mx. nihil

so my heart searches for a person, someone who will magically open their arms for me, someone who will stroke my hair and tell me that they're proud of me, someone who will hold my hand and show me where to go, what to do,

but the truth is there is no such person. there never was

im alone. completely alone. i've always been alone, always dreamed of the warmth of someone's arms

but i know i'll never get it. i know it doesnt exist. and yet, and yet, i'm so hungry, so hungry that my senses have gone completely numb, they no longer function properly

so i lay down here. not feeling anything. i cry but i don't feel sad. i don't feel shame or anger. i felt it all so much for so long that i no longer notice it's there. it shapes my whole being.

i know my voice is one of many who will never be heard, never be known, never be understood. but i'll be here for a bit. i'll walk on the same earth and breathe in the same air as you do, even if they may differ in quality, we belong to the same planet

my being will be buried and forgotten, just like all those beings years and years ago who have hurt their youth, who in return hurt their own youth, a cycle of abuse and neglect that continues until the end of the earth