#feeling sedentary

Another thing that made it easy is that I already have a bias against social media from prior things. I don't know how it happened. I think I saw a video online as a kid that once called social media addictive, and then I internalized it and heard it in the news and sort of became obsessed with the concept. So that's another thing that makes me feel sedentary everytime I post online.

Finally, there's the simple fact that I think my method of hyperfixations has changed. Before I had tumblr, when I was younger, I had to really hunt for things to look up. I had to use google to hunt down blogs or wikis or tumblr accounts or whatever, all just to satisfy my brain's insatiable desire for information on a subject/for media like fanart or headcanons or lore you could only get on wikis. Now I'm older and I have a tumblr account, and I feel like I never do that stuff anymore. I mainly just post and linger on my dashboard, occasionally lingering in other places.

I feel like there is a certain amount of repetition to some of my writings recently, and that's really kind of bothersome to me. I can't even think of a good way to continue this note, because I've already discussed everything so, so many times. I just kind of feel tired of it right now. My occasional back pains, my stomach issues, my feelings of not doing enough online sometimes, my fears of having to talk to my Nana, my stress about aging, etc. There's just a lot of stuff stressing me out, and I don't really know how many new ways there are of explaining that.

I have so many new notes to write, too. I should write about feeling sedentary online again. I should write about my struggles with aging. I should definitely write about my fears of things like making life work if I don't go back to College in the fall of 2026. Because I still can't imagine a life without school, but College being so stressful means I may have to start imagining that. It's awful. Really, really awful.

I suppose I should know how to fix that, but I don't. I don't have anything else to do that's as easy for me as writing is nowadays. Maybe that's also how I get so depressing sometimes, I don't know. I try not to worry about it, because at least posting 25 times a day is better than some things I could be doing. I guess. I don't know. I still probably should work on this stuff, I suppose.

It's nice to get thoughts off my chest, but I really should have more to my life than just writing notes. But how do you start over and pick up the pieces of something? I don't know. Maybe I'm being dramatic and over exaggerated, but I know that I'm still speaking from the sentimental side of myself. Since my mom died and my old tablet died and I left High School, things have been weird for me. The past four to five years have been really something else.

It's only been four or five years, six at maximum. But it feels like a full ten. A decade of change in my life, or something. Although I don't know. I had it rough years prior to this, too. Way back when, I had to deal with transitioning from elementary school to high school, then from in person school to online learning. And I also had to deal with being bullied in grade 4, and that was so bad that I remember never wanting to go to school. But somehow I got through all that, and my brain now looks at it fondly.

I don't mean I look at bullying fondly, I just mean that elementary school and high school feel like safe spaces in spite of everything I went through. It's fascinating. I don't understand how my brain can do this, but it does indeed do it.

I got distracted by other stuff, and then I delayed coming back to write posts on here because I felt like I post too much already or something. I don't know. It's probably nothing too major. But I'm blaming my depression from being in a weird hyperfixation limbo that's really damaging my ability to do things sometimes. It's not always easy when you don't have something to focus on fully. I just remembered that I'm gonna have to send my therapist a note on my hobbies because I need to work on my ability to handle sharing stuff with others, and that just made me feel a bit nervous. I've lost my train of thought, so I'm gonna have to start over in one final paragraph.

Anyways, my dad says I could turn all of my writings into a book or something. I think he has a good point when he says that, but I also don't know what kind of person would seriously want to a book of this stuff. Who would want to read a book that's just 400+ notes? They're not stories, just notes. They're vents about my stress, they're ideas for stories that'll never go anywhere, they're my random thoughts on the media I watch or the things I read. Who would seriously want to read all that? I can't understand anyone really wanting to read it all. People on social media might be fine doing it, considering people do like my notes online. But would anyone seriously pay for a book like this? I have my doubts, and that's just my low self esteem talking.

I wish I could take these notes and make them all into books. It could help me with a form of income, cynically. More hopefully, it could make me feel like my ideas for stories are finally going somewhere. That's always been a big pain for me, because I have so many ideas. So many ideas for stories or characters or what have you. But I'm just not good enough at descriptive language or dialogue to ever have anything go anywhere. I can write a mean outline, but besides that? Well…besides my outlines and ideas, I'm not really big on anything. So I just worry my ideas will never go anywhere and I'll be stuck with a creative spark forever unfulfilled. But if other people can read about my ideas and then do stuff with them for me, that might actually provide me with some amount of fulfillment.

So maybe my dad has a point about me turning all these notes into a book. I guess it could be nice, and then I could delete all the notes off my phone. All the notes that get into the book could be removed from my phone, thereby clearing up space for more notes. I think it could be nice to one day have volume upon volume of my notes in books. Certainly could be said to help with remembering things years from now. But I don't know if anyone would even want to read this if it was actually a real published book series. Who would really want to know what one person thinks, especially when all I can offer are vents and ideas? It's like trying to sell journals. Who would really want my private musings? I'd hope someone would, but I have my doubts.