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Find me Elsewhere;

Toyhouse - link

Deviantart - link

Furaffinity - link

Wishlist & Donations

Kofi - link

Throne - link

( please let me know if you get me anything if comfortable doing so - so I can personally thank you and model it for you if that tickles your fancy 😘 )

Yes I am a real person, read this post if you're considering messaging me asking me to verify that.

The thing is sometimes when I'm staring off into the distance it's just me enjoying thinking about things but often it's also the trauma and associated emotions. Some people can tell when it's the latter but when they ask if I'm ok I always just say yes because there's too much to possibly put into words concisely it is such a complex and consuming sort of hurting. The words don't ever come out right anyways I can barely get them out at all speaking it out loud brings it into existence again in a way that makes me feel like a frightened and injured animal - and I am really - but with the additional torture and curse of self awareness.

The only response that works is something physical then, but I'm very particular about my personal space I'm particular about the people who touch me and I always have been. That's why it's best when it's one familiar safe kind of person and that usually means a romantic partner - or it has meant that for me in the past.

But I'm not in a state for that anymore I'm not the same. It's very hard to trust people and it's hard to open up and I crave the familiarity of people who don't want me anymore or only want me in a limited capacity - friendship is ok, sex is ok but the line is drawn by them when it comes to a relationship. On one hand I understand but I know this kind of thing can't last forever the way it is currently.

I just keep wishing they would decide they wanted to keep me - I don't think they ever will but it will haunt me for the rest of my life. And who am I kidding? Being so hungry for someone you'll settle for any little morsel though nothing will ever satisfy your appetite to have every last bit of them for yourself.

It's no wonder why it's so maddening to crave them and not have them when you remember every bit of them so vividly. And yet I've felt like that about the three people I've loved in my life (and I mean love in the sense of romantic love in this context). The first I've let go of as time has passed - it was in highschool. The second was my husband and I loved him in a way that was unhealthy I gave him all of my heart and you can't ever do that or you'll lose a part of yourself - I did.