#bpd mood

i keep fucking ruining shit. i always ruin shit i’m so fucking stupid i don’t deserve anything i don’t deserve love. i should’ve di3d all those fucking times but i guess i was too much of a fucking idiot to do it correctly

it enrages me that a lot of diagnoses come from doing tests and procedures because as a chronic illness sufferer, a lot of my blood work shows up as not abnormal enough. POTS was the easiest diagnosis for me. endometriosis took a year which is actually rare because it can take 7-12 years to get a diagnosis. this autoimmune shit??? I fucking pass out in the road at Cleveland Clinic after a four hour MRI, burning up because it’s hot as fuck outside, do my tests, and then my tests come out as mixed so they’re abnormal and now I have to wait three months to do blood work again! I literally had to take time off work because I can barely get out of bed most days. I’m still up and somewhat functioning (how???) but it feels like I’m dragging my body. I’ve not ready to go back into work but short term disability doesn’t pay that much so here I am. feeling between dead and not really here. my energy is so depleted until my Pregabalin kicks in but with my bpd, pots, body, it feels like I’m high and I don’t know what is going on. I get why tests are needed but I’m here at the office, flaring up, but you have to say “oh, but the tests-” I’ve gotten to the point where my mental state is so bad (fuck you BPD) that I cry after every appointment because what the fuck now? I hate it here.

might ghost everyone and call it a year

I feel like able minded people see BPD as “attention seeking” when we genuinely don’t know if we are loved or wanted. we know at times that we are appreciated and our presence is wanted but BPD literally makes you feel as if everyone hates you and doesn’t want you around. it snatches your soul and energy at every given chance. idk with BPD, I’ve always felt like a last resort and unwanted and I think BPD just feeds off that. so if someone with BPD asks “hey, does anyone want my opinion” it’s because we don’t know how it feels like to be asked anything. oh, you want my help, my opinion, me?

stg all i think about is the things i dont get and the ways i don't compare

sometimes I get really optimistic and love everything around me then I realize I'm just about to have the worst mental breakdown of my life