Hug now, escape later @ineptshieldmaid - Tumblr Blog | Tumlook
Hug now, escape later
@ineptshieldmaid
Think of this as my scrap book. Emphasis on the scrap. Recurring themes are gender, sexuality, relationships, and shiny things. Occasionally goes into full fangirl mode.
Update: still goes full fangirl mode, no longer girl. Pron: they/them.
Hello frens. No idea how many if any of my erstwhile moots are still here.
I am back because I need more of the gay hockey show gifs in my life.
Got a whole new career, gender, name, etc, but the username can stay. It’s mine, I chose it for a reason, it’s as much my name as the one on my paperwork.
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I’ve seen multiple “Best Death Personification” brackets on this website, and every time the Discworld fandom turns up en masse to vote for Discworld Death, and it’s always deserved, and it’s always funny. A horde of book nerds rising up in defence of their collective grandfather.
Hi baby. I'm alone with my mind, and I've been craving... silly fight and makeup sex. Could you share your talented and lovely thoughts? Love you lots
hello my darling, i miss you. i have actually got a thought for this inspired by something @ineptshieldmaid sent me. this lil comic of foxes is so cute. i discussed with inept about it either being shane having a quiet day and being in a bit of a sensitive/overwhelmed mood -- to sound to touch to being perceived or existing generally etc -- or ilya having a depression day and being distant so as to not 'bother shane'. also this is when they're newly married and newly together all the time so them having quiet shut down days is new and unfamiliar to them as a couple. i think i will use ilya having a depression day as the inspo.
the day starts off on the wrong foot. shane wakes up alone when usually he wakes with ilya wrapped around him, suctioned to him like a clingy octopus, limbs tangled with his, face burried either in shane's pecs or his armpit or his neck. he's used to waking up warm -- maybe a little overheated -- and slightly numb in one of his limbs. an arm that's fallen asleep, a foot that has pins and needles. instead he wakes up this morning alone and cold. the bed is an enormous iceberg, a stretching tundra of cold and empty empty empty. ilya had been off last night too. he hadn't responded to shane's 'advances' and by 'advances' that meant shane's subtle hints that he wanted his brains fucked out without him explicitly stating "i want my brains fucked out". their usual game of shane telling ilya without telling ilya that he wanted ilya to 'bully' him into doing something filthy and use him however he wanted. ilya was an expert on reading shane's signals. he hadn't missed them -- well shane didn't think he had. but otherwise he would have responded to them, right? unless ilya was tired of that game... shane had gotten in his head a little about it but had let it go -- well tried to -- as they'd crawled into bed together. but that hadn't gone like normal either. ilya rolling over immediately after shutting off his light without even a peck on the mouth. ilya wrapping his arms around himself and promptly falling asleep -- or pretending to be asleep -- as shane stared dumbfounded at his back and the constellation of moles dotting his skin. shane had huffed -- a little pissy -- and rolled over to his side of the bed. if ilya ignored him then fine. it was fine.
he had been hoping he'd wake up like normal though, despite all that. and they would be resetting in the light of day. apparently that had been wishful thinking.
shane finds that ilya's gone, with anya, presumably for a walk, when he gets downstairs. fine, all good. maybe ilya was feeling restless or agitated this close to their first game as a married couple of the season. shane certainly was. preseason training had gone well and the showcase matches hadn't been too... difficult... but there had been some weird commentary and questions. they were both still learning how to deal with all that -- the media, the opinions, the new brand of chirping that now involved people knowing actual personal information about them both which no one ever knew before. wild really that they'd been chirped during exhibition matches. whatever.
when ilya comes back he mumbles "morning" and disappears upstairs for a shower without kissing shane. that irritates him. but he occupies himself with feeding anya and giving her some pets whilst he waits for the egg fritata to cook in the oven. when ilya rumbles back downstairs, still quiet and faraway looking, shane frowns but offers him food anyway. ilya doesn't want to eat. he disappears into the basement to work out and shane just sits by himself at the kitchen island, increasingly feeling queasy. at first he was pissed -- okay and maybe he is still a lil pissed -- but now he is starting to feel a little worried.
he knows ilya has depression. maybe he's having a bad day. ilya's had a few bad days over the last few months since going on the antidepressants. usually he spent those days in bed. unwilling to get up let alone exercise and take anya out. though he wouldn't eat on those days either. or shower. but he hadn't ignored shane those times -- those two times shane was privy to ilya's depressive episode as it happened in real time -- and he'd let shane sit with him and help him shower later that night when he'd been unwilling to get up himself. so maybe it's not the depression. he is up and working out and playing with anya and he comes back from the gym and ignores the fritata and eats a massive bowl of cereal instead.
so the evidence in shane's mind all leads to one conclussion: ilya is withdrawing from him. maybe being married and together all the time is draining to ilya. shane knows it is definitely a lot more than the snatched hours and days from before. shane also knows that he is more when around 24/7. he is a lot. he's not insecure about himself but he knows he can be a lot. he is particular about certain things in the home -- about his diet and how the cupboards are organised and grocery shopping and routines like when to work out when to shower when to sleep etc -- and he's less easygoing now than when they saw each other just occassionally and it didn't matter as much to break his perfectly curated routines for a few hours just to enjoy more of ilya. maybe his particularities are just a bit much for ilya to live with full time. he knows some of ilya's particularities have been... maybe a little irritating since he'd moved into the ottawa place. they were adjusting to living together. it wasn't smooth sailing. but he was adjusting as best he could to accomodate ilya and compromise and he was trying to not be bothered by the things that ilya did that were less than ideal... but he didn't think he'd been any more irritating that ilya had been at times. how could ilya be mad at him? irritated with him? weren't they meant to be married and wasn't this part of married?
so the day goes on with them at different corners of the house. shane avoids ilya because he doesn't want to irritate him further and ilya doesn't seek him out. which usually he does. it's weird not to be interrupted in the gym or in the kitchen or in the bathroom. weird to be alone, no arms snaking around his waist and gripping at him when he's busy doing something else. weird weird weird.
by the time they are going to bed shane is huffing and craving needing crumbling wanting to be touched. it is hurting. physically hurting to not be touched for so long.
when he gets into the bedroom ilya is already in bed, laying on his side with his lamp turned off. shane crawls under the covers and sits against the headboard and crosses his arms over his chest and sighs loudly.
"i don't know why you're mad at me by the way," shane says. "so if you could enlighten me that would be great."
and ilya is rolling over, looking up at shane with big eyes, blue eyes looking almost black in the low lamplight coming from shane's side of the bed. "i'm not mad--i thought you were mad." he is saying and shane is blinking, completely lost.
"what? me?" he points at himself. "you're the one that's been ignoring me since last night!"
"i haven't been ignoring you," ilya protests.
"you haven't kissed me all day!" shane is whisper-shouting. somehow shouting-shouting would seem wrong in the quiet of their bedroom this late at night.
"you didn't kiss me either!" ilya points out, also whisper-shouting and shane throws up his arms, pissed off and confused and lost. "and you were so distant all day!"
"i was trying to give you space! i thought i was irritating you or something!" shane says and this time it is almost a shout-shout.
they stare at one another in the low light for a moment, silent. and then suddenly ilya is bursting into laughter and sitting up to fling his arms around shane's neck. kissing kissing kissing the side of shane's face, smiling into his cheek, nuzzling his nose into his temple.
"i had a bad brain day" ilya explains, quietly, and shane deflates, wrapping his arms around ilya in return.
"you aren't sick of living with me?" shane asks and ilya laughs again.
"what? no!" he replies. "i mean you are a little annoying sometimes" -- at the shane whack ilya's chest -- "but i love you and all your annoying habits. even the thing you do where you copy everything i say and don't realise you're doing it."
"i don't do that," shane grumbles.
"you do. and i love you."
"okay, so you're having a bad day? anything i can do to help?" shane asks, now petting at ilya's curls, kissing over his hairline.
"i was trying to keep it to myself, i'm sorry, instead i made you worried," ilya sighs "i'm sorry."
"don't keep it to yourself..." shane trails off "or if you do just tell me you want to be alone bc you're having a bad brain day. i love you though. and i don't need you to hide away from me."
"okei," ilya is mumbling and then they're kissing, kissing kissing. making up for the whole day of not kissing. making up for last night of not kissing, of missing out on touch touch touching.
they kiss until shane is whining and pulling ilya closer and wrapping his legs around him and rolling over onto him until they're rocking together gasping moaning sighing as they take each other apart :D
they don't really use pet names when they're around other people but their teammates learn very quickly that there is ilya (positive) and ilya (negative) and rozanov (fuck yeah that was fucking gorgeous) and rozanov (if you do not shut the fuck up immediately i swear to fucking god) and shane (adoring) and shane (sad) and hollander (that's how you fucking do it!) and hollander (sit your fucking ass down or we will have a problem) and these distinctions are way more important to keep track of than the five times a month hollander calls cap "baby" and cap's face goes all sappy
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My definitive ranking of my least favorite bodies of water! These are ranked from least to most scary (1/10 is okay, 10/10 gives me nightmares). I’m sorry this post is long, I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about this.
The Great Blue Hole, Belize
I’ve been here! I have snorkeled over this thing! It is terrifying! The water around the hole is so shallow you can’t even swim over the coral without bumping it, and then there’s a little slope down, and then it just fucking drops off into the abyss! When you’re over the hole the water temperature drops like 10 degrees and it’s midnight blue even when you’re right by the surface. Anyway. The Great Blue Hole is a massive underwater cave, and its roughly 410 feet deep. Overall, it’s a relatively safe area to swim. It’s a popular tourist attraction and recreational divers can even go down and explore some of the caves. People do die at the Blue Hole, but it is generally from a lack of diving experience rather than anything sinister going on down in the depths. My rating for this one is 1/10 because I’ve been here and although it’s kinda freaky it’s really not that bad.
Lake Baikal, Russia
When I want to give myself a scare I look at the depth diagram of this lake. It’s so deep because it’s not a regular lake, it’s a Rift Valley, A massive crack in the earth’s crust where the continental plates are pulling apart. It’s over 5,000 feet deep and contains one-fifth of all freshwater on Earth. Luckily, its not any more deadly than a normal lake. It just happens to be very, very, freakishly deep. My rating for this lake is a 2/10 because I really hate looking at the depth charts but just looking at the lake itself isn’t that scary.
Jacob’s Well, Texas
This “well” is actually the opening to an underwater cave system. It’s roughly 120 feet deep, surrounded by very shallow water. This area is safe to swim in, but diving into the well can be deadly. The cave system below has false exits and narrow passages, resulting in multiple divers getting trapped and dying. My rating is a 3/10, because although I hate seeing that drop into the abyss it’s a pretty safe place to swim as long as you don’t go down into the cave (which I sure as shit won’t).
The Devil’s Kettle, Minnesota
This is an area in the Brule River where half the river just disappears. It literally falls into a hole and is never seen again. Scientists have dropped in dye, ping pong balls, and other things to try and figure out where it goes, and the things they drop in never resurface. Rating is 4/10 because Sometimes I worry I’m going to fall into it.
Flathead Lake, Montana
Everyone has probably seen this picture accompanied by a description about how this lake is actually hundreds of feet deep but just looks shallow because the water is so clear. If that were the case, this would definitely rank higher, but that claim is mostly bull. Look at the shadow of the raft. If it were hundreds of feet deep, the shadow would look like a tiny speck. Flathead lake does get very deep, but the spot the picture was taken in is fairly shallow. You can’t see the bottom in the deep parts. However, having freakishly clear water means you can see exactly where the sandy bottom drops off into blackness, so this still ranks a 5/10.
The Lower Congo River, multiple countries
Most of the Congo is a pretty normal, if large, River. In the lower section of it, however, lurks a disturbing surprise: massive underwater canyons that plunge down to 720 feet. The fish that live down there resemble cave fish, having no color, no eyes, and special sensory organs to find their way in the dark. These canyons are so sheer that they create massive rapids, wild currents and vortexes that can very easily kill you if you fall in. A solid 6/10, would not go there.
Little Crater Lake, Oregon
On first glance this lake doesn’t look too scary. It ranks this high because I really don’t like the sheer drop off and how clear it is (because it shows you exactly how deep it goes). This lake is about 100 feet across and 45 feet deep, and I strongly feel that this is too deep for such a small lake. Also, the water is freezing, and if you fall into the lake your muscles will seize up and you’ll sink and drown. I don’t like that either. 7/10.
Grand Turk 7,000 ft drop off
No. 8/10. I hate it.
Gulf of Corryvreckan, Scotland
Due to a quirk in the sea floor, there is a permanent whirlpool here. This isn’t one of those things that looks scary but actually won’t hurt you, either. It absolutely will suck you down if you get too close. Scientists threw a mannequin with a depth gauge into it and when it was recovered the gauge showed it went down to over 600 feet. If you fall into this whirlpool you will die. 9/10 because this seems like something that should only be in movies.
The Bolton Strid, England
This looks like an adorable little creek in the English countryside but it’s not. Its really not. Statistically speaking, this is the most deadly body of water in the world. It has a 100% mortality rate. There is no recorded case of anyone falling into this river and coming out alive. This is because, a little ways upstream, this isn’t a cute little creek. It’s the River Wharfe, a river approximately 30 feet wide. This river is forced through a tiny crack in the earth, essentially turning it on its side. Now, instead of being 30 feet wide and 6 feet deep, it’s 6 feet wide and 30 feet deep (estimated, because no one actually knows how deep the Strid is). The currents are deadly fast. The banks are extremely undercut and the river has created caves, tunnels and holes for things (like bodies) to get trapped in. The innocent appearance of the Strid makes this place a death trap, because people assume it’s only knee-deep and step in to never be seen again. I hate this river. I have nightmares about it. I will never go to England just because I don’t want to be in the same country as this people-swallowing stream. 10/10, I live in constant fear of this place.
Honorable mention: The Quarry, Pennsylvania
I don’t know if that’s it’s actual name. This lake gets an honorable mention not because it’s particularly deep or dangerous, but it’s where I almost drowned during a scuba diving accident.
Edit: I’ve looked up the name of the quarry, it’s called Crusty’s Quarry and is privately owned and only used for training purposes, not recreational diving.
Presented unto the internet at large but also specifically to @hollanovscuckchair, because the original plotbunny was presented unto them and so were a couple of the "I am afflicted with Long Preface Syndrome" ideas:
Win in Overtime (5287 words) by ineptshieldmaid
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov
Characters: Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov
Additional Tags: Dildos, first season post sE106, for some reason the dildo in question isn't Shane Hollander's Famous Dildo, Yearning, also shit-talking, slight exhibitionism in a car, Premature Ejaculation, actually i object to that tag b/c it's perfectly normal reasonable going off earlier than the other party given the circumstances, but that is the tag ppl use to look for that so well here it is, by people i include myself
Summary:
Ilya knows Shane has a dildo. At this point, he’s even seen it on video calls: Shane had felt ridiculous the first time, reaching around at awkward angles to fuck himself in front of the webcam; he was sure Ilya couldn’t even see it properly, but Ilya had talked to him meanwhile, filthy inventive things about what he’d do to Shane if he were there, and fuck that had been good. Not as good as having Ilya, of course, but so much better than alone.
Actually Shane’s probably used the toy more times, on an average times per season basis, since he and Ilya left the cottage, than he ever has before.
[…]
What hasn’t happened, though, is Shane actually getting the toy out when Ilya is with him. Ilya had asked about it, when they were together at Shane’s cottage, but Shane hadn’t taken it with him.
---
I reserve the right to revisit the core concept with the OG Shane Dildo if I can find the right point in my spiderweb of Concepts currently known as the "Bisexual Menace" arc. Two cakes? Maybe three cakes? Or a weird web of cake-influence and confidence-building? (In the gap between YOI and HR fandom I did some simple but important in the context cake baking and decorating; this could be a load-bearing metaphor.)
It has come to my attention that some of you have never seen what I firmly believe to be the greatest music video of all time: Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart. It is the perfect marriage of a galactically bombastic power ballad and a writhing mass of 1980s video clichés, thrown into the path of a wind machine and blasted down a moodily lit corridor into the realm of legend.
In case you’re wondering what the heck they were thinking of when they made it, I remember Bonnie once explaining on TV that it’s about the dreams of a headmaster’s daughter, hence all the boys in (and out of) uniform. In retrospect, the whole shebang is quite fascinatingly female gaze-y, and I’m pretty sure it was a major formative influence on my pubescent imagination.
And yes, there is also a very amusing literal version, but for my money, the original is definitely the most hilarious…
Even wilder: the song was originally meant for some kind of 80’s vampire rock musical. Sources: 1 and 2
Steinman told Playbill in a 2002 interview that he wrote “Total Eclipse of the Heart” as a vampire love story. He said its original title was “Vampires in Love.”
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Bisexual impostor may sound like a meme (or possibly a band name), but I swear some days I really do catch myself thinking "what if I'm straight and don't know it and I really did just suck all that cock for clout?"
You need to understand that when I was a kid, "bisexual men are really just straight dudes pretending to be queer for clout" was genuinely a mainstream opinion in gay and lesbian spaces. A formative experience doesn't need to make any damn sense to leave a mark!
That absolutely sucks (dick) and I’m sorry to hear/read it! I hope things are better in this aspect now. But in their minds, why would a straight man want clout in queer spaces anyway? To like…maybe dominate another culture? Invading the gay spaces? What was the thought process there?
I believe the assumption was that bi men would earn social clout with straight because it was Politically Correct to include/recognise LBTQ people and bi men could access that without necessarily sucking any dicks.
There might also be something gay man specific to do with how cis bi men were (are?) conflated with the “straight acting” gay men who are specifically attractive to a subset of gay men.
And there was definitely something conflating bi men with “metrosexual” that assumed bi men would get extra clout on the heterosexual dating market because perceived queerness might make them less threatening to women (which managed to exist ALONGSIDE a general straight normative assumption that bi men were Really Just Gay And Lying).
When you say "Shakespearean" you mean everybody dies at the end. When I say "Shakespearean" I mean interrupting the lead-in to the climactic scene to burn five solid minutes doing a 4/10 bit where two characters argue about the definition of a word.
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Old school readers from my livejournal days may recall that I have an ongoing grudge against Magnolia Bakery for crimes against midwesterners (long story involving the phrase "We didn't realize people in Chicago were so attached to menus") and I'm cackling like a supervillain this morning over their health inspection issues.
It's a saying in Chicago that high health inspection scores are a great way to tell who is paying bribes to health inspectors, but I'm still just a little gleeful.
