#fattofit

Last time I posted here was almost 5 years ago... Ever since I stopped posting, I have never stopped daily lurking on Tumblr, silently cheering up the people I follow on a daily basis and getting inspired and happy about people's journey. Since a few weeks now, I have been thinkng about posting again and I think this is it. I am coming back. I have this need of finding a way to share and reflect on my journey and this place is still the best place for me I think.

Many things happened in those past five years. Here is a recap of where I left, what happenned and what I plan to do for myself.

In april 2021 I was recovering from heavy surgeries and finding ways of getting confortable with my new body.

As a reminder, at this point in my life, I had lost a massive amount of weight :

110 kg -> 54 kg

242,5 lbs -> 119 lbs

This took me around 12 years honestly but most of the weight went down between 2016 and 2020.

I had done this with a vegan diet, a calorie deficit, strenght training at the gym a few times a week, walking aroud 10'000 steps daily, hiking, doing yoga, running a good amount of kilometers weekly and biking as a mean of transportation.

When I reached my goal weight, I was left with a lot of skin and went to a surgeon and got a tummy tuck combined with a breast augmentation and lifting at te end of 2020. 2021 started roughly because I had complications and had to go back under the surgeon's table. When everything stabilized, I was still documenting my journey which means that when I last posted on Tumblr, I was trying to get back to working out and moving in general and I was still in a calorie deficit.

I don't remember why I stopped to post all of a sudden but what I remembered was that mentally speaking I was at my lowest. I have always struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a little kid but those past few years, especially when Covid hitted, I went spiralling and it got me to where I am today. Which I will come to eventually.

In the beggining of 2021 I also lost one of my beloved part time job and even if I was expecting that, it made me very sad and worried about the future.

I still had an another part time job and received unemployment benefits but I was really unhappy in this job, I was underpaid, had a lot of responsabilities that I did not signed for and I was really burned out overall but I only realised this in the spring of 2022 I think...

In the summer of 2021 I found a new part time job which was meant for me and I am glad to say than now I work full time for this institution since the beggining of 2025 (still am a librairian, documentalist, archivist assitant mainly working with iconographic heritage collections). It was my dream place and I am glad to have found it and put the work in to get a full time position. Anyway, in 2022 I quit my awful part time for an another one which gave me the space to breath and ask myself what I wanted to do in order to grow into the job I loved, ask myself what I needed from a workplace etc. I loved this opportunity and I am glad it served me for a few years to lead me where I am today.

At this time I was also in a toxic relationship with a man which also really took a toll on my self confidence and mental health. I was with him since 2019 and I ended things in the summer of 2023. Our relationship really started to get bad in the end of 2021 I would say and it just got worse and worse until I was brave enough to say STOP. We were both bad for each other and even though I worked trough this this past few years, I still am scarred from it.

In 2022 I was in the pit of my depression and wanted to disappear from the surface of earth honestly. I had also a really toxic relationship with alcohol. I was scared of the person I was becoming and lost at the same time. I am glad to say that I have been sober for the past 8 months and I am really proud of myself!

During 2021 and 2022 I gained 15 kg (33 lbs) back without really noticing it. I was struggling so much.

At the end of 2022 I finally took the step to see my doctor and ask for help for my mental health. Therefore in the beginning of 2023 I found my psychologist and started therapy on a weekly basis. I was consistent for the past 3 years with it and it helped me greatly with a lot of my issues. Fortunately, my circle of closed friends (which I consider them being my real family (because I am estranged with my blood family) also greatly helped me and I am forever grateful to them for being in my life.

In 2023 and 2024 my weight stabilized with the previous gain weight. I ended my toxic relationship, focused on my mental health and tried to live my best life. I was starting to get my life back and discovered a lot about myself. I was not always the happiest but my outlook on my life shifted slowly.

In the summer of 2023 I also met my man who I consider being the one but we only got together in the end of 2024. We took things really slowly.

Summer of 2024, my anxiety started to creep back up because my mom was doing unwell health wise and there was no diagnostic really at this point.

In 2025 I gained back another 10 kg (22 lbs) which means that I am currently at 82 kg (180.7 lbs)... The past few years my diet changed drastically. I started to eat like an omnivore gradually. I was having a lot of processed vegan junk and I wanted to eat animal products again because I was really frustrated and needed more for my diet. I also started to eat cleaner but bigger portions because I had been restricting for too long. I always have had a binge eating disorder issue and it acted up a lot those past few years. Being depressed I stopped going to gym and moving overall. I was feeling so burned out from so many things that I kind of shutted down. Therapy also played a role because even though it helped greatly, it also got me worse at some points.

Talking about all of the traumatic events of my life and the horrible people who surrounded me for many years got to me really bad at some points and I had (and still have) a hard time processing and accepting what happenned to me and saying IT'S NOT NORMAL. I had to realize that nobody is going to come and save me and I am my own responsability and I am the only person who can truly love me and do the work and all that goes with that. Anyway, one of the thing I am still trying to figure out and be at peace with is my relationship to my mother. I love her deeply and at the same time I realized a lot of things that make me deeply sad and angry about her and this is sometimes eating me alive. I am talking about this because in 2025, she received her final diagnostic. Cancer. Incurable. However, fortunately she is not in a final stage a this point and it's been taken care of in a great way and she might be able to live another 10 years who knows but she is going to be 80 years in 2026 and I know that her lifespan in not going to be as long as I would have wanted. I am pained for her but I am angry also at her for all she made me go through since a little baby and in 2025 I did not know if she would survive or be condemned immediately so I struggled a lot with wanting to help her and be there for her but also protecting my peace and not willing to be responsible for her and honoring my mental health.

Just saying, when I was a teenager she had another type of cancer (which she healed from) so receiving this news made me spiralling knowing what was to come and fortunately for me, my man, friends and coworkers helped a great deal when I needed help and space and I know I will be able to ask for their help when needed in the future.

Also in 2025, my cat got cancer too and it was horrible but he was cured fortunately but it was just a bit after my mom diagnosis so you can imagine how I was struggling.

What's happening now ? I am trying to navigate my feelings with my mom and other things but I feel better lately about them even though I still have work to do.

I am very happy with my man and we have holidays and projects together for the near future and our life together. We don't live together for now and we live in different Canton (remember I am swiss) so we have a "long distance" relationship and we manage it like chiefs ! I am at peace and feel very secure with him.

My friend circle is my family, I love them and they love me back, I feel very grateful for them. I am very lucky

My work is fullfiling me and I feel like I am where I am supposed to be and I have projects to grow in this institution and I am very happy.

My home is still the best place ever and my man's place is my second house and I can't wait to move there. We don't know when it will happen so I just try to enjoy my current place and my Canton and be more into the present moment in general.

Honestly, I have a hard time accepting and taking responsability for all the weight I gained back but I am truly trying to get back to workin out and movement and trying to figure out how and how much I am eating and what I should do to be healthy and especially not restrict myself or overdoing and I think I am seeing how I could balance things without burning myself out.

My weight has not budged since june of 2025 so I feel a bit hopefull and ready to go back into my weight loss journey.

If you read all of this THANK YOU and I hope you will enjoy following me again.

I aim to post at least a weekly weight in starting next week and ease back into posting more pictures of my food and workouts troughout this new journey.

Guys. GUYS! I weighed in today, and look!