T.W.Writer

Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear. 

—OR—

Just drink until you feel the buzz and then stop

Until——

The buzz goes away then have a few more

Unless you have a drinking problem

Then—

Happiness is just one tequila shot away…sadness is two tequila shots away…depression is three tequila shots away.

Yet we never stop at one.

Drunk couples fight over the weirdest things. I mean, she wanted a small french fry at 2am and he got her a medium…so she berated him with insults that culminated in insults about his penis size.

Question: How many foreskin jokes can a drunk woman throw into a five minute rant?

Isn’t it ironic that a the blackest substance on earth, charcoal, is now used as a teeth whitener?

Seriously, who experimented with this? I can just see a bunch of guys in a mine saying “Hey Bob, I dare you to brush your teeth” Thinking it would turn Bob’s teeth black and then he returned cleaner than ever.

Why is it that every time I go to Costco, I end up having to take out a small loan at the checkout to purchase everything. 

Here’s a fun game:

Add $1 for every time an old person calls you young

                                          And

Subtract $1 for every time a young person calls you old

Types of people you meet at the bar:

1. The Super Drinker (Drinks shots like they’re water and never seems to get drunk)

2. The Over Drinker (Knows their limit, but has the constant need run past the line to prove something, or feel young again)

3. The Casual Drinker aka The Sophisticated Drinker (Holds the same glass of expensive wine or scotch in their hand for hours and occasionally sips it when people’s eyes rotate to the glass or they ask “what’re ya drinking)

4. The Sloppy Drinker (Upon a drop of alcohol touching their lips, they either become an asshole, flirtatious and slutty, and/or fall asleep in the area of a dumpster)

5. The Slow Burn Drinker (Drinks like a champ and acts like the Super Drinker, but have a slow metabolism and when it hits them they turn into a sloppy drinker)

6. The “No Tolerance Drinker” (Has ONE wine cooler and turns into the Sloppy Drinker)

7. The “I Love you man” Drinker (Self explanatory. But for new initiates, This person falls under any category, but proceeds to follow everything they say with “I love your man”)

8. The Jekyll and Hyde  Drinker (Falls under two categories: !st, the Nice people who drinks and completely looses all filter and because a gigantic dick or cunt to everyone in the room  ——or—— 2nd, the good puritanical type that gets a couple in them and then decries about how much they want to get laid that night)

9. The Avengers/He-man/She-Ra Drinker (Drinks and decides to take every Dare thrown their way from feats of strength to performing dumb daredevil stunts)

10. The Political/Conspiracy Drinker (Has a few or a few too many and decides to inject politics or their conspiracy theories into everything. Usually, rant about the opposing party or how the government is behind everything)

Met all of these last night…LOL!!!

Anyway, no matter which you are, stay thirsty my friends and enjoy thislittle thing we call life!!!!