#wls support

Okay, so yesterday I got a little over 21k steps. Ate about 800 calories of food. Drunk more water but probably not enough.

Today my back and hip are made of gravel. Codeine has been swallowed with my fruity breakfast. Waiting 30 minutes before I can have a coffee as my tiny tummy is full of medication and fruit.

Bought some rhubarb infusion bags too, been randomly craving rhubarb so some tasty hot drink was an acceptable alternative. I can't eat too much fruit as it is pretty empty food for me as a wls patient. Lots of sugar, not much else.

Need to register at a new gp as I need one closer to my village, but I just haven't bothered. I should do, as I have a repeat prescription for my bariatric supplements and whatnot.

Cobbling Together Mental Health

Warning to all people considering weight loss surgery ... be clear about the psychological aftercare. I didn’t know any better, so when my program told me that they have an ongoing “support group” I assumed that they meant psychological support. Instead, the groups focus on lifestyle support, which is important, but all the topics regularly covered are those that I can find on a bariatric blog or book. I don’t need help in choosing a protein shake / bar, tips on staying hydrated, finding an exercise program  or taking part in a recipe exchange. What I (and I dare say EVERY WLS patient) need is help with integrating  the mind of a lifelong compulsive eater with the rigors and rules of bariatric life. I need help with the grieving process of letting go of my old life, as dysfunctional as it was. I need help with my perfectionistic mind that deeply believes that if I reintroduce any sugar whatsoever, that I will completely loose it - I’ll stop calorie counting, stop focusing on getting my protein in, stop taking the fuck-ton of vitamins, minerals and all the rest of what’s needed to keep my system going. Instead, I’ll find ways to stuff myself in incremental binges on crap that will result in rapid malnutrition. I need help with the incongruence of realizing that I am in the best health of my life - that I now LIKE seeing myself in the mirror, no longer hide myself whenever I see a camera but rather collecting selfies like trophies ... all this and yet missing pasta so much I can’t focus on of these blessings. 

It has been a while since I have been here. I come and go once in a while to try to get active again and I get very intimidated. I am very ashamed to admit it, but I do.

I have been jumping in and out of the wagon a LOT lately.  I am so ashamed about it... I feel like a hypocrite coming here and pretending I’m doing well

I don’t know how to get back on to doing what I was doing so well... I keep just overeating and eating when I am not supposed to

Please, let me know if you have been through this and what you recommend I do to try to get back into doing things well...

I've finally gotten back to the gym! I felt off my game a bit for not going in a little over a month. Well, 2.5 weeks of that time, I was on vacation. So, that doesn't really count. After that, I was dealing with some jet lag and post-Europe depression. And I started spending far too much time with someone I'm not sure I care for in order to deal with the post-Europe depression. 

I've been feeling a lot. The orgasmic joy of an amazing vacation. The heart-stopping fear of our president elect detonating a shit storm on America. The anxiety of wanting to expedite my eventual exit...hopefully.  

I've been tossing and turning, getting only short moments of rest, until my alarm goes off. The only time this doesn't happen is when I sleep in the same bed as someone else. So, via Tinder, I met someone. And he is nice and he seems to keep up with current events...and he thinks I'm beautiful. But that's about where my feelings towards him end. And I won't let him touch me.

Before him, there was another man. He was in town on business and we met at a party. And he was nice and attractive. And I spent one night talking, laughing, and sleeping in his hotel room bed...not letting him touch me. I do hope to keep in contact with him for a friendship. But that is the extent of what I can offer right now. 

I don't know that any of this is related to WLS. But, because I attribute everything to post-surgery feels, I believe this has something to do with the longing I used to have to be told that I was beautiful. That really was all I wanted to hear because I didn't believe it. Now, I'm told that I'm beautiful a lot. That is not at all meant to sound conceited. It just happens. I believe that I'm attractive now, but it makes me super uncomfortable because now I realize that what I always really wanted is someone to see me entirely. Just to note, I usually just go with thank you cuz I'm not rude. Now, I just want someone to say...anything else. Well, not just anything. I can tell you that I'm looking for someone intelligent, hilariously silly, and inexplicably nice. The older I get, the more I realize how difficult it is to meet genuinely nice people. Of course I want them to be attractive, dress funky, have tattoos that mean something to them, and have an unquenchable thirst for music...but those things are all secondary.

I think too many men are used to getting what they want from telling a woman that she's beautiful. It's not that easy. Cool, I'm beautiful. But, do you know how to have a conversation? Do you even want to have a conversation? Do you even know the alphabet? 

I am feeling pretty damn good.

I don’t have any gas pains, I actually only had them on my first day, still a bit tender on my right side, but its only when i have to stand from a sitting/laying position

surgery day was emotional for me, I was there by myself! My sister dropped me off and the second I started signing papers I started to cry, I started to cry even more when I saw people also going in for surgery surrounded by their family

I kept telling myself to run home and it wasn’t worth it, to go home and eat something, that it’ll make me feel better. I of course told that voice to shut up

Surgery was scheduled for 9am, but didn’t happen til 9:45 because the cameras were having technical difficulties in one of the operating rooms.

My surgery team was awesome, the moment I talked to my surgeon I knew everything was going to be okay.

When I got into the operating room and slid onto the table, the last thing I remember saying was “I’m not going to fall off of this right? Okay your buckling me up? Buckle up for safety hehehe”

It was like I blinked! I woke up in so much pain, i’m not sure if I screamed or not, but I was crying yet again. I begged for my morphine and then passed out again. Soon I was in my room and pressing that button over and over and over again 

First day wasn’t that bad, I slept a lot, I was getting up and walking around with in three hours. I really needed to use the bathroom and was so happy that i wasn’t going to be using a catheter. They did have my on oxygen for the first day and part of the second day. I had to stay two days because I couldn’t get down all the liquids the first and wasnt able to walk much, but the next day I killed it and they sent me home. Yay!

I am over all feeling optimistic and head hunger is real, like i’m fighting the urge to chew food and spit it out, yesterday was my nephews first birthday party and I was surrounded by all sorts of goodies and sort of depressed because I couldn’t eat it, but i managed to pull through and went on a walk.

I am kinda annoyed by my family though, first thing my Daddy asked when I got home was how I was feeling and if they gave me pain killers (his gf is a pill popper and has been circling me for my norcos, she has even resorted to feigning pain, which I knew she would do and told people she would before I got home) so I lied and said I got liquid tylenol because the surgeon said my surgery wasn’t that invasive.

They didn’t ask me if I needed anything, if  I needed some help or if they could do something for me, but if I got rx pain killers. I am like gee thanks,