Being hyper aware of those around me and sensing when they need/want/expect something is really difficult to switch off, but I'm getting better at simply being mindful of these observations. There was a time when I felt I *had* to act on everything I took in, which left me incredibly imbalanced.
Today at a Target run, I decided to use the self-checkout. It was a busy morning, so the lines were pretty long and I had a good amount of items to scan in. Without even trying, I could feel the frustration and impatience around me as the line continued to grow longer. There was a time when I would have acknowledged this energy by rushing myself and attempting to take up as little space and time in the world as possible.
Instead, I acknowledged these energies around me and decided I was just as important as everyone else who waited in line. I scanned my items at a comfortable pace, rummaged through my wallet for a $10 gift card I knew I had, then proceeded to bag my groceries in an organized manner. At that moment, I turned the dial down on my external emotional radar to allow more of my inner thoughts through.
Having a better handle on my anxiety compared to last year is a big part of this change too. Anxiety can make it so difficult to process information and determine what is a healthy thought and what isn't.
Realizing there is a dial on this flow of input and now having the mental health to control my impulses has been a game-changer. I feel healthier boundaries drawn between friendships and no longer feel solely responsible for their feelings. I have always given people the space to comfortably express themselves and I'm now at a point where I give some of that space to myself, too.
I definitely notice a shift as other people react to and see a change in me, but I no longer feel weighed down by it. I acknowledge the observations, but they do not determine my final course of action.
Overall, I'm beginning to feel more at peace and in-line with myself. One of the benefits of reading into various cognitive personality theories is the perspectives it has given me. Everything used to be jumbled in my mind but now it's like I can envision compartments, dials, and switches working together to make me who I am. Giving form to something intangible has allowed me both more freedom and control. :)
