Not to hijack a shitpost but I was inspired, so I wrote up a big huge long guide to writing drinking and drunkenness for the writer who doesn’t drink. Credentials: I get drunk a hell of a fuck of a lot of the time. Disclaimer that all of what I say is anecdotal and not scientific, to not take medical advice from this, and a lot of the cultural aspects of drinking are going to be USAcentric, since that’s where im from. It’s long as hell so im putting it under the cut.
A. Types of alcoholic beverages and what drinking them is like
0. What does alcohol taste like?
You know that chemical smell that hat sometimes has a taste in your mouth that you get while smelling dry erase markers, nail polish remover, or hand sanitizer? That’s what pure alcohol tastes like! Pretty much all alcoholic beverages taste like they smell, so if you’re willing to be a freak, sniff a friend who drink’s drink for help on describing flavor.
I should state that every individual brand of beer, wine, and liquor has brands that are prestigious and brands that are hot garbage. If you’re having trouble figuring out which is which, try asking around at your drinker friends, or go to the liquor store and check out what brands are cheaper and what brands are more expensive. Generally, things are layed out least to most expensive, with “bottom shelf” brands being absolute garbage and “top shelf” brands being luxury items.
Beer, as well as other can offerings such as ciders or white claws, are about 5% abv (alcohol by volume). This translates to very little alcohol in it overall, which is why the serving size is a whole ass can/pint glass/glass you’d use for a nonalcoholic beverage. This also makes for easier drinking, because the alcohol isn’t as prominent so you can’t taste it as much. Beer is the primary drink of masculine men or otherwise masc people drinking for reasons other than getting drunk, and of plenty of people drinking to get drunk as well. It is high in calories and quite filling, hence the pop culture connotation of the “beer belly” (though any amount of binge drinking will cause weight gain if the drinker is still having three meals a day on top of it all; beer is just the most calories per serving out of everything else.) Lager and ale are two seperate kinds of beer. I’m not a beer guy so I don’t know the difference between them. Beer tastes first and foremost fizzy, and second has a very subtle sweetness to it, and third off Tastes Like Beer. You know how beer tastes, right? You’ve at least smelled a beer in your life? Your friend’s drunk dad probably smelled like beer. It tastes like that.
Wine is stronger than beer, averaging out at about 12.5% abv. This is why wine is served in wine glasses, which serve considerably less than beer glasses of all kinds. There are four main types of wine: red wine, white wine, rosé, and mead. Red wine is the most common wine; some unusual properties of it are that it is usually “dry” (although it is a liquid, it dries out your mouth! It’s really freaky) and it also has a deeply bitter compound (tannins) that only a fraction of the population can taste, much like cilantro. That fraction of the population generally hates red wine. White wine is a lot like red wine but usually no dryness and no tannins. Champagne is a white wine. I’ve never had rosé wine, but my understanding is it’s between red and white. Mead is fermented from things other than grapes, usually honey. It is incredibly sweet, to the point it usually drowns out the alcohol, and is too much for some people. Wine is usually the go to drink of feminine women and other femme by nature people drinking for reasons other than getting drunk, although plenty of people also drink it to get drunk as well. Mead is a common fantasy drink. Red wine conveys sophistication in pop culture. There is a whole culture of wine tasting and wine snobbery that I know very little about.
There are many cocktails out there. It is generally very hard to calculate amounts of abv for these beverages because it’s a mix of multiple liquors with multiple nonalcoholic drinks usually. Cocktails are generally seen as feminine, although there are exceptions (im pretty sure ordering most whiskey based cocktails are seen as masc in the eyes of cishet society but I might be wrong). Common cocktails include the margarita (tequila, triple sec, and lime juice), the martini (gin, vermouth, and an olive for garnish), popular hangover remedy the Bloody Mary (vodka, tomato juice, a bunch of other bullshit for garnish but usually at least a celery stalk), and simple mixed drinks such as the screwdriver (vodka and orange juice) and …rum and coke (rum and coca-cola). I don’t have as much about cocktails since I very rarely drink them but you can get super fancy and sophosticated with them and bartenders love making them.
First off, YOU USUALLY CANNOT CHUG LIQUOR!!‼︎ it’s usually anything between 20% and 50% abv, with the average at 40%, and that’s a LOT of alcohol. So it burns and is hard to chug properly! Second off, though there are some liquors that come in slightly bigger glasses that you sip and savor, such as the whiskey tumbler or the sake glass, the standard delivery method for straight liquor is a shot glass, roughly 1.5 ounces or one swallow of drink. You throw back a shot like you take pills. The five main liquors you find at liquor stores in the United States are vodka, gin, whiskey, rum, and tequila. There are stronger liquors, such as absinthe and Everclear (which can get all the way up to, say, 80-90% abv), but those are not sold everywhere. Vodka doesn’t taste like anything, just pure alcohol, although it is often found in flavored varieties that taste like artificial flavors. Gin tastes like you crossed alcohol with a pine tree air freshener. I’ve never had rum or tequila straight and the last time I had whiskey straight was a billion years ago so I can’t speak to those. Tequila sometimes adversely affects people in ways normal liquor doesn’t, ie makes them sadder or gives them more energy or something. I’ve heard old wives tales that this is because tequila has caffeine in it, but I’ve also heard old wives tales that that’s bullshit. Who is to say??⁇ liqueur is liquor that is very weak by liquor standards (about 20% abv), but is very rarely drunk straight and is usually a cocktail or recipe ingredient. The difference between liquor and beer/wine is that beer and wine are fermented, while liquor is distilled. Also important to note is that liquor is often measured in “proofs”, which is the abv x 2. For instance, a 30% abv liquor will be 60 proof, a 40% abv liquor will be 80 proof, etc. 100 proof liquor, or 50% abv, is very strong and the highest proof you’re guaranteed to find at any bum fuck liquor store whatever.
Initial disclaimer that this is all super unscientific and vibes based. Theres some data on this with official numbers but I have not consulted them for this this.
This is basically when you can feel you’re not 100% sober but you’re also not intoxicated by any definition of the word. You feel a warmth inside of you and a mild pleasant mood, if you don’t drink often. If you do drink often it might be less happiness and euphoria and more “god I needed this”. I would not call the feeling “buzzing” and would rather describe it as “beginning to melt”, but I didn’t name slang, now did I?
This is about when effects of being drunk start popping up, but if you absolutely have to, you can fake sober. More social daringness, like being a ham at karaoke or telling a crush they love them, but also enough of a cap on their emotions to not get outright annoying and avoid sharing dark secrets (although what counts as a dark secret and what is just a bit embarrassing might be blurred). For people who get flushed faces while drinking, the flush kicks in now. This is considered “having a bit too much” in polite society, but at bars and clubs and parties is nothing.
Oh, it is near impossible to fake sober without someone telling something’s up. You can’t go to the liquor store to buy anything anymore; they’ll deny service for safety’s sake. Your voice is loud and yelly, your enthusiasm crosses the line into boisterousness, you are certified annoying. Your grasp on “private feelings” is loosened. Your coordination is worse. Your singing is still hammy, but it might be so hammy it’s bad. If someone hits on you in this state they’re automatically scum.
This is about when the cliche physical effects of being drunk set in: slurred speech, not being able to walk in a straight line. You’re a mess at this point, and everyone can tell as you stagger towards them. No boundaries, a negative sense of shame, and the world is your oyster at a price. It is nearly impossible for you not to have a hangover the next morning if you’re this drunk, unless you are in your early twenties or younger. This is the point where, even at bars and parties, nobody will doubt “hey this person should probs stop now”.
About what it says on the tin. Your memories are now spotty at best, nonexistent at worst. “Brownouts” (little patches of memories amidst many minutes of void) are much more common than blackouts. If you have executive dysfunction and it’s something you’d trust a nine year old to do, this is the most ideal time to do chores you’ve been putting off. Executive function is an inhibition, and you’ve had all your inhibitions lifted!
Ⅵ. Deathly You-Might-Die drunk
This is about the limit. You will very acutely feel when you’re here. As a disclaimer being this drunk ends in death maybe 1% of the time; the other 99% you make a post on social media like “if I don’t post for a week im dead” and then pass out. Your speech and texts are incoherent word soup, you may not be able to stand, if you CAN move around its with great struggle and you likely need the support of another person to not wipe out. A bartender will not serve you if you’re brushing up against this drunk, however, at a party or drinking alone you’re in charge of your own destiny.
C. How much it takes someone to get to that point
Ⅰ. Standard with an estrogen based endocrine system
If you are someone with an estrogen based endocrine system (most cis women, post-E trans women, and pre T trans men), you don’t drink often, and you’re hovering around societally average weight, generally the way it goes is one drink will get you buzzed, two will get you tipsy, three will get you drunk, four will get you wasted, five will affect your memory, and six will get you so fucked up that you’re incoherent. Depending on drinking speed, eight or more is life-threatening. If it’s a standard drink, you shouldn’t give your character more than thirteen drinks if you want them to not pass out/live to see another day. If you have a character that goes on estrogen HRT, you can make them note how their tolerance has gone down.
Ⅱ. Standard with a testosterone based endocrine system
Having a testosterone based endocrine system (so most cis men, post-T trans men, and pre E trans women) and hovering around average weight gives you roughly one extra drink of tolerance compared to someone of similar measurements and drinking frequency with an estrogen based endocrine system. That means it takes about two drinks to be noticeably buzzed, three to become tipsy, four to become drunk, five to be wasted, six to start losing memory, and seven to become incoherent. Depending on drinking speed, things start becoming life threatening around drink nine or ten. Upper limit in this case is about fifteen or sixteen drinks before it’s like “oh they’re gonna die”. If you have a character that goes on testosterone HRT, you can make them note how their tolerance has gone up.
People who are lighter have lower alcohol tolerance, people who are heavier have higher. You might have an underweight character reach certain levels of drunk a drink or two early, or have an overweight character reach it a drink or two late.
Ⅳ. How tolerance effects it
If you get drunk many nights in a row, with only a day or two off, it’s going to be harder to get as drunk than before, as well as lower the amount of sheer joy you get from being drunk. I can’t speak for everyone, but as a general rule, this means moving between echelons of drunk with everything else in a vacuum takes two drinks instead of one. This stuff isn’t scientific, however, so take with a grain of salt.
One drink usually starts to wear off within twenty minutes, and if you only have one drink you’ll usually be completely sober within an hour. Because of this, five drinks in three hours is a wildly different story than five drinks in forty-five minutes, and you’ll be able to add a drink or two to get drunk over long periods of time, and subtract a drink or two over astoundingly short periods of time (for what it’s worth, most normal drinkers average out to one drink every fifteen to thirty minutes, with the absolute peak sustained only shortly being three drinks in ten minutes, since going faster than that risks nausea and vomiting).
Ⅵ. Medication effecting it
If you take certain medications (antidepressants are a common one), your tolerance goes down, sometimes to a dangerous degree because you overestimate how much you can drink. But if you get drunk multiple days in a row this is completely counteracted! (Have I said that this isn’t medical advice yet and you shouldn’t take it as such yet? Extremely extremely true here. Listen to your doctors in real life, kids).
A character may naturally be a lightweight or be better suited at holding their liquor for natural human body variance reasons, and because of this you can knock a drink or two off what is normal for their range just to make things fun! This is largely random and doesn’t adhere to anything.
Ⅷ. How a 270 pound testosterone based endocrine system heavy drinker man gets drunk
Ok, so im a bighugelarge man who gets drunk super frequently, so im about the upper limit for characters before things start getting eyebrow raise-y. It usually, if im drinking at a normal pace, and taking into consideration that my drink of choice is 70 proof shots when standard drinks are 80 proof, takes me 3 drinks to get buzzed, 5 to get tipsy, 8 to get drunk, 12 to get wasted, 15 to start losing my memory wholesale, and 17 or 18 to get incoherent. 20 is when things start getting dangerous, and my all time record had me pass out at shot 24. This accounts for maybe 90% of a liter of vodka, for reference.
D. Drinking safety and who might ignore it
Generally speaking, common advice is you should be drinking at least one glass of water for every glass of beer and wine/shot of liquor, to avoid/lessen hangovers and to keep you from being the most dehydrated person on planet Earth. However, most people partying or drinking for fun don’t bother to do this. A wise, well-seasoned drinker might force themselves into it, because anything for a better hangover, but most people are paying the price.
Drinking on an empty stomach will make you sick. Drinking on a full capacity stomach will also make you sick, especially if you had a caloric drink beforehand, like milk or beer (liquor before beer, you’re in the clear…). However, the emptier your stomach, the more you feel the alcohol, which means health teachers want you drinking on a full stomach so you’re disillusioned, whereas seasoned alcoholics may fast four or five hours before starting to drink for best results/chances at happiness.
This is really hard to do. Most people in my experience have the sense to not do it, but teens and people who are more drunk than they realize may do it. It absolutely kills people, both drivers and others on the road, so glamorizing it is not recommended. But im not your mom.
Here’s the thing. You should not be making any major life choices while drunk, and because disease and/or pregnancy makes sex a major life choice, drunk people officially cannot consent in real life. However, in fanfic a simple “I wanted this sober so doing it drunk is fine” flies for the sake of porn. But let it be known: because your senses are dulled when you’re drunk, both drunk mastirbation and drunk sex suck way more than doing it sober
E. Misc things about being drunk
Like mentioned in the previous bullet point, all your senses are dulled. Many people self medicate because it helps pain be more bearable, or because they’re autistic and are pretty much always going through sensory overload sober. Most notable of this is sense of taste, which is why nasty liquor is easy to choke down while wasted, and why Taco Bell tastes fucking gourmet: your senses are dulled and your expectations/taste in all things are underground.
Your vision may get worse when you’re drunk, or it might stay the same. You may be dizzy when doing pretty much anything. And of course there’s the issue of coordination and such.
Getting any amount drunk WILL make you feel sick to your stomach, and no matter how badly you want to get as drunk as possible as fast as possible, you will likely find yourself taking breaks of ten-fifteen minutes at some point for nausea’s sake. Sometimes, if you’re drunk enough, throwing up is inevitable, and it sucks but you feel better afterwards. Eat some crackers afterwards if you can, and continue onwards.
You generally feel so much happier and joyous, and hate yourself far less. your issues seem easier to fix. It doesn’t straight up get rid of negative emotions, but it makes them more simple. Complex grief turns to just Sad, frustrations at the world and all its stressors turn to just Angry. Fear and anxiety are nearly always eliminated. The way I’d liken being drunk and thinking is your brain feels like a pat of butter in a pan slowly melting. There are subsets of people who have depression that just gets worse when they drink, and for those people they should not be drinking ever.
Ⅴ. Important caveat on drunk typing
If you have autocorrect on, you will not be making a billion typos! The truly wasted may have glaring spelling mistakes, but as a general rule everyone with crazy amounts of typos while drunk is either faking it or milking it because they think it’s funny. In my experience, the much more likely result of typing drunk is a lot of question marks, exclamation points, or emoticons/emojis in a row.
If you are hungover, you will hate yourself. You will feel immense shame, and if you did something regrettable drunk and/or are of a culture where drinking is banned or you were trying to be sober, you will also feel guilt. “Stupid dumb drunk idiot” is a common refrain in my mind. “I’ll never drink again, this sucks so bad” is another common thought for some, but it’s rarely true. Humans are weak and we forget consequences easily. I can’t think of anyone who got sober because of a really bad hangover. Change-your-life rock bottom is usually different than that.
Most hangover symptoms come in three categories: common, weird, and gastrointestinal. Common symptoms include headaches and light sensitivity, along with malaise (the ill feeling you get when you have a fever or covid or something). Weird symptoms include vertigo and muscle pain. Gastrointestinal symptoms include diarrhea and vomiting.
Hangovers usually last until about 11 am or noon if the person drank during the evening/night, unless the person drank significantly more than usual, as when relapsing after being sober for many months or when getting so drunk that their lives were in danger, in which case the hangover can last for up to twenty-four hours. Also, sometimes in a very rare while, you can lose the hangover lottery and not have your hangover go away until 3-4 pm.
IV. Situations in which someone is and is not likely to get hungover
Drinking water can either prevent hangovers or make hangovers less bad. People in their twenties usually are hangover-free if they drink less than they did the previous night, and more prone to them if they drink more than they did the previous night. Propensity towards hangovers increases with age, so an underage drinker may only rarely get a hangover, whereas someone in their fifties may get a really nasty one if they ever have multiple drinks, no matter what.
There are no scientific cures for a hangover. However, some folk remedies include hair of the dog (drinking more to cure it), cold showers, and greasy breakfasts (famous choices are breakfast sandwiches, brunch offerings with lots of eggs and meat, and hot dogs/brats). The first of these does not make me feel better, just takes away the shame, but the second and third ones I swear by. They don’t cure it, but damn if they don’t feel good.
Ok that’s it, good luck out there
