#enneagram 9

What exactly does 'merging' mean when it comes to Type 9? The term has been thrown constantly left and right and seems to be an inportant/key factor when it comes to 9s, but I really don't get what it really means in a way how it works in real time/in practice. What does merging really mean?

It means 9s often go along with the agenda of the people in their life, because directing the course of events requires more effort than coasting and being pulled along in someone else's wake. It usually means the 9 goes along for a while, then becomes resentful of never getting their own way, even though they failed to assert what they wanted or did so feebly and when it was shot down, they did not deem it worth an argument. For some 9s, it feels like others have more direction, drive and a knowledge of what they want than they do; for others, it's that the 9 isn't sure of who they are or what they want, so they try on other people's agendas to see if it resonates with them on a personal level.

Because their way of coping with the outside world is to put up minimal resistance, 9s can start taking on the beliefs, attitudes, and emotions of those around them, when they have no strong inner reaction of their own. It is usually temporary, and evaporates when that person leaves the room. From the inside, my 9 friends tell me it's like... they can feel their boundaries starting to dissolve and take on the attributes of the person they are around; and either they allow it to happen or they resent it.

From the outside, other people see 9s as overly agreeable or as easily changing their position to please other people or keep the peace; I once saw a 9 agree with someone's pov, then 2 minutes later, agree with the opposite pov from someone else, because they were just... agreeing with whatever anyone said to keep them from fighting with each other. It was not real in her case; she was just faux-keeping the peace by being "agreeable."

It's all about the tone.

Think about the core 1s you know, like Greta Thunberg, and her vocal arguments. The inference is that she is absolutely right in her views, and that people who disagree with her are wrong or irresponsible. 1 comes with "judgment" and "criticism" of others who do not fall in line. The problem is other people, who should care more about [insert thing here] the way that the 1 cares about doing it right. It is competency (I am better at this than most because I take special care to get it right or do it perfect). It is black and white judgment (right vs. wrong, and wrong is intolerable and I need to do something to fix it).

If 1 come first, that is the thing that drives you. Being RIGHT. Perfect. A better person than the slob next to you who half-asses their research or doesn't care about making it good with a little more effort.

If 1 is in the tritype, there is still a rigidity and inflexibility, a sense of right and wrong, a need to get it right or be perfect, and a sense of harsh criticism about the things you notice that are flawed, bad, done poorly, improper, or an injustice. 1 fixers notice what isn't perfect, even if they do not remark on it (I see my friend has gained weight... that picture is crooked... why the hell is this menu item misspelled?).

FiSe wants to act on what it feels and to get their body involved (I love you, I am ready to make love to you, why should we wait when today is all we have?); FiNe prefers to idealize and romanticize (I love you, let me write you a poem and express myself through beautiful words, or find something to represent our love).

I don’t feel as close to Margarita anymore and that’s really sad because it meant it was a short lived friendship.

Margarita spends 40 hours a week in Alice’s presence now.

I knew it would be natural for her to drift away from me.

A small part of me wished Margarita stayed loyal only to me, but the harmony in my heart calls elsewhere. It calls for people to be friends.

I’ve always wanted Alice and Margarita to be friends. I was friends with Alice first and for several years. Margarita was my new friend. That is why I wanted Alice to be at the winery with us to get to know Margarita.

Now they get to know each other fully.

When I also say that I wish Margarita stayed loyal to me, I wanted things to be mutually sound with how I felt about Alice and my friend-breakup. At first, Margarita shouted, “Alice is a bitch!” when I was glum one moment. And then Alice… the 1w9… puts a humanitarian/political sticker on the bumper of her car, and suddenly it’s, “I like Alice, she’s cool 🙂.”

I’d respond back with a nod. 🙂‍↕️ Alice has always been awesome. ‘Uh, DUH!’ I say in my head, ‘This is what I’ve been trying to tell you!’ but sweet Margarita… she was being loyal then. It’s just, again… it wasn’t harmonious, and sound, equal.

That was one thing that always struck me a bit odd about Margarita. She was so damn fast to thinking and judging to the extremes about a person, before even getting to know them!

[sigh]

{Perhaps she gets this way with Disintegration to Type 1 🤔}

Anyway. Margarita.

Elderly 2w1 Coworker comes up to me and says: “——(Yada yada)- I know your people pleasing tendencies can get in the way of things…”—

(which has nothing to do with my issue at the moment)

Me, internally: Da fuq??? Projecting much???

Gut cores (9s) are all about autonomy and anger; suppressing it, while also being aware of the world pressing down on them, inciting them to annoyance at "intrusions." They care mostly about boundaries -- their own, other people's, who is crossing over into their proverbial lane, and the amount of effort involved to get the life they want.

Head cores (6) are all about interpreting the world through their mind; questioning it, testing it, analyzing it, fantasizing about it (good or ill), anticipating the worst, mapping out what to expect, rehersing what you want to say, etc. Taking everything and playing it out in the mind, in order for it to have meaning. To not think-think-think would be unfathomable to them.

Basically, 9s think 6s think way too much; 6s can't imagine thinking as little as 9s appear to do, since they just... decide what to do based on what feels or seems right in the moment. 9s don't relentlessly try to interpret other people's motives, intentions, what they meant by that, etc., the way 6s do by default.