Scared of Ducks

It’s a full-contact sport on ice. Two teams of 6 (1 goalie, 3 forwards, 2 defensemen) face off on a rink and try to get pucks in the net. Critical to get pucks on net, we gotta get pucks on net. 

Hockey is played in 3 periods of 20 minutes but! They stop for commercials (real. they skate around in circles waiting for the commercials in the broadcast to be over). Also, the clock stops whenever play stops, so a game can take upwards of 2.5 hours. In the regular season, if a game is a draw at the end of regulation they play a 5 minute overtime of 3 vs 3. Once a goal is scored the game ends immediately. If no one scores, there’s a shootout where teams take penalty shots until someone wins. Unlike football fans, hockey fans hate the shootout and think it’s stupid.

There are 82 games per team in the regular season and then playoffs. In my experience, this means there is always hockey and you can never escape. The 2025 hockey playoffs ended June 17. June!! Even in Edmonton the snow has all melted. 

Actually playing hockey is fun. Watching hockey is a bit like watching fish at the aquarium, they are swimming back and forth very smooth on their skates and then every once in a while big steam goes off to let you know they scored. Some people say they can see the puck and they are fucking liars. 

(Amber note: it is incredibly obvious oiler #25 has the puck in this screenshot, just sayin. Phnelt counterpoint: yeah it's obvious in a PICTURE)

Types of players:

Forwards: forwards go forward with the puck and try to score

Defensemen: defensemen stay behind and stop the opposing team’s forwards from scoring. That said, defenders play very far up in comparison to other sports and might be expected to score, if that's the case they play both ways and are called a two way defender (trying to resist making a bisexual joke rn)

Goalies: goalies stay near the net and stop pucks from entering it. Goalies are strange and peculiar creatures, you have to be to willingly take a job where players shoot vulcanized rubber at your head at 100 miles an hour. They can also go into the full splits to stop a puck from going through their five hole (space between their legs).

Shifts and lines:

While the game takes place in 3 20 minute periods each player only plays ~45 seconds at a time. This is called a ‘shift.’ Shifts are taken with a skaters linemates (lineys). Players can decide their shift is over at any time by basically leaving the ice. Once they leave the ice the next shift hops over the boards and play continues.

This is different to most other sports where substitutions are organised and can lead to the best penalty that exists in any sport: too many men. Sometimes they just get excited and then there are Too Many Men.

Snoop Dogg explains line changes with visuals of how that works here: Hockey 101 with Snoop Dogg | Ep 5: Line Changes 

For my money, if you’re writing a fic about hockey players putting in lines and line changes is the most important thing to give it a realism feeling. Also! The bond between linemates. Those are each other’s guys. They have to move like a multi-bodied single organism, sensing where each other are, passing puck to stick, positioning themselves correctly, and celebrating together. 

Organising lines: The forwards are organised into 4 lines of 3 players each. The best forwards are on the first line and then less good as you go on. Each line of forwards consists of a centre and a left- and right-winger (the joke writes itself - aren’t they all right-wingers).

There are 6 defensemen organized into three pairs. Again the first pair is the best and the 3rd pair is the worst.

Skill Players v Goons:

This is not a thing so much in hockey anymore because it’s kind of a waste of space on a team to have a guy who is just a brute but there is still a rough distinction between star players and guys who are more ‘physical’ aka violent. In hockey, a goon is the guy who comes out to rough up an opposing player or fight them. 

We don't do that anymore.

But doesn't mean that some players aren't huge dicks on the ice.

An example of a modern player who is known for his reputation is Brad Marchand. He’s notable for having aggressively licked opposing players on multiple occasions. Let’s also remember these guys are sweaty and have disgusting facial hair and he licked them. 

(stil can't believe he did this)

Wait, there’s fighting? Boy is there ever.

Fighting in hockey:

Hockey is a full-contact sport but in addition to that players can literally fight each other.

Fighting is a mini-game inside of a hockey match that can be triggered in the event of a transgression against a team member. It’s important to note that fighting isn’t spontaneous and can’t be done whenever. There must be a clear insult or infraction that is visible to an outside observer and that can trigger a fight.

Example scenario: The Oilers star forward Connor McDavid (also known as McJesus) attempts to score against the objectively evil Florida Panthers. When he is skating around the net to get into position, an evil Panther comes up behind him and pushes him into the boards. Next shift, a defenseman approaches the offending Panther, drops his gloves, grabs his jersey, and punches him in the face. Opposing members of the team match up and hold onto each other while the fight goes on.

Let’s break that down:

skills player interfered with

pushed from behind! only push when they can see it coming so they don’t get really hurt

designated fighter on the team squares up against the transgressor

fight is 1:1

gloves are dropped to indicate intention to fight. The other guy can decline to fight but that’s a huge blow to his honour so it never happens

grab the jersey - this is critical because of Newton’s second law. Punch a guy while wearing skates and you will sort of glide away so you gotta grip on

Opposing team members match up so no one ends up in a pile on. Fights must never be uneven numbers

Beatings continue until morale improves. There’s no hard and fast rule for how long a fight can go on for but eventually the ref will break it up and the fighters get a penalty but crucially keep their honour which matters more.

Other no nos that can lead to fights are hitting younger players (rookies), hitting someone in the head or hitting a goalie. Sometimes notable fighters will fight on special occasions like their 1000th game or if they’re playing against another notable fighter. 

Yes, this sport is toxic masculinity on ice.

Penalties and the Sin Bin

To explain penalties it first helps to explain what IS allowed. It’s allowed to push a player out of your way. It’s allowed to get close to the goalie and make contact with them (though that might get you fought) (it also might be goalie interference but no one knows what that is). It’s okay to push someone into the boards. It’s okay to skate behind the net.

What ISN’T okay is anything that is considered too dangerous and anything that prevents play or unbalances the game.

Minor penalties (2 mins in the box) (these are what they sound like. Well. they aren’t. Because they sound like street crimes. But imagine them on ice)

tripping

hooking: wrapping your stick around someone so they can’t skate where they want to go

holding

high sticking: hitting someone in the face with your stick

slashing: hitting someone not in the face with your stick

cross-checking: holding your stick with both hands and shoving someone with it

interference: messing with a player who doesn’t have the puck. As pundit Steve Dangle notes, that would include kissing an opposing team player. No rules against kissing teammates. 

Major Penalties (5 mins in the box)

boarding: pushing someone into the boards from behind

checking from behind

fighting

minor penalties can become major if the ref feels it was particularly egregious. what makes something egregious? no one knows

If a penalty causes a player to bleed, it becomes 4 minutes 

Non-violent penalties:

too many men: too many misters not enough sisters

delay of game: when a player doesn’t want to get scored on so he shoots the puck into the stands

Penalties are punished with a trip to the penalty box aka sin bin. Go in there and think about what you’ve done.

There’s no limit to how many players can be in the penalty box.

When players are in the box play continues and that’s called a ‘power play’ because the other team now has more players on the ice. The team with a player in the box is on the ‘penalty kill.’

A power play is over when the team that’s up a player scores and when that happens the guy in the box is allowed out.

Non penalties that are also against the rules:

icing: thwacking the puck to the other side of the rink. Puck must be accompanied by a player. Icing is allowed for a team that is on the penalty kill

offside: when a forward crosses into the offensive zone ahead of the puck. To prevent this forwards try to cross the blue line together so they’ll like charge forward and then wait until they can go forward as a unit

high stick (not to be confused with with high sticking): hitting the puck with your stick above your shoulders like a baseball bat

hand pass: throwing the puck to your teammate

Playoffs

The entire purpose of the regular season is to get enough points from winning to get to the playoffs. Nothing from the regular season matters aside from that and uh, sometimes you can tell when a team is saving themself after getting enough or when they’ve collapsed into a puddle of demoralisation.

Playoffs are run geographically and in a series of best of 7. We’re not going to get into the details of this aside from that. Just know that it’s not single elimination, each playoff matchup is best of 7 so they have to play each other at least four times.

Players drop a ton of weight during the playoffs due to the intensity. They become gaunt husks of their former selves with terrible facial hair. Glory isn't glamorous.

The winner of the playoffs wins the Stanley Cup, the highest honour in hockeydom.

It’s traditional to put your baby in the cup.

The Draft

A very good hockey player will eventually be able to have some control over what team they play for. But not when they start. Unlike some sports where talent is scouted and then signed, hockey uses a common North American framework known as the draft.

To be drafted a player must be between 18-21 if North American and 18-22 if European. Then the teams enter the draft lottery and the worst team of the previous year gets to pick first.

It’s prestigious to be picked first in the draft because that means that the player’s junior career was really strong, but it does mean they are going to a bad team. That can be terrible if it’s a team that sucks and continues to suck (Sabres) and can be okay if it’s a team that is only sucking temporarily, possibly because they’ve tanked on purpose to try and get a really good junior player, or because they are currently building back up to being strong.

Fun Details For Writers:

hockey terminology. Hockey is a subculture with a lot of terminology. Some highlights include chirping (insults), flow (long hair that flutters enticingly), pigeon (common chirp for a guy who doesn’t do much), bucket (helmet), tarp off (shirt off), beauty (slang for good. everything is beauty. that beer’s a beaut. that goals a beauty), celly (celebration)

Playoff beards. Players always grow terrible facial hair during the playoffs and their masculinity is judged by how well they grow it

Billeting, junior tournaments, international tournaments, and the all-stars game: there are many ways that players who are not on the same team might end up playing together or living together. Junior players live at the houses of hockey families, and often rookies will also live for a year or two with an older player. Players also might be playing for their country which can be an opportunity to shove your homoerotic yearning but cruelly separated guys into the same space. Same with the all-star game

Dump truck ass. Because players spend their entire lives in a half squat they have cake for days. Buying pants is a well-documented challenge

and that's part 1! If you have questions about the actual rules, direct those to Amber. If you've got questions about how to opportunities for homoeroticism, you can come to me!

Other intro guides: hockey for newbies | Penalties | Goalies | Shots | The Draft | Herr Dr Professor Brofisting's Visual Guide