Apologies if you’ve already spoken on this, and of course feel free to ignore if it’s not something you want to share, but I wondered how you personally approach polyamory, what it looks like for you, both practically/logistically and emotionally?
For a long, long time I’ve felt that monogamy doesn’t feel right for me and that I’ve been trying to fit myself into a socially accepted relationship model that just isn’t sustainable for me.
On the other hand, I struggle sometimes to see how I would approach polyamory in reality. I think those struggles stem more from just the fact that it’s not a commonly practiced relationship model (ie, the simple fact that whenever I find myself crushing on someone they’re always monogamous, or the fact that we live in a society structured around long term monogamous romantic partnership and marriage, and which makes it more difficult to attain some level of stability/security outside of that model, and how will I feel about that as I get older?)
I know of course that there’s lots of reading and exploring I can do on this topic, and I plan to, but I always appreciate hearing your thoughts and experiences so I thought I’d ask!
hi anon! i don't think (?) i've spoken on this before, but i'm happy to.
due to things that happened in my family combined with broader societal stigma, i had a deep-seated prejudice toward polyamory as a teen/new adult. but ultimately, i did move toward polyamory by the end of undergrad, because i kinda came to the same conclusion one comes to when they figure out their sexuality, etc. - that they're not going to have happy or generative or meaningful relationships if they continue to take the wrong shape.
i at first attempted to sustain multiple "serious" as it were relationships at once, and this (for me personally) was unsuccessful. after those breakups, i did some soul-searching, and found it particularly meaningful to read about aromantic-spectrum/lovequeer peoples' lives and experiences, ultimately coming to identify myself as lovequeer. i relate to relationships and love in a way that isn't suited to monogamy, because i am unwilling and unable to be someone's sole support, their whole world, their perpetual and exclusive go-to person. i don't want it. i do not want one person to be that for me. i enjoy having various forms of intimacy - deep talks, hugs, cuddles, kisses, sex - with a variety of people, each of whose relationship with me is different, beautiful in its uniqueness. these relationships are in perpetual flux, and that's okay with me, as long as we communicate clearly about what we need. i posted recently about enjoying being a vers/switch sexually, too, and being able to express my sexuality w/ many different people allows me to play with all of those different roles.
so, all that is to say that i've kinda settled on a form of nonmonogamy that works for me, and allows me to have a variety of shifting intimacies with a large number of people, and feel free to initiate new relationships of care/eroticism/support without fear of cheating on someone, making them jealous, making them resentful. i surround myself with people who are also comfortable with this sort of thing - including the monogamous ones. my best friend is monogamous and in a serious, long-term relationship. our intimacies are platonic, and always have been, and neither of us has any desire to change that. so, it works. mostly, when i make new friends, they're at least amenable to polyamory/queer approaches to intimacy, so if i do find myself developing some kind of attraction to them, this is something we can work out openly, or something i could pursue if i so chose.
mostly, practically, i recommend you make more polyam friends (online and irl!) with whom you can experiment with different levels of intimacy and see what feels fun and comfortable. i think it's also very meaningful to bring these kinds of conversations re: intimacy and boundaries into monogamous friends' lives, as they are unused to having them. regarding stability, i think of this often, and have accepted that i will need to have a full-time job/fallbacks/etc. to ensure that i can maintain the living-alone life i want and need to lead. this may change for you or i or anyone, who knows, but it is what i take into consideration when i make career choices.
i think being non-monogamous and queer in a society that rewards heteromonogamy is challenging, both socially and structurally, but it would be far more challenging to live a life of confinement and misery. the more people you find that share our approach to life, the more ways you'll see are possible to exist happily and in community despite material and social strictures. at least, that's been my experience.
