#bpd depression

I always would put boundaries around my time and sometimes I felt like I had to lie to people because people can be really selfish with your time. If they thought that they could get more from you, they take it. You know, that's what I always hated about having a job. There was always this sense that when you work for someone, they expect to squeeze every bit of time they can out of you because they're paying you and they're not going to pay you for nothing.

You know, there are people who believe that because they're giving you money, the money that they know you need to live, they can take advantage of you. They assume that if you need the job, you'll do whatever they ask, no matter how stupid or pointless it is, because after all, they're paying you. You know, I don't miss that. Money created this like really sick relationship with other people. Once someone gives you money, it becomes a trap and it's really hard to escape. You know, I used to hate having a boss breathe down my neck.

I'd work an eight-hour shift and honestly I'd only probably only worked two of those hours. The rest of the time I'd just walk around with my clipboard pretending to be busy. I'd move quickly, you know, like I had somewhere important to be just to look productive. That's what a boss likes to see. Motion. They want to see you doing something even when the real work only took like two hours, you know. You know, if they catch you sitting, they get pissed. Even if there's nothing left to do, you know? So, I'd fake it. I'd walk around, look busy, you know, make them feel like they're getting their money's worth, but they weren't.

It's like they'd rather see you miserable and in motion than calm and at ease. Makes no sense. It's like they need to see struggle to feel justified in paying you. So, I pretended because if I didn't, I'd get screwed for it, you know, and life is already hard enough, you know. You don't need someone coming down on you for being efficient, you know. Now, I know if I said that to an employer or a business owner, they probably think I'm the worst type of employee, but I mean, come on, man. Do you expect me to care about selling plastic products while I'm spending my finite time being here?

Now, I know it wasn't my boss, you know, personally, but it was what he represented. You know, it was the whole system built so like rich people could get richer and everybody else sort of wastes their time. And maybe if I wasn't forced to make money, I'd have time to foster the skills that truly make an impact. But that isn't realistic, though. So, as much as I miss my family, um, they kept asking me to get a cell phone. I remember thinking to myself like, "No, I'm not doing that." You know, because once they knew I had a phone, I'd be available to them all the time. And I don't want to be available to people all the time.

Sometimes I'd even lie. I'd say, you know, I'm going to be out when I was actually going to be home just so I had an excuse not to answer. And you know, maybe that's selfish. Maybe I just, you know, didn't want to talk. Maybe I just wanted to be left alone. Getting a cell phone felt like it was inviting people into my life on demand. And I didn't want that. Just like it's not natural for people to have that kind of access to another person. I don't know. That's at least what I think and I know it probably comes from an inability to disappoint people. Some would say why don't you just say no if they ask but I don't know sometimes no doesn't feel like a complete sentence.

If I said I wasn't available, they want a reason. And maybe the reason is I just like I don't want to talk right now, you know, or I was planning to watch a movie, you know? It sounds small, but it wasn't to me. It wasn't. Maybe that's what I needed, you know? Feels like modern day communication was the thief of life. Now, after a long day, sometimes all I wanted to do to unwind was just, you know, relax. Just relax. But saying I need to relax never felt like a good enough reason to fall short of somebody else's expectations, you know, even though it should have been. So, I didn't ask for it. I just took it.

And if I had to lie to protect that time, I did because I shouldn't have to justify wanting peace. And I know that's avoidant. Maybe that was life challenging me to grow, but sometimes I just don't want to grow. Sometimes I just want to rest. It defeats the purpose of relaxing if I have to grow while doing it. You know, sometimes I want to say no to the challenge, put a boundary around life itself, which sounds arrogant because it's impossible, you know, and maybe it's a mirror showing me something about myself that, you know, I don't want to see. My unhealthy desire to numb my avoidance. Maybe it's showing me something deeper. I don't know.

Maybe the truth is I I really was afraid. I was incapable of connecting with other people the way I wanted to, and that I would never feel close to my family and my friends, not the way I wanted to at least, you know, and maybe that's why I kept telling myself that people only want to use my time because it's easier to believe that than to imagine that they actually wanted to spend time with me, get to know me. You know, some days this self-hatred really runs so deep and I still can't picture people actually wanting to talk to me just to talk to me. Safer to believe that everybody is a time-sucking vampire than to actually risk rejection.

You know, I don't know when I became so guarded. I never really felt safe around other people. You know, something bad happened. I never felt safe enough to share that share the pain with someone else. So, I faced it alone with nowhere to let it out. It built up over years and years until it got so deep I couldn't tell you where it began or how to talk about it. You know, people would ask me what's wrong. I'd just say I don't know. And I used to tell myself that when the pain gets great, when it gets great enough, I'll share. I didn't want to bother anybody. Just felt like, you know, it's not bad enough yet to burden others yet.

And then one day, my brother died and I still couldn't share the pain. That excuse to keep putting it off. It's bottomless. It won't end until I make a beginning. And that loneliness, it just breeds anger, blame, bitterness. I'd have given anything to let that go. I just didn't know how. So when I'm alone, I don't have to face any of that. You know, I'm not disturbed. So anyway, I have my affirmation that I tell myself every day and preparing me for when I see other people again. And it goes like this. I am likable and I attract genuine connection. I say that to myself every day. Pretty good, right?