#alter death

I feel like there is some things I can relate to and that brings some comfort.

I was wondering, the author of the intro post mentioned one of the old hosts integrating most of the then system members or shaping them to their liking. Any tips on how NOT to do that and how to, like, walk that back?

See, the old host died randomly one day in January 2015 and I kinda replaced her. From then on I’ve been pretty much alone to my knowledge until like 2023, which makes sense because I did not really come together as my own person until 2022.

I think my original purpose was mainly just masking and filtering what came out into the world because I keep doing that. I keep accidentally finding my way into embellishing, filtering, curating and modifying what others want to actually say or who they actually are, which is bad, and I want to stop doing that because I think that might be the main reason there’s so few of us and why the others’ grasp on the front, their identity and their choices is so weak.

Could also be that the first permanent resident was born the day before Christmas eve.

But still.

I don’t know.

And I thought maybe one of you would know?

Sorry if this is inappropriate.

- Eddie

Hello, Tulip here. Firstly I'm gonna have to be completely straightforward and say that, since I'm not in your head, any advice I or my headmates give has a chance of not working at all. But, this does give us the opportunity to talk a bit more about the situation I mentioned in the intro post. I hope what we share is helpful to you in some way. :)

(Answer below the break. Contains discussion of forced fusion and willing fusion/unfusion, and references to bullying and forced dormancy)

Tips on how to force an alter to shatter?

[pt: Tips on how to force an alter to shatter?]

I know this is seen as morally wrong. It is our last resort. Please trust me on this. This alter has done horrible, horrible things and we can't just sit back and let him keep doing this stuff. We have tried being nice, we have tried convincing him to not do this, we have TRIED. Nothing works. Shattering is the only option

If you have no advice please at least try tagging or redirecting us to a plural help/advice blog who we could ask instead, or someone you think might have advice

Please

So I know alters can't die in the sense that they are a literal part of your brain and the only way for an alter to truly die is if somehow, that specific part of your brain dies. Alter death seems to come up a lot in relation to inner world stuff, where an alter appears to die or is killed in some way. Oftentimes people will tell others that the alter that appeared to die in those moments are not truly dead.

However...

If an alter splits into enough parts, or an alter goes dormant long-term, or even if alters fuse together, could that not be a sort of "death"? Maybe not in the traditional sense of death, but... wouldn’t that still be a kind of loss, in a way?

(I am trying not to imply that alters fusing means that one or more alters are disappearing, but I know that sometimes the fused alter feels like a new identity or that one of the alters no longer exists. I would rather acknowledge these feelings and perceptions even if "logically" and "scientifically" this is not actually happening.)

I don't really know what I'm trying to say. Just. I feel like there's some kind of discussion to be had about what people may call "death" in regards to alters and being allowed to grieve for these alters. A discussion that's oftentimes swept away with the phrase "alters can't actually die" over and over.

There are self helping materials for disordered system (Be A Teammate With Yourself), and regarding stuff like someone in your head threatens to kill you they suggest that it's not possible so you don't have to worry. And when thinking about about the definition of "death" like this, it feels unsettling, especially when we have some really aggressive guys here always trying to lure us to just "die" in a philosophy/mental way, could also lead to physically harm/death.

I mean, I'm pretty firmly on the side that irreversible headmate death, if it exists, can't be intentionally caused. At least with developed headmates.

The reason is that, as I see it, headmates are made up of memories. And memories exist, in a sense, within the physical brain. As long as the memories exist, so will the headmates. And the inner world is just mental imagery. I don't believe anything you can do in the inner world would be enough to permanently irreversibly kill a headmate.

Now, in the tulpa community, there's what's called "dissipation" which was a concept created when the tulpa community was new, and it was commonly believed that you could ignore a tulpa for a few weeks or months, "starving them of energy" and they would slowly die never to be able to return again.

It's a horrible practice... and also one that doesn't seem to produce the results people thought it did, with many tulpamancers who had dissipated their tulpas being able to reconnect with them later.

Turns out, most of the so-called dissipations were just forced dormancies. Horrible forced dormancies because the host usually thought they were killing their tulpas, and the tulpas likely believed the same. But they weren't actual irreversible deaths.

I do think... there may be ways for headmates to actually permanently die. I fear brain damage... or when we're older, developing a neurodegenerative disease that could start eroding the very neurons that make up who we are. That's a terrifying thought to me.

so, system wide a bunch of shit has happened, a lot of the old crew has fused/gone dormant/is gone, including Quinn, Thea, Violet, Nigel, Cuatra, and prolly some others idk

there are a bunch of new ppl, including our new host (i think) Ethan?? or smth honestly idk, we're trying to just like vibe and live life and thinking about did/being a system has kinda been put on the back burner, meaning that most of us are all kinda blendy and shit? idk bro everything is confusing and thinking about it makes us dicociate and maybe we're not a system? it feels so much easier to just live life as once person, whose name isn't our birth name and isnt quinn and isnt ethan, (idk what it is but none of those feel right). Also, as you may have noticed a couple of us started hyperfixating/obsessing on taylor swift and so i've been doing "swiftie rehab" (i mean obsessing litteraly it was not/is not healthy) and now that its goin away life feels meaningless and just jesus fuck no one cares

i want to be a system, i want to feel how i used to but now nothing feels real and i just keep feeling like one person, a person who wants to be involved with their irl friends, and wants to be able to listen to music besides stuff by taylor swift, and wants to find a name that works and stick to it, and find a gender that works and stick to it

i love myself, i love who i am, and sometimes, I don't feel like this. sometimes i feel like a little autistic boy like i wasn't alowed to bewhen i was little, who stims and likes trains and can cry. but maybe that isn't me

~~~okay sorry for all the word vomit but im having an epiphany~~~

i am who i just talked about. that is me. i am trying to find a name. i love watching youtube videos about language evolution and geopolitics. i have a love/hate relationship with competitive swimming, i'm exicted for this wednesday and everything after that. i like hanging out with A***a, Ar****s, V*****e, N***n, and probably A*e, G****a, H*****, N** etc. I dont really care how i look gender-wise, or im happy with how i look now. that is who i am

there are other people who i know who are not me

okay so anyway, that was kinda for me, basicaly to translate im gonna try and not be so fucking controling over the other people i share this body with. they can do their own things and i'll try to leave control and trust them.

tl:dr: im back maybe probably, my pronouns are he/they, and i dont have a name