Instinctual Variants: Social (so)
Inspired by my co-mod’s post on discovering she was a social-core, I decided to write up something about my understanding of being an so-dom (so/sp). I should say that my views are heavily colored through 6w7, but I feel there’s a lot of general misunderstandings about “so” which leads to mistypes and maybe this will help someone recognize themselves.
I think the easiest way to translate “so” dominant behavior and as a feeler is an awareness of general “propriety” (or formal behavior). I never had to be told how to act in public, or what topics most people find taboo, or how to behave myself even as a little girl, or to think about other people and social propriety / being aware of them and their preferences and needs; I naturally, instinctively had a sense of how to behave within different social structures and found them easy to navigate. I do not even have a problem putting my personal opinions aside to avoid causing a disruption within a group. (I once listened to an entire anti-Harry Potter sermon, as a Potterhead, and my only act of rebellion on my way out was to hum the theme song when I walked past the pastor. Rebellion on a minor “appropriate” level, since my Fi had to respect his right to an opinion even if it’s wrong. ;)
I have never had a problem of “over-sharing” and am always caught off guard when someone tells me something I feel I should not yet know, based on our short-term association, or asks me something deeply personal without having known them very long. Since I’m an sx-blind, I do not open up about what I consider to be deeply personal things to just anyone, and the one time I did, I felt immediate remorse, because it felt too raw and “exposing” to share. Only one or two people in my acquaintance know much about me, on an intimate level. I fear in that respect, I have disappointed my sx-first friend -- because she tries to provoke me or prompt me to share my deep secrets and I just stare at her and smile and change the subject, because I am not ready for that.
“So” is an “awareness” of how casual relationships go – how you build them, how you nurture them, how you form them… and you move forward from that into intimate relationships of sharing deeper things.So if you ask me something too soon, you will get surprise and a gentle nudge back to a safer topic.
One good fictional example is in TITANIC, where hearing Rose complain about her life, Jack flat out asks her if she loves Cal. She defers a lot because she is an so-first. “You can’t ask me that,” she insists. “That’s RUDE.” Her So is aware that polite society people do not go around asking intense personal questions like that, upon knowing you all of five minutes, because “it’s just not done.” Now, Rose does have sx, so she warms up to Jack through their shared bond and is quite frank with him a lot (about what she truly wants)… but he still must overcome her “so” barriers of propriety first to get her to be true to herself. Her social awareness tells her it’s not okay to spit like a man, or swear in public, or get yelled at by her fiance at breakfast, or even not be polite to service people. It takes extreme circumstances for her to break away from that and let her sx fly (when she has finally had enough, she shrieks, “I am THROUGH being polite!”).
“So” having group awareness also realizes and cares “what others think of me.” I think about presentation and first impressions. I was often the quiet child, who drew no attention to herself in a group. And, my natural focus is on “a group.” I love being one-on-one with my best friend, but I do not mind being with her and her sister (another friend). I also have a “the more the merrier” mentality that is widely inclusive. I go through life thinking, “Who else can I include?” I am the one who instigates most group activities, who hosts the most afternoon teas, and who does not mind “sharing” her friends.
My “so” is extremely strong, so while it has its tremendous benefits (the ease of socializing, understanding people, meeting them on their level, and being able to maintain various professional, friendly relationships) it’s hard to step away from social propriety and be “real” easily with people. Some of that is my 6 distrust, but I am only completely “real” with the people who have known me the longest. This comes from being sx-blind, and not knowing how to “instinctively” deepen things beyond “so” into a more provocative, raw interaction – like when Jack finally breaks through Rose’s barriers and she’s completely honest with him. I have only reached that point with one other person. No one else. My heart truly is “a deep ocean of secrets.”
Being an “so” first lead to my mistype as a Fe and is why I balk so hard when others describe Fi as insensitive to the group or oblivious to others. So-core-Fi is very much aware of the group, their place in it, and how to behave appropriately within the context of society. It’s hard for an so-first to do anything else.
