#9w1

I don't get, why is this some kind of deep behavior or not?

I bought a mini cake for my mother.

I gave it to her. Simple as that. She thanked me and wished me well. My grandfather got the first half, cause my mother respects the elder. Cool. That's good. I don't blame her. After all, he is her father.

Then...a kid. I don't hate her or dislike her. It was just... I was so tired and didn't sleep. My shift ended at 9 AM. Although, I had to stay awake for cake delivery.

That little girl is my cousin's daughter. She is like .. under four years old? Yeah, I don't really remember her age. It doesn't matter.

She sliced some for a girl. Cool. That's fine as well. I don't mind that. Then

She wrapped some left for me. Nah, mother. I was just joking about wanting to take a bite. Yes, surely I did take a bite. One coffee spoon. Then I returned the whole box to her.

Mother, I may not be connected to you spiritually and deeply. Somehow, I still love you as a daughter (even not so lovely dovey)

You need to stop sacrificing shit for people. I know, you love bags and shopping. I paid for you. It belongs to you. You are supposed to take a look at yourself.

This is why I'm not the same as you.

Yes, I do sacrificed my soul for deep shit.

Don't mind me. My whole life is another time for telling.

I don’t feel as close to Margarita anymore and that’s really sad because it meant it was a short lived friendship.

Margarita spends 40 hours a week in Alice’s presence now.

I knew it would be natural for her to drift away from me.

A small part of me wished Margarita stayed loyal only to me, but the harmony in my heart calls elsewhere. It calls for people to be friends.

I’ve always wanted Alice and Margarita to be friends. I was friends with Alice first and for several years. Margarita was my new friend. That is why I wanted Alice to be at the winery with us to get to know Margarita.

Now they get to know each other fully.

When I also say that I wish Margarita stayed loyal to me, I wanted things to be mutually sound with how I felt about Alice and my friend-breakup. At first, Margarita shouted, “Alice is a bitch!” when I was glum one moment. And then Alice… the 1w9… puts a humanitarian/political sticker on the bumper of her car, and suddenly it’s, “I like Alice, she’s cool 🙂.”

I’d respond back with a nod. 🙂‍↕️ Alice has always been awesome. ‘Uh, DUH!’ I say in my head, ‘This is what I’ve been trying to tell you!’ but sweet Margarita… she was being loyal then. It’s just, again… it wasn’t harmonious, and sound, equal.

That was one thing that always struck me a bit odd about Margarita. She was so damn fast to thinking and judging to the extremes about a person, before even getting to know them!

[sigh]

{Perhaps she gets this way with Disintegration to Type 1 🤔}

Anyway. Margarita.

I feel like I should be doing something for my fitness right now, and I feel inspired to do so, but it’s already late and it’s really smoky outside.

What am I currently addicted to?: [ 🎶 I’m a dick-! I’m addicted to you! 🎶 --Ahem, sorry, little Millennial reference there.]

No but seriously, I’m addicted to: -Sugar -Social Media -Energy Drinks (but that probably ties in with sugar) -My bed (ROFL such a Type 9…) -And NOT the Enneagram… Obsessed. 🧘🏻‍♀️

Like, I want to post on my socials for likes. {that's not a good thing} I don’t need a lot. Just a few. But one thing is for certain, if I post something and it ends up being cringe? Delete! But if it gets 1 Like. JUST ONE LIKE!…. Then I’ll keep it up. I mean- someone likes it, right? That should be good enough.

But sometimes it’s not.

Recently, I have added my supervisor from work on socials. 

I know. I know. I probably shouldn’t have done that.

I’ve known her for 3 years now, and her profile has always been suggested to me to add as a friend, so I thought, “Fuck it.” And clicked the friend request button.

I know what you’re thinking. Now I need to censor myself. I already got that protected (duh!). I filter through certain family members and coworkers, lumped into the same purgatory where they don’t get to see my stuff all the time, my choice. (There are some major cringe relatives…) Every once in a while I will let all my Friends/Followers see what I post. But it’s rare. And even rarer to go completely public 🫣.

Anyway, so I added my supervisor and she accepted the friend request. I don’t know why but I want her to see how cool I can be? Like, she already knows I’m kind {she once stepped into my cubicle to radiate in my sunshiny persona while she was flustered about something at work. It was an energy pick-me-up. She needed joy.} But I want her to see a bit more into like..., how I think, and what I may find that’s cool or beautiful, I want her to like me. Even more than she already does.

We’re… mutuals (realistically). Alice joined our department first, therefore had training first with my supervisor. I came in several months later, and the women had already formed some small friendship. {She even gifted Alice a book for her birthday!} I think my supervisor mostly likes me by association.. but I believe she finds me to be someone that can be... more. A good person. 

In May, she gave me a card when I was on vacation. It was a little thing my work was doing, “Write out a ‘kudos card’ with candy!” For your coworkers. I came back from my vacation to find it on my desk with a small written note on the back. (From: *my supervisor's name*.)

The card is simple. Even generic. But… it was the thought that meant the most to me.

She didn’t have to give me a card. But she did… Why?………

I think she finds me wholesome and a decent person, I guess. Sometimes I fear she thinks I’m stupid. {I have said stupid things, and I have done stupid things, all too often at work.} But she is kind to me. She could mistreat me, but she doesn’t.

The card’s message had something to do (kudos) with one's kindness.

Kindness.

She thinks I’m kind. That is good.

I want her to see me online that I am an ally, a friend, a mess-up for real, but that I am good.

We’re going to take my Aunt, for an example.

My Aunt (a 5w4) - she helped raise me. My Mother was a hot mess when I was a child, so my Aunt had to step in and… y’know… kinda mother me. I told her a few times that she is like a mother to me. I have so many good (and bad) memories with her.

About six years after my 8th birthday, I met a beautiful person. She was my neighbor, the mother of my neighbor’s children (2 boys, one I had a crush on at some point in my adolescence). I won’t say her name online. This is a small story anyway. My neighbor!! Lovely, extraordinary, crafty and home-making goodness, beautiful neighbor. I was starstruck that she was interested in getting to know my family better. She is an angel.

So.. I can see where this becomes painful for my Type 5w4 Aunt. I do, it’s just.. I’m just being me, and I’m going to make more friends and meet new people! (I’m only 14 at the time). — My Aunt got upset and jealous that I found my Neighbor to be a lot like a Mom to me too. Why can’t I have more than one Mom? {I have other needs that aren’t being met, and all women to me are different, each one being unique. I’ve always been drawn to women for nurturing and sweet care.}

My Aunt forever hates my Neighbor.

It’s sad, really. I know this to be true, even 20 years later, because I brought up my neighbor’s name to my Aunt one evening while we were having a good time together at the casino; and my Aunt blew up. She was harsh with her objection, and completely rejects the thought of my Neighbor having to do anything with my real-Mom’s life*

[*My mother suffers from Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome - And my Aunt never visits her anyway. My Neighbor has been paying visits to my Mother in a living-facility and even the mere thought of it, outrages my Aunt.

I’m not going to confess to her, “Yeah, well, it does happen. (Neighbor visits my Mom.)” I mean—- Nobody else really does. So what gives?]

Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me disappointed.

Anyway———— That is just ONE of the many examples I have in my life where people just get fucking weird around me and they end up getting butt-hurt over me befriending others. Too many have gotten close to me.

So if I’m understanding this correctly as a 9… We can become selfish people for our desires (our peace). And I reallyyyy wanted my peace this evening.

I felt anger too.

My husband (1w9) and I were at our neighbors house for a 4th of July BBQ. Since yesterday I wasn’t really feeling up to it, and neither was my husband, but we made a commitment and were still going.

Today is the 4th. Had a pleasant day driving around town in our old hot-rod, sipping on caffeine. And then we relaxed at home. This gave me a bit of a boost to be social, but not entirely.

I spent a bit of time in the bathroom, feeling pretty putting on my make up and stuff. I played my ‘hot girl’ music to really get me in a party/confident mood.

My husband attempted to make a dish to bring over to the neighbors and it didn’t turn out well. At all.

The Type 1 beat himself up over it. We debated on even going to the party anymore, because he thinks it’s worse to show up to someone’s home empty handed than it is to come at all. I convinced him that no one would be bothered if we did not have food with us. I’m sure there will be plenty (and there was).

My neighbors are very good, wholesome, people. They don’t drink, don’t smoke, and we believe they might be Mormon. We like them a lot. I like them too. My husband has been over there more recently than I have and it’s sweet because the neighbors often ask where am I too? But I stay indoors, at home, enjoying my bed, and my phone scrolling (which is bad), and just being alone.

So we’re finally at the neighbors. There was talk among my husband and I where we thought we’d tell them we have other plans/BBQs to go to (we don’t), something to give us a nice early exit. But we don’t end up going that route.

An hour and 45 minutes pass and my husband thinks we should stay for at least 10-30 more minutes. Fine, I can deal with that.

It wasn’t until maybe another 50 minutes later.. I can feel myself getting angry.

I think he knew it too. But I didn’t want to fuss or make a scene. So I pushed it down and held it in. I can be very patient and wait. I just hope it’s not much later before we actually go home. My tailbone hurts from sitting in the same spot the whole time (oh, and for the Hornevian Triad, 9s are in the withdrawn stance. So naturally.. I was quiet, to myself, hoping to blend into the background (which wasn’t entirely a thing because people still sat and ate with us and talked. We all sat in a big circle on the patio which was nice because it gave room for anyone that did want to talk, the floor.)). And I was just fed up with being/existing at the party.

I wanted to be home. To be at peace. ALONE. To myself. In 👏🏻 the 👏🏻 comfort 👏🏻 of 👏🏻 my 👏🏻 HOME.

The other families at the BBQ ask if we’ll be joining them on a small trip down the road for fireworks. I really don’t want to do that.

My husband was having pleasantries with our neighbors. He was enjoying his time, and he was interested in going to the fireworks show.

It is to my dismay that since I don’t want to go, he won’t go without me. I find it sad. I encourage him he can do things without me being there, but he decided to stay home too. For me.

So we say our goodbyes to the neighbors and go home (finally, I am so thankful and so bitter at the same time). My husband is so sweet and listens to me but still chooses not to leave the house once he took his belt off.

I actually cried a little bit because I felt lame, and like a very boring person to be with (even though it was also the party that was boring me to tears with chatter), and that I do nothing at home but like to stick to my usual routines and comfort. I realize this but I’m not changing my mind to do anything about it or leave the house. And that pains me because I feel like my wants/needs/even fears, strip, and take away a meaningful/fun life my husband can have. He wants to socialize. And I don’t.

I’ve never had a 9 as a friend. Okay wait, that’s a lie (I’ve known a male 9w8 for 18-19 years…) but I’ve never had a girl 9 as a good friend, before.

Hmmmmmmm.