Why Are You So ENFJ
Part 8
Okay so part 8 yaaaasssss. Originally I was going to put the parts in order of like xNTx, xNFx, xSxJ, and xSxP, but it’s so out of order that it’s whatever now. Anyway, if this is the first part of the ‘Why Are You So…’ series that you’re seeing, this is essentially where I yap and explain the cognitive functions of the MBTI types. The first part of this series is the introduction, history, and table of contents. I will link that here if you are interested. So now, without further ado, the worldly ENFJ!
Dominant: Fe
If Extraverted Feeling were to be summarized into a phrase, it would be ‘concerned with people.’ Fe is all about people; connecting with people, understanding people, observing people, understanding morality, and understanding the ‘why’ behind how people act. For people who have Fe as a dominant function (ExFJs), their personalities reflect this. Even when socially introverted, Fe dominants crave some form of connection with people and have a deep understanding of how people are. It is because of this that many Fe dominants have an air of “forbidden knowledge” or “motherliness” about them. For ExFJs, because Fe is their dominant function, this response feels much more automatic and unconscious. It’s their go-to point of view in every situation, so it feels more automatic/ like a feeling than something they have to think about.
To make Fe a bit more clear, I’ll explain it in relation to Fi. As I explained in a previous post, Fi is all about understanding what the individual person expects from themself, what they feel, what they think of a situation, etc. Fe is like if you took all of those qualities but then directed them outward. So Fe understands what others expect of them, social norms, absorb what others feel, and what people generally think of certain social situations. The main reason behind this is because, well, Fe is extraverted. This constant “outwardness” is also what can cause Fe-dominants to freeze up with someone “exposes” a part of the Fe-user. It’s not that they don’t enjoy being complimented or being helped, but they’re so use to putting themselves out there, that when they’re put back inwards (and ultimately reflect on themselves) it can feel “out of their comfort-zone.” So with that, Fe also needs other people to “bounce off of” so they can:
Understand what they individually think of a situation and work on their internal thinking.
Come to a conclusion on a topic, even if they don’t morally necessarily agree with the conclusion.
Understand themselves through others without risking awkwardness/breaking social norms.
A major influence into this need is because Fe is a judging function, which means it is primarily concerned with making decisions or judging how things are. Most of the time, people. However, it is also concerned with understanding people so that it can make a “good” decision for everyone. This is where Ti sort of plays a part. Fe dominants want to do what’s best/accurate for people, especially those they love, so they look for others opinions. These opinions are then taken into consideration to help the Fe dominant make their decision. To some people this can appear like being indecisive or being a “people pleaser.” However, this is just how Fe makes decisions and makes sure it makes the right decision.
In an earlier post, I believe I explained the process of looking for opinions as like Fe needs other people to have an opinion. As I’m thinking about it, I’m starting to realize that that could be taken as “Fe dominants don’t have opinions and just go with whatever people tell them to.” That is wrong, and actually many Fe users are the first to point out when something isn’t right. While some immature Fe-dominants can definitely have a codependent quality, what I meant was more along the lines of that in order to completely understand their own thoughts/feelings, Fe dominants HAVE to “air it out” in some way. For example, talking to someone they trust about something they need to make a decision on. This does not mean that they do not have opinions of their own or do not value their alone time. It simply means that their ability to connect with people is crucial to their ability to live, not just survive.
This need to “air out” can cause ENFJs to appear emotional. However without the ability to “air everything out,” Fe dominants become unhealthy and can enter a grip/loop, which is what will cause them to actually be emotional. A big factor into this is that they have inferior Ti, which means that without access to interpersonal relationships, Fe dominants can become huge over-thinkers. This can cause Fe dominants to appear “obsessive” or “controlling” in their own way. I will explain more of this under ‘Inferior: Ti,’ but essentially as long as the ENFJ has access to other people and they are able to build connections, they will be happy.
With that being said, ENFJs have the tendency to overextend themselves because of their need to try to fit in. This stems from the need for reliable relationships. This typically happens because dominant Fe users are not naturally in-tune with how they feel, so they can easily “forget” themselves for the sake of other people. This can make the ENFJ highly aware of other’s conflicting opinions/emotions, which is also because of this that Fe dominants can experience “feeling everyone in a room.” Their ability to understand every single person’s experience and fundamental way of being can cause the Fe-dominant to feel as though they have “absorbed” everyone. This can cause issues, such as a lack of personal identity, exhaustion, create an emphasis on “keeping the peace,” and make them people pleasers. The best way to overcome this is to work on boundary setting, which can feel very selfish. However, boundaries are crucial for the health of the Fe dominant.
Auxiliary: Ni
Introverted Intuition is the helper to Fe. Simply put, Ni takes in the information absorbed by Fe and then directs the train-of-thought on where to go with said information. Think of it like a train. Yes, there is a train, and yes, there are people on that train who pay for that train, but the train would be useless without a conductor. Ni is sort of like the conductor in this case.
For ENFJs, because Fe identifies what other people feel/expect, Ni tells the ENFJ what to do about it. For a lot of ENFJs, this can look something like:
Fe: Yo, so I just noticed that my best friend went silent after I mentioned her fiancé and I can't help but feel like something bad happened.
Se: Also, her ring was gone? What was that about?
Ni: Oh, so that probably means that they broke up. If we ask her about it, she may feel bad. If we don't mention it, she might stuff her emotions up and then lash out/feel lonely/get mad at us or other people. We should ask her if she wants to talk about it.
Ni, in the auxiliary position is right next to Se. This creates a conflict, yes, which I will explain in a second, however it also allows the two to work hand-in-hand. For Ni, the relationship with Se is like being the "older sibling." Se provides a grounded-ness to Ni, as in Se allows Ni to create assumptions based off of real-world "facts." Ni guides Se by giving Se a path to use its talents, such as fixing real-world problems. For ENFJs, this appears mostly in relationships or with other people's problems.
However, I cannot say this without explaining that Ni and Se often do not get along. I've sort of explained this in previous posts, but the auxiliary and tertiary functions often conflict. It's like when you have two people in a kitchen trying to work but they keep having to reach over each other and end up bumping into one another. Both parties are obviously needed for the function of the kitchen, but it can get extremely annoying for the two to constantly be around each other.
Ni has the tendency to get carried away with how things will happen, also considering that Ti presents itself through Ni. You know, taking an observation and running with it with seemingly "logical" conclusions, and then insisting that it knows the best plan of action. Se is concerned with how things are, as in what is actually happening in real time. What ends up happening is that the two become frustrated with each other. This creates conflict. Because the auxiliary and the tertiary functions are the more "conscious" functions, this tends to be observed consciously by the ENFJ, leading to stress. Usually, Ni tends to come out on top of this conflict. However, when it doesn't, this usually triggers a loop which can then sometimes lead to a grip.
Tertiary: Se
Extraverted Sensing is the main part of the ENFJ that creates both a sense of freedom and stress. On one end, ENFJs tend to do better in learning if they can apply their knowledge in hands-on/practical ways. Likewise, getting into the world around them, such as through walking or talking to others, is beneficial to their mental stability. This is where many ENFJs end up developing hobbies, such as playing an instrument, hiking, biking, writing, sewing, baking, cooking, woodwork, etc. This also allows them to be in-tune with aesthetic elements. These characteristics/hobbies not only allow the ENFJ to experience new sensations, but they also allow the ENFJ to get out of their head and into the real world.
However, with that being said, Se is where ENFJs can hit a “stress-point.” This typically happens because when Fe and Se get together, it can allow the ENFJ to enter a “flow-state” with their environment. What I mean by that is that ENFJs can feel as though they are completely one with their environment, the people in their environment, and the actions that they are performing. While this can be beneficial, as it can allow the ENFJ to “melt” into their environment, it can cause the ENFJ to feel as though they “feel everything.” Such as, for example, feel the emotions that others are feeling, understand what someone is thinking, and understand what their environment, in general, needs without really needing to think about it. This can cause the ENFJ to appear as though they can forget themselves and take on the identity of everything around them. They also can use this quality to distract themselves from stressors affecting their life. Simply put, they are at high risk of lacking boundaries.
Another characteristic I'd like to throw in is that because Se is a "weaker" function, it can become irritated with concepts that do not fit what it wants. Such as impracticality.
On a more conscious level, the ENFJ can enter a Se loop. To recap on what a loop is, it is when the dominant function, instead of going to the auxiliary function, skips over it and goes to the tertiary function. While on paper this doesn't sound bad, this usually doesn't happen unless a type is under stress. You also have to keep in mind that the tertiary function is a weaker function and isn't usually developed until later on in life, like around the early-mid 20s. Even then, the function isn't that strong; it's not equipped to be depended on. It's like if you had a felon running your country (oh, wait-).
Se loops can look like becoming more impulsive, taking on other people's emotions/problems impulsively, over-indulgence in the physical (like eating too much of a certain food, drinking), and trying things you normally wouldn't because of impulsivity. Also, it can appear as desperately trying to interact with people and feeling as though you're not showing your true self. This is where the stereotype of ENFJs being "fake" comes from.
Now, this brings up another question: "If Se is weak and becomes stressed when someone is already stressed, doesn't Se eventually crash?" Yes, anonymous person in my head, yes it does. Most of the time a grip can be stopped and usually is. To stop a Se grip, you have to reinforce Ni. So, try to start thinking about what you're doing before you do it, ask yourself how you taking on other's problems will stress you later, how an impulsive decision will negatively impact you, etc.
However, when a grip is not stopped, this is when someone can enter a grip. I explained in the next section what a grip is, however, I'll explain it here as well. A grip is when all of the other three functions are burnt out, so everything is left up to the inferior function. I go into more detail about this in the next section, but basically, a loop can create a grip. This doesn't always happen, obviously, but it can. So take care of yourselves!
Inferior: Ti
Introverted Thinking is the part of the ENFJ that makes them obsess over finding out how things ‘are.’ This can come in handy, especially for when they have to figure out technical problems or learn something new. However, because it is in the inferior placement, this is all it can really be good for, as it is also the part of the ENFJ that they feel they have to hide. For healthy types, Ti finds a way to redirect itself through Fe in social situations. This means that Ti will be shown through how the ENFJ interacts with people, for example, unconsciously understanding why most people react a certain way to a certain statement. In situations where the ENFJ has to learn something technical or less people-based, Ti will present through Se.
The negative part of this need to figure things out is that Ti can cause the ENFJ to obsess over behaviors and/or relationships. Ti, especially in this type, acts like an analyst, always looking for inaccuracies, errors, and sometimes underlying meanings. For ENFJs, because they are people-oriented, this is shown through how they think about their interactions. This can appear one of two ways:
They try to figure out why someone does a certain thing which then can lead to;
They feel as though others judge them for not adhering to unknown expectations.
Both of these cases are due to the feeling of lack of adherence to a specific sense of morality.
This then causes the ENFJ to think over their situations with people, try to figure out “why” someone responded a certain way and/or that person’s intentions. This can then sometimes lead to the ENFJ blaming themself and then reinforcing pressure to meet other people’s expectations. To others, this can appear like a need for reassurance, people-pleasing, low self-esteem, and insecurity.
The other conclusion to this train of thought is a Ti grip. To recap, a grip is when a person uses their other three functions to the point of exhaustion, so there is no other choice but to rely on the inferior function. This is most common in people who are stressed, and those who have experienced trauma are more prone to falling into these grips. For ENFJs, they enter a Ti grip.
The biggest characteristic of a Ti grip is the thought that, as an ENFJ, they have been used by everyone around them and that they cannot give anymore. This then causes the ENFJ to become resentful, move away from other people, and become highly suspicious of other people’s motives. They also may feel caught between a rock-in-a-hard-place because the ENFJ ends up not communicating their needs properly (typically out of fear of being selfish), so they still want other people in their lives. However, they’ve learned that unless they are taking on other people’s problems, playing a parental role in someone’s life, or giving to others, then they are ultimately undesirable. This just then reinforces the process of leading to a Ti grip. It also explains why many ENFJs identify as an enneagram 2.
I would also like to throw in that these moments can look very similar to an unhealthy Ti-dominant type (INTP and ISTP). It can cause ENFJs, especially those with trauma, to mistype as some of these types. As someone who is a high Fe-user who's diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, when in a depressive episode I tend to have a striking resemblance to my dad (INTP w/ clinical depression). The main difference is to understand that this is not who the Fe dom is all of the time, and that these are mostly just responses to stressors/triggers. These moments generally should not last super long, and if they do, I advise that you look into considering that you could be an unhealthy Ti-dominant. Yay life!
The best way to get out of this state is by reinforcing a higher function, particularly Ni, but Fe will also work. Fe will allow the ENFJ to tie in the “judgement” of how people are. Ni will then allow the ENFJ to take that judgment and see the situation for how it is then move to potentially solve the problem.
For ENFJs, they end up feeling used because they are not surrounded by the right people. This usually comes from a lack of boundary setting. While I understand that everyone must walk their own path, boundary setting will help eliminate people who do not truly care for you and will make room for people who do care for you.
That is it for part 8! If you are wondering, the header is of the wonderful Dr. Maya Angelou. She was a wonderful writer, poet, and activist, and I 100% recommend you check out her literature. Her poetry is just ‘phenomenal.’
If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please ask! I have fixed the ask button at the top of my page (please let me know if it actually works)! However, you are also free to ask in the comments. Have a great day, council! Till next time.
“I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.”
~ Maya Angelou
