May 6
Patroclus: What would you say if one day I came home with...uh...6 puppies?
Achilles: Whatโs in the box?
Patroclus: ...
Achilles: Whatโs in the box, Patroclus?
Patroclus:
Achilles:
Patroclus: I think you know!
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Patroclus: What would you say if one day I came home with...uh...6 puppies?
Achilles: Whatโs in the box?
Patroclus: ...
Achilles: Whatโs in the box, Patroclus?
Patroclus:
Achilles:
Patroclus: I think you know!
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This fanfic shit is easy.
Diomedes: "I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy." I would. Pussy. Odysseus: "I wouldn't stoop to their level." I will. Coward. Achilles: "I'm the bigger person." I'm not. Give me the gun, bitch.
He tried to eat him raw mid-duel ๐๐
Ref under cut:
The original long distance trooper
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AGAMEMNON: Hey bro, everything okay? You look like someone pissed in your cheerios.
MENELAUS: No, it's fucking not okay! Helen just ran off with some little man-whore from Troy! She can't do that to me! He can't do that to me! Who do they think they are? I'm a fucking king of Sparta! I'll rip his head off! I'll kill him! I'll kill his whole family!
AGAMEMNON: Whoa, whoa, take a chill pill! Yeah, that fucking sucks. Total bullshit, I hear you. I'd be mad, too. But dude...Troy? That's all the way across the ocean. It's not exactly a day trip.
MENELAUS: I don't care! He deserves to die for taking what is mine!
AGAMEMNON: And say you make the trip, then what? No one's going to let you in if you stand there at the gates screaming about ripping off heads.
MENELAUS: He took my wife! The most beautiful woman in the world!
AGAMEMNON: I know, I know, Helen's crazy hot. But there are lots of gorgeous women in Greece, and you're Menelaus of Fucking Sparta, bro. You've got girls falling all over themselves for you. Take your pick. Shit, take two or three!
MENELAUS: To wife?
AGAMEMNON: To bed, dude! Your wife ran off on you with little pissant? Her loss! This is your chance to go wild! Forget about fucking Helen.
MENELAUS: ...are you drunk?
AGAMEMNON: Oh, totally, for sure. It's this new stuff from Crete, you gotta try it.
MENELAUS: You're not even taking this seriously!
AGAMEMNON: I'm just saying. Would you rather spend the next couple years sailing and fighting and pitching some giant hissy fit, or would you rather stay here and have some fun?
MENELAUS: ....pass me the wine.
And they all lived happily ever after--Menelaus, Agamemnon, Helen, Paris, Achilles, Patroclus, Hector, Andromache, Astyanax, Odysseus, Penelope, Telemachus, Diomedes, Nestor, Ajax, Teucer, Neo, Cassandra, Iphigenia, Eurylochus, Ctimene, Anticlea, Polites, all the citizens of Troy, Odysseus' whole crew, the sirens, all Penelope's would-be suitors, Helios' cow, Polyphemus and his sheep, EVERYONE.
/FIN
Odysseus: You're son of a bitch!
Neoptolemus: Don't you dare call my mother like this!
Odysseus: Who was talking about your mother?
Odysseus' journey was so wild that he even went to the moon.