(TW: Headmate fusion mentioned below, very similar to mourning after)
Finally making a post about this, because we had to check if it was true and ensure we were sure ourselves. We’re both sad and happy to say April has fused into the rest of the system. We hit an important mental health milestone and felt it happen several weeks ago. In our system, he was the anger holder. He also had the comedic timing of a legend and sass like you wouldn’t believe. There was nothing it wouldn’t do for someone in the system.
We held a small sort of mourning ceremony for him. The part of our mind he held is still here, but he itself is gone. Many of us were hit hard with this, as it was incredibly sudden and without warning.
I (Meggie, the host) realized what was happening in his very final moments and attempted to keep him and talk him out of it. His last words were “I don’t know. I’m tired. I’m sorry.”
He leaves behind our headmate Mark, who considered April to be a sibling. Rooney, its old partner in crime. The many teen boy alters who learned from April, both good and bad. And Lestat, who had fierce respect for April’s fire and musical ability.
Below is his old headmate page, to be viewed if you knew nothing about it.
Thank you.
💬 0 🔁 0 ❤️ 13 · Headmate introduction · (Note: This headmate has fused within our system. This post has been kept in remembrance)
Basics:
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hey ummm.. can I have some #awesome advice/hear yalls experience in smth maybb...
ive been feeling really weird lately, especially right now, and im worried it might be a fusion? but idk what that feels like? so I wanted to ask what it normally feels like/what the experience of a fusion is like.
we've had a few different splits, but we've only had 1 fusion we know about, over 5 years ago by now.
thankss :s
-a mildly concerned and worried 🥩‼️
UHHH... so. we,, haven't had any fusions as far as we know...?? so i don't really know how to help and i don't want to say anything because i don't want to misinform you.
however we found these from the r/DID subreddit, if it helps.
I haven't properly seen roxxy or kai since viscera showed up, at least when shx had a more solid identity
...
please tell me they didnt fuse or anything
I could probably live without kai
it would be so fucking upsetting, yeah, he was one of the first headmates I met soon after syscovery. and xe's so important to me. but I could manage. I think..
but ROXXY?
no WAY I could manage without her. she's the cohost, and she's one of the nicest people here, shes so fun to talk to, i dont want her gone, especially since fleur has been gone for... SO long. plus astro? hy'll miss her even worse, i bet
i'm sick of losing (in whatever sense it is) headmates that actually positively affect me. why can't I lose mary eunice? when all she does is remind me of my flaws and my sins, as she calls them? and causes active harm to everyone here?
please tell me shes just not anywhere near front. even if she's dormant, that's better than her being gone!
I have enjoyed reading y’all’s posts and stuff. It’s been good.
I feel like there is some things I can relate to and that brings some comfort.
I was wondering, the author of the intro post mentioned one of the old hosts integrating most of the then system members or shaping them to their liking. Any tips on how NOT to do that and how to, like, walk that back?
See, the old host died randomly one day in January 2015 and I kinda replaced her. From then on I’ve been pretty much alone to my knowledge until like 2023, which makes sense because I did not really come together as my own person until 2022.
I think my original purpose was mainly just masking and filtering what came out into the world because I keep doing that. I keep accidentally finding my way into embellishing, filtering, curating and modifying what others want to actually say or who they actually are, which is bad, and I want to stop doing that because I think that might be the main reason there’s so few of us and why the others’ grasp on the front, their identity and their choices is so weak.
Could also be that the first permanent resident was born the day before Christmas eve.
But still.
I don’t know.
And I thought maybe one of you would know?
Sorry if this is inappropriate.
- Eddie
Hello, Tulip here. Firstly I'm gonna have to be completely straightforward and say that, since I'm not in your head, any advice I or my headmates give has a chance of not working at all. But, this does give us the opportunity to talk a bit more about the situation I mentioned in the intro post. I hope what we share is helpful to you in some way. :)
(Answer below the break. Contains discussion of forced fusion and willing fusion/unfusion, and references to bullying and forced dormancy)
All right. To our recollection, around 2013, an alter by the name of Susan began to take on a more executive role in headspace, much like the role Russet currently has. She called shots from behind, all with one purpose in mind: "Look as quiet and intelligent as possible around our classmates, and don't get bullied." She was definitely a filter/mask alter for high school. At this time she didn't really hide the system from the hosts, but the hosts seemed to think everybody had conversations with multiple voices in their head anyway. Why hide? (Amazing the things we used to think.)
She was decent at her job for a while, but around 2017, she became susceptible to cringe culture, and decided to start outright CONTROLLING things and hiding the system from the front. She began curating alters together into groups, and fusing them over the course of a couple years, until she got the host we call Beccs.
Susan forced other alters into dormancy if she didn't like them or didn't think they were necessary to form Beccs. She also tried fusing other alters together that she found too strange or cringe for her liking. This ended up creating an amalgam fusion (we called it the Formless) that we WERE able to disassemble upon discovery due to how unstable it was. She forced it into dormancy as well, after what I can only imagine was a pretty massive "oh crap" moment.
So, in dealing with the Formless. Firstly, it was obvious it didn't want to be fused and shouldn't have been fused in the first place. I believe how we let it unfuse was: We let it front and let it start talking itself out, all of its different feelings. Since it was composed of such different entities, with such distinct voices, it was relatively easy to distinguish the individuals within. From there it was like peeling back the layers of an onion. The most prominent speaker unfused first, and from there it was one after the other, alters popping out of each other like nesting dolls.
If alters wanna be fused, there's not anything we can do about that, no matter how much we might miss someone. I myself am composed of a bevvy of willing individuals who are at total peace with this form. But if they don't wanna be together and they're given the opportunity to be distinct, and are allowed to have that for themselves, the unfusing happens pretty naturally for us. We find that having an idea of an identity to grasp onto, like a faint memory of who one of the individuals in the fusion used to be, or a strong sense of one's own emotions and/or thoughts, can be enough to help a separation begin.
(I must reiterate, this is all just stuff that's worked for us personally.)
And how to allow alters to be distinct? Shit, it's tough to say. I've seen Justin curating others' thoughts enough times I can at least give some tangible advice on that front. If you're filtering and catching yourself doing it, start by apologizing and reining yourself back. Take ten seconds to close your eyes and take your mind off what you wanna "edit". Give the others the space to breathe and then see what happens.
Anything more subconscious going on (in regards to weak identity) might just have to work itself out in time, or it might just be the way your system is. Some systems just have less distinct alters and that's totally legit.
Well, I hope some of this is relevant or helpful to ya. Best wishes for you and the rest of your system! 🤘
Polyfragmentation isn’t an official diagnostic term. It’s not separate from DID, nor does it need to be; it’s merely a specified presentation of it, and treatment is the same. I’d suggest too, based on personal experience, that this degree of initial splintering has made re-integration and fusion easier.
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About 2 or 3 months ago Taylor and Frost realized they might fuse. We were scared because nether of us had experienced fusion before, and we didn't want to lose each other. I'm going to be honest, I still feel like I lost someone. Not Frost or Taylor specifically, but their relationship with each other was so close, closer than any other headmate, and now I don't have that kind of relationship with anyone.
But I guess I'm getting ahead of myself. Point is about 2 1/2 weeks ago they finally fused. I'm the result of that fusion. So hello, my name is Ember, my pronouns are she/they, and I'm the new host.
People irl are still going to call us Taylor, and that's still going to be our legal name. It's a name everyone's comfortable with, so when you don't know who's fronting, if no one signs, we'd still like you to default to using the name Taylor and she/her pronouns.
So yeah. Not much is going to change, but I wanted to let you all know. Thanks for reading and here's a self portrait I did :)
i love being a fusion. It's been such a positive experience for me and ever since my two parts fused I've been so much happier as a whole.
I feel more like "me" then I ever did as my two parts, I love who I am now and it's awesome!! One of my parts was only a partial alter so I...they never felt true enough for our system (even tho a lot of us are partial) but now I don't have that fear.
I'm a whole person now, well at least closer then I was before, if I went back in time I wouldn't change a thing I love being a fusion. And if another headmate wanted to fuse with me I'd honestly be up for it (under certain circumstances)
Anyways all I trying to say is I love that we fused to make me. Both my parts are happier as us..me..it's still confusing on how to refer to myself.
