We’re going to take my Aunt, for an example.

My Aunt (a 5w4) - she helped raise me. My Mother was a hot mess when I was a child, so my Aunt had to step in and… y’know… kinda mother me. I told her a few times that she is like a mother to me. I have so many good (and bad) memories with her.

About six years after my 8th birthday, I met a beautiful person. She was my neighbor, the mother of my neighbor’s children (2 boys, one I had a crush on at some point in my adolescence). I won’t say her name online. This is a small story anyway. My neighbor!! Lovely, extraordinary, crafty and home-making goodness, beautiful neighbor. I was starstruck that she was interested in getting to know my family better. She is an angel.

So.. I can see where this becomes painful for my Type 5w4 Aunt. I do, it’s just.. I’m just being me, and I’m going to make more friends and meet new people! (I’m only 14 at the time). — My Aunt got upset and jealous that I found my Neighbor to be a lot like a Mom to me too. Why can’t I have more than one Mom? {I have other needs that aren’t being met, and all women to me are different, each one being unique. I’ve always been drawn to women for nurturing and sweet care.}

My Aunt forever hates my Neighbor.

It’s sad, really. I know this to be true, even 20 years later, because I brought up my neighbor’s name to my Aunt one evening while we were having a good time together at the casino; and my Aunt blew up. She was harsh with her objection, and completely rejects the thought of my Neighbor having to do anything with my real-Mom’s life*

[*My mother suffers from Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome - And my Aunt never visits her anyway. My Neighbor has been paying visits to my Mother in a living-facility and even the mere thought of it, outrages my Aunt.

I’m not going to confess to her, “Yeah, well, it does happen. (Neighbor visits my Mom.)” I mean—- Nobody else really does. So what gives?]

Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me disappointed.

Anyway———— That is just ONE of the many examples I have in my life where people just get fucking weird around me and they end up getting butt-hurt over me befriending others. Too many have gotten close to me.

So if I’m understanding this correctly as a 9… We can become selfish people for our desires (our peace). And I reallyyyy wanted my peace this evening.

I felt anger too.

My husband (1w9) and I were at our neighbors house for a 4th of July BBQ. Since yesterday I wasn’t really feeling up to it, and neither was my husband, but we made a commitment and were still going.

Today is the 4th. Had a pleasant day driving around town in our old hot-rod, sipping on caffeine. And then we relaxed at home. This gave me a bit of a boost to be social, but not entirely.

I spent a bit of time in the bathroom, feeling pretty putting on my make up and stuff. I played my ‘hot girl’ music to really get me in a party/confident mood.

My husband attempted to make a dish to bring over to the neighbors and it didn’t turn out well. At all.

The Type 1 beat himself up over it. We debated on even going to the party anymore, because he thinks it’s worse to show up to someone’s home empty handed than it is to come at all. I convinced him that no one would be bothered if we did not have food with us. I’m sure there will be plenty (and there was).

My neighbors are very good, wholesome, people. They don’t drink, don’t smoke, and we believe they might be Mormon. We like them a lot. I like them too. My husband has been over there more recently than I have and it’s sweet because the neighbors often ask where am I too? But I stay indoors, at home, enjoying my bed, and my phone scrolling (which is bad), and just being alone.

So we’re finally at the neighbors. There was talk among my husband and I where we thought we’d tell them we have other plans/BBQs to go to (we don’t), something to give us a nice early exit. But we don’t end up going that route.

An hour and 45 minutes pass and my husband thinks we should stay for at least 10-30 more minutes. Fine, I can deal with that.

It wasn’t until maybe another 50 minutes later.. I can feel myself getting angry.

I think he knew it too. But I didn’t want to fuss or make a scene. So I pushed it down and held it in. I can be very patient and wait. I just hope it’s not much later before we actually go home. My tailbone hurts from sitting in the same spot the whole time (oh, and for the Hornevian Triad, 9s are in the withdrawn stance. So naturally.. I was quiet, to myself, hoping to blend into the background (which wasn’t entirely a thing because people still sat and ate with us and talked. We all sat in a big circle on the patio which was nice because it gave room for anyone that did want to talk, the floor.)). And I was just fed up with being/existing at the party.

I wanted to be home. To be at peace. ALONE. To myself. In 👏🏻 the 👏🏻 comfort 👏🏻 of 👏🏻 my 👏🏻 HOME.

The other families at the BBQ ask if we’ll be joining them on a small trip down the road for fireworks. I really don’t want to do that.

My husband was having pleasantries with our neighbors. He was enjoying his time, and he was interested in going to the fireworks show.

It is to my dismay that since I don’t want to go, he won’t go without me. I find it sad. I encourage him he can do things without me being there, but he decided to stay home too. For me.

So we say our goodbyes to the neighbors and go home (finally, I am so thankful and so bitter at the same time). My husband is so sweet and listens to me but still chooses not to leave the house once he took his belt off.

I actually cried a little bit because I felt lame, and like a very boring person to be with (even though it was also the party that was boring me to tears with chatter), and that I do nothing at home but like to stick to my usual routines and comfort. I realize this but I’m not changing my mind to do anything about it or leave the house. And that pains me because I feel like my wants/needs/even fears, strip, and take away a meaningful/fun life my husband can have. He wants to socialize. And I don’t.

I’ve never had a 9 as a friend. Okay wait, that’s a lie (I’ve known a male 9w8 for 18-19 years…) but I’ve never had a girl 9 as a good friend, before.

Hmmmmmmm.

Fi users have a delayed emotional reaction and cannot process things in real time. Fi needs to go inside itself to do those things, but often, life is passing too fast to allow that and when they can't be alone, and people are staring at them or waiting for a reaction, their solution is to default into their Enneagram coping mechanisms to balance it out.

For you as a 9, that is “don’t react / don’t cause conflict, let it blow over,” followed up later with self-annoyance that you kept the peace instead of standing up for a belief. For a 6, it’s “let’s deflect from my discomfort or question this, because I disagree and want to keep my friends / say nothing controversial that could bite me later.”

Unlike a Fe, you can’t process your feelings on the spot and express them instantly. It’s easier to shut down, let the moment pass, and don’t fight about it. Low Te has a sense of “if I could not be argued out of my convictions, you can’t either” and high Fi has an inner conviction that “you and I should be allowed to think what we want, provided we don’t force that on one another,” that may counter arguing about it with “it’s futile / not going to work, anyway.”

It’s likely none of your True Deep Convictions have been triggered yet in a way that makes you unable to remain silent. That day WILL come, but 99% of what ‘bothers’ Fi is not a hill worth dying on for a 9 core. You will save that fight for when it is fully “worth it.”

No, it does not mean you are mistyped. It means you have a dominant introverted function that needs time to weigh the emotional consequences of standing up for yourself or something else against the physical, emotional, and social costs it will require (9).

Inferior Te also can't immediately articulate their convictions or come up with an argument on the spot that is more in-depth than “I hate that,” which can make an IFP feel self-conscious (low Te problems) and hesitant about getting into a fight.

cannibal virus (see what happens when 2 gluttonous fools suddenly become cannibals overnight!)