#nd studyblr

|| Sept. 3, 2024 ||

I'm done! I'm finally done with my notes on the history of color theory. Just when I don't need them anymore since we're moving to the next module.

Now I know I have to be kind to myself, and finding a label for that (ADHD and dyspraxia, potentially autism as well) has made that so much easier. I have done Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and have been having Counselling for years. I know I deserve kindness and that I should be kind to myself, and celebrate how well I am doing despite the hand I have been dealt.

But it is so hard not to feel deficient. All my classmates at university have graduated. The year below me have graduated as well. I am still here and I still don’t have a dissertation. People ask me why, and I tell that I am struggling but I am trying so hard and working really hard.

And yet... I woke up at 6am today and it has taken until 3pm to sit down to do any work. You ask me what did I do this morning and the answer is I don’t know. Yet another day has been lost, and I can’t help but feel so ashamed. I just want to do well. For once, I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel that for once all my effort has been worth it.

I want to take a picture of me in front of the university library holding my dissertation, just like everyone else did.

And yet, I feel like I can’t make myself make any meaningful steps towards this goal. I just want to be free of my dissertation and university. I just want this sense of shame to cease; to be able to go a day without having to think about my dissertation.

I just want to be able to knuckle down at knock out my dissertation. I know so many people who have bragged about writing their dissertation in one night, three days, a week... whatever. But here I am, I have been working on an undergraduate dissertation for 18 months, and I feel humilitated. I have practically nothing to show for it. I only have to write 10,000 - 12,000 words, it shouldn’t be as hard as this.

I just wish I had control over this. I wish I could wake up and think I am going to do work today and then actually do it. Then that’s before I even consider the fact that I work so slowly - pretty much every task I do takes me much much longer than anyone else; it takes me longer to read; longer to understand content; longer to write. I just struggle so much, but yet I keep trying.

(A lot of these probably seem kind of obvious, but they helped me, so I figured maybe they would help someone else.

The dirty laundry does not go on top of the basket, or next to the basket. It gets shoved in, all the way. If not, it will fall out, and cause me stress every time I see it, but not enough stress to fix it.

It doesn't matter how the closet looks, as long as the door stays closed. It must be closed at all times, unless I am actively getting something out of the closet.

Every pillow, blanket, sheet, pillow, pillowcase, stuffed animal, or anything else of the sort goes on the bed. I hate making my bed, and I hate sleeping in a made bed, so I pile everything into a large, comfy pile, and that works really well for me.

Opening my window blinds in the morning must be a task on my daily to-do list, or it will not get done, and I will spend the day in darkness, which is bad for the plants on my desk. So, I have "open the blinds" as the first thing on my to-do list.

Listen. I have hyper-empathy. I get emotionally attached to tiny dead plants or weeds that I find on the ground. It happens. Solution? I stick them in the pot of the fake plant on my dresser. I don't know how good an idea this is long-term, but it's worked for me so far.

Speaking of plants. I keep a plastic water bottle on my desk at all times for the purpose of watering my desk plants. Without the combination of that easy access, and my phone reminders, my plants would be dead. When the water bottle is empty, I fill it back up in the sink. Do I always remember to do this? No. Do I remember far more than I would if it wasn't on my desk? Yes.

And that reminds me. My newly discovered golden rule for being somewhat functional: out of sight means out of mind. Granted, sometimes in sight also means out of mind. But being able to see something increases the chances of me thinking about it by 300%. (I made up that number. Just take my word for it.) This means that any work I plan on doing in the foreseeable future needs to be somewhere I can see it.

The dresser drawers should be closed. I hate it when people tell me that. I hate it even more when they have a point. But, it makes the room look neat, and a neat room makes me feel productive, and feeling productive provides the illusion of being productive, and being productive makes the happy chemicals in my brain go off. So, the drawers get closed.

Finally, it literally does not matter how disastrous my desk looks to other people. If the organization makes sense to me, if it makes me feel productive and happy, and if I like working at it, it has succeeded at being a desk. Congratulations, desk.

Turns out a lot of my issues with school and studying could be attributed to a few things:

ADHD

Autism

Generalized anxiety disorder

Lack of practice.

So lemme just offer some background:

I was homeschooled for middle and high school.

Started a multimedia and video program in community college in 2018. It was a lot of graphic design type stuff and I couldn't draw, which it seemed like I needed to be able to.

Transferred to a different C.C. a year later to study music.

Turns out that college didn't have a music concentration, even though they advertised one. I took maybe 6 or 7 unique music classes while there.

Graduated with an AA in lib arts and an AGS in "general" earlier this year (2022).

Now I'm going *back* to school at yet another CC for an AAS graphic design. I still can't really draw.

I'm also trying to figure out if I want to get a Bachelors or further in anything, and if so, what.

So yeah.

I'm starting again this Winter/Spring semester, and I'm a little anxious. I have three graphic design classes and intro to social work, to see if that would fit my interests.

Now, usually, I can't do a full course load, but this new school's graphic design classes are 7 week courses, so I have two in the first seven, one in the last seven, and one 15-week classes. The week before spring break, I'll have one class to worry about and that's it.

I'm nervous, honestly. I want to do well but I don't want to overwork myself again. I'm coming up with systems for what assignments to prioritize or blow off, and when to say an assignment is good enough.

I can't just read it intuitively. I'm a perfectionist with overachieving tendencies, because I was the people-pleasing gifted autistic when I was younger, and I'm still working through it.

If you're like me, though, and you don't know these things either, let me know! I'll gladly share whatever I can, but if I mention something you want to know more about, send an ask or message or something; I'm prone to forgetting. Keep me accountable and I'll do the best I can.

If anyone out there has ideas for posts or tips, please feel free to submit them or suggest them or whatever! If you want to see more motivation and inspiration stuff, lmk that too! I might make even make motivation moodboards?! :] :D

Or if you have a topic you want me to talk about specifically, I can see what I can do! Some I think I can make my own advice for (like OCD, ADHD, or Autism, which are the neurodivergies I have, so I'm most qualified to make posts about those myself)

As for other conditions, maybe I'll reblog more about them or just see what resources I can find.

4:56pm // 1/100

Trying this 100 days of productivity once again. Yesterday, my (Introduction to) International Relations class took place for the first time. I’m extremely interested in politics (after all, I want to make it my career), but damn the expectations are high. It’s definitely going to be the class with the heaviest workload this semester. I started reading some introductory texts today, and I’ll have to read a whole lot more until next week. In November I’ll have to give a presentation on US-Russia relations and the conflict during the Cold War.

|| Aug. 12 - 18, 2024 ||

First week of the new semester went well. Despite the photos, I might have been the only one on campus who dressed alt on the first week.

|| Aug. 26 - Sept. 1, 2024 ||

Pretty meh week but I had a lot of fun at Photography class. Of course, I still end up really tired once I get home, especially whenever the weather's really hot. I've been considering just sleeping for most of the night/afternoon and then waking up at 1 am to get some work done. Gonna see how the next week's gonna turn out.

I AM NOT LETTING MY FATIGUE MAKE ME HATE MYSELF THIS EARLY

On the other hand, the wisdom saga dropping really made my Saturday. I hope Athena inspires me to get more work done. She's my favorite in the musical and in actual mythology 🥺