"Im straight" "Im gay" Okay?? My father called me Nikola?? And then I killed him?? So I thought I rather deserved to have his second name too?? Which makes me Nikola Orsinov?? Pleased to meet you at last????

I would take a job pushing the Sisyphus rock if it paid 20 an hour and I could wear my headphones

everyone post your biggest hear me outs my friend just showed me two conventionally attractive white men in a row i need to teach him what a real hear me out is

'here's a real hear me out' >>posts world's most conventionally attractive piece of machinery

"rocky would hate stratt because she hurt his bestie" plausible, even likely. "rocky wouldn't hate stratt because he understands the stakes of needing to save the actual world" nuanced, intellectually stimulating. "stratt would hate rocky because her ex wife whom she killed is happier with him" intriguing, avant-garde.

#7 billion fucking people on earth weren't enough but you'll die for the alien. sure. no yeah. sure.

tumblr-style performance art

got fired from being the entertainer at a bachelor party for twisting the groom-to-be's dick into a poodle shape

sorry about not replying I think I’ve gone missing

friend who went to bed is a type of dead wife

To the tumblr user who I just blocked, I hope you at least know (if you're not a bot, which I suspect you might be) that 'can I get your mom's linkedin' is, like, a generational innovation in negging

has anyone figured out how to turn off the thing where you love your pet so much it slides inexorably into grief-borrowing

“For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious.”

sometimes you trap a male false black widow under a cup in the middle of the night because he was roaming around on your ceiling looking for female spider pheromones and then his harmless dumb ass fell straight onto your bed so you had to contain him because you were tired and wanted to sleep. and sometimes that spider is no longer in that cup the next morning. as haunting as it is his determination is honestly kinda inspiring. chase your dreams little man hope you get spider laid

never take for granted the moments when you’re not nauseous

[citation not needed. no prablem]

used to think it terribly silly (and kinda funny) when fantasy or sci-fi stories would have people refer to major recent historical events as The Flood or The Incident or The Revolution, and im sure historians fucking hate that because it's not helpful or descriptive, but we sure do be calling it The Pandemic