Sleeping poorly is so embarrassing... sorry im grumpy I stayed up past my bedtime. Like a toddler

Fool me once I kill myself on the spot

i love writing out numbers and then putting them in parentheses like "one (1)" even when i dont need to i think its funny

i just bought a toyota speck for $0.003

I need my weird alone time or I will explode

Your heart is not true enough to enter the gates of Margaritaville

My heart was heavier than the feather; I am sentenced to Rainforest Cafe

a pit of dread forms in your stomach as you parse my "evil baby on board" decal and realize you have a moral duty to rear end my vehicle as hard as you can

CANNIBALS

“global birth rates are declining”…… yeah and so are the reblog rates on tumblr.com too, so what now

asked one of my coworkers how she's doing today and she goes "could be better, could be worse," and another coworker nearby who was eavesdropping chimes in with "could be a lil bit o' alligator curse!" i have no idea what he meant by that but i do know that it has been immediately added to the lexicon.

rebecca black was right. It’s Friday