So I was out to eat and this child(maybe 3 years old) in the booth next to us started crying loudly. The mom tried to calm him down but he started to go into tantrum mode and fussed even more. So she picked him up and walked out of the restaurant to a bench outside our window. We could hear her ask him, âlook at me, whatâs upsetting you?â To which he responded with more crying. So she says, âWell youâre clearly overwhelmed, so weâre going to sit out here and take a break until you can compose yourself and tell me whatâs wrong.â Which is exactly what happened after a couple minutes. Anyways I just think itâs so good to speak to your children in a logical, respectful manner instead of shushing them and leaving them to deal with their stress alone.
this is such a surreal way to calm a child down like is a three year old really going to understand you like that âŚ.
Yes, if itâs what theyâre used to. It has to be consistent though, you canât, like, suddenly start doing it one day and expect them to understand.
It also helps if you kind of narrate your own emotions when youâre upset even just over little things, like âoh! I just canât get this to lay flat, but I really want to! I got mad because I couldnât get it to work, and thatâs frustrating!â
It feels silly at first, but it models it for them and helps them understand how to communicate (and recognize) their own emotions.
I think I reblogged the original post before, but I love and appreciate the further explanation. Â All in all this is a great practice, but some parents either donât do it consistently, or arenât taking in other factors (like, can your child process your words right now? Â Sometimes they canât because EMOTIONS!) OR they do this without removing them from the stressor/stressful situation, and then their kid is overwhelmed and has no idea what their parent is saying to them. Â You need to look at your kid and make sure theyâre taking in your words, and also not expect them to respond like an adult would.
You can also easily simplify the language, to something like âHey whatâs going on?â or âletâs get some spaceâ/âIâm going to give you spaceâ or âletâs take a break and take some deep breathsâ
Iâve seen parents who just totally take this and start speaking to their children in ways that their child legitimately cannot understand, not necessarily because of their age, but because they have no context, or are too overwhelmed by outside factors, OR because their parents are expecting them to process words theyâre not used to (consistency and modeling are key) and then demanding an adult response. Â Thatâs stressful. Â Using this kind of language with kids is GREAT to get your kids more in touch with their emotions and actions, but itâs important that youâre doing it correctly, paying attention to how your child responds, and providing them with a model in your own actions and interactions.
I work in education and how that parent in the first post helped their child calm down is exactly what we do when I work in preK through 1st grade classrooms.
I also do this with my own children and it âs incredibly helpful. Small children are able to tell you whatâs wrong and tell you how they feel if theyâre given the tools to do so.
Common mistakes parents make:
-Assuming this will work right away. It wonât. It takes time for kids to get used to this. Parents/families need to use this frequently, consistently, and using language children can understand.
-By not staying calm themselves. This will not work if you let your own emotions/frustrations get in the way. When this happens frustrated parents want the kids to âhurry up and tell them whatâs wrongâ. Kids can tell youâre upset/frustrated/impatient. This can make things worse. You as a parent/caregiver need to remain calm as well.
-Use language that the child doesnât understand (as Enog mentioned above). Use language that your child CAN understand. A big thing you need to do even when your child isnât upset is to identify feelings. Do this all the time. When a child canât identify emotions, they have a hard time dealing with them. Use accessible language and model identifying as well as healthy ways to deal with various emotions.
-Failing to remove the child from a stressful situation. This is a VERY COMMON mistake parents and caregivers make. Young children in particular have a hard time focusing/calming down when overwhelmed. Some parents/caregivers expect the child to calm down while overwhelmed get frustrated with the child when this method doesnât work. Be sure to remove your child from the stressful situation or stimulus before asking them to tell you what is wrong.
Many people wonât get it right the first time. Recognizing the frequent mistakes above will help parents/caregivers from making these errors.
My mom was also taught in my brothers daycare that you can start communicating with kids under 4 to get them used to communicating and to try and make the world seem less chaotic. They would tell the kids if they were going to stop playing in 10 minutes or change their diapers or eat or whatever. And as strange as it sounds that toddlers actually became less fussy and it really made the parents start paying attention to their kids and making sure that they were communicating. Iâve seen so many young kids have a tantrum because their parent just picks them up from playing and takes them instead of giving them a five or ten minute warning that might have made it so there was no problem at all. Iâm sure it would set them up for everything mentioned in this post. I hate people that act like you shouldnât communicate with kids or try and help them understand whatâs going on around them, I just always think of how overwhelming and scary being a kid, and especially a very young child, can be.
^Important. :D
Omg itâs so important to talk to kids about whatâs going on even if theyâre newborns and you think they canât understand, at some point (long before they can talk themselves) they do and they learn that their feelings, needs and boundaries matter, that theyâre people not objects to be moved about and acted upon
Research shows babies understand the gist of what parents are saying as early as six months. Explaining things to babies and toddlers like theyâre real people who can understand you (which they are) is incredibly powerful and good for their brain and social development! For example, I was recently hanging out with parents who are really good at this. The one year old was fussing as my friend tried to get him to eat, and so she communicated everything she was doing with him. âI see that you donât want the apple sauce right now. Is your tummy full? Letâs try the noodles. No, I can see youâre making a face, so I donât think you want those. How about your bottle?â Etc. This starts an early precedent of clear communication and showing that you care and understand a childâs needs. Even when I was saying goodbye to the family, that kiddo clearly had no idea what was going on, and mom still made a point to say, âSequoia is going home now, so we say goodbye. Bye Sequoia!â instead of saying bye without involving him.
