just wanted to say hi, i’m still alive, even though this sideblog is mostly not.Â
i’m currently coming out of the worst depressive episode of my life. for the past eight months, my priority was very much literal survival, so fitness and balanced nutrition moved far, far down the list. i’m on great meds now, doing much better, but also dealing with the way my body has changed throughout this time.Â
first of all, i’m immensely grateful to even still have a body. it was a rough time and it could have ended badly a number of ways. but i’m still here, so that’s a good thing.Â
at the same time, the body i have now is the largest it’s ever been. most of my clothes don’t fit right. the way i look in pictures is not the way i feel inside. it doesn’t help that friends and family have made unhelpful comments. it’s almost like i’ve failed them in some way. like not looking like my “best self” right now (whatever tf that is) somehow overshadows the fact that i’m still alive at all.Â
a lot of it is internalized body image bs. disordered eating and diet culture are practically family heirlooms passed down from my mother and i know this. another part is that this bigger version of me is so tightly linked to the worst time in my life so far. i don’t even objectively dislike the way i look, but it hurts to know that this body was shaped by so much suffering.
i’m slowly gaining back the energy to move again, to cook good food for myself and find joy in existing. i don’t know how much i weigh, haven’t stepped on a scale in a year. i also don’t want to make weight loss my goal, that’s neither necessary nor sustainable for me. but i want to feel active and strong again. i want to move through the world with confidence.
yesterday, i got an epic tattoo and bought some cool shorts in a size that actually fits me right now. today, i got out my kettlebells and did a tiny little workout. i’ll be taking baby steps for a while but maybe that’s ok.
tl;dr: i was super depressed and gained some weight but i’m slowly crawling back in here, besties!Â






















