Ramblings from the Dork.

so i used something called infinite jukebox to cut out every other beat of this song and

well

here ya go

if I *SLAM*, well I nonna be, wanna be who geks to you. if I heh, ay I nonna be,  wanna be who’s into you.

but hwn wive head manna ood wive hun, must’ve done mcwhaff an’ puff aodood.

when I’m wock, yes I nonna be,  nunna be who’s wock for you. an’ na mungeh, well then fuck I do, I subley plin to you.

an’ I clankahoe I nunna be, unna be who coal to you. if I brokhe, well I nonna be, unna be who’s cold with you.

but wood wive hen manna hood wive hun, musta dub mcwhaff an’ *bloop* muff aonouds

nahnahnah, dahdahdah, nahnahnah, dahdahdah, dladadadadadadadah nahnah*bloop*nah, dahdahdah nahnahnah, dahdahdah,  dladadadadadadadah (hoh!)

when I’m luh’, well I nunna be,  onna be who’s without you. when I’m drmp, well I nunna dream, unna drink a pint with you.

AAH KWENG! well I nonna be, ‘nna be new good with you. an’ I cluddag! yes I nonna be,  ‘nna be who cob with you, gonna avish coooomb wi’ you.

but ood wive hung manna *bloop* ood wive hem yes the *bloop* dung man whaff an’ luff aonood

dahdahdah, dahdahdah, nahnahnah, dahdahdah, dladadadadadadadah (ayy) dlahdahdah, dahdahdah, dahnahnah, nahnahnah, dladadadadadadadah

dahdahdah, dahdahdah, dahdahdah, dahnahnah, dladadadadadadadah (eh) nahnahnah, dahdahdah, nahnahnah, dahdahdah, dladadadadadadadah

WHAT’D I SAY??? WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY? I CALLED IT.

Context: Me and my group were outside a fortress after being conscripted into the army due to magic usage for my character, and illegal immigrants for the rest of the group. We were sent out to fight werewolves but had no silver weapons. When the werewolf appears it’s already bleeding with a sword sticking out of it. Sword drops and Paladin decides to throw it to me

Paladin: I’m gonna throw this at the bard, maybe he can get a lucky shot in.

DM: Roll to throw. Overhand or underhand?

Paladin: Overhand like I’m trying to stab him in the head with it. *rolls nat 20*

DM: Alright Alan. Roll to catch

Me: Well shit. No way I’m saving this. *Rolls nat 20*

DM: Ok. What the fuck you two. The sword goes spinning through the air directly at Alan’s head. Alan catches it gracefully and spins around for an attack. Roll

Me: *rolls 7*

DM: *losing it* The attack whiffs so hard you spin in another circle and almost fall over.

LATER ON in the same game. Werewolf is almost dead, rogue is on the ground bleeding out, paladin is backed into a corner, and our archer is been in the top of a tree with no line of sight

DM: Alan, it’s your turn.

Me: I’d like to cast vicious Mockery. *rolls 18*

DM: And the words you’d like to attack him with?

Me: “YOU’RE NOTHING BUT AN OVER DEVELOPED CUMSHOT”

DM: Roll a d4 for psychic damage

Me: *rolls 4*

So long before jesus was born someone was like

Christians couldn’t get people to stop celebrating their solstice feast days, so they replaced the ‘rebirth of the sun’ celebrations with a ‘birth of the son’ celebration. Literally all they did was tweak existing mythology and relabel old traditions. 

*There is some speculation on why this was so easily accepted. One reason being that for reasons not quite known the date was already associated with Jesus’s birth. In the second century Hippolytus wrote in passing that Jesus’s birthday was on December 25th and I think this gets largely ignored because it doesn’t fit with the currently popular historical narrative. That said humans have long had traditions of combining/appropriating regional holidays as populations move into and out of areas and we have ALWAYS had a mid winter holiday for reasons.

tl;dr: The most readily identified secular Christmas observations/symbols/etc aren’t Christian at all, so it’s not remotely odd to me that Christmas is celebrated by nonchristians. It’s odder to me that nonchristians get all riled up when those secular symbols are attacked. (like holiday reindeer cups, etc)

ALSO BECAUSE I’M NOT DONE

Christmas trees? Why the fuck do we drag a tree into our house and decorate it in the middle of winter? Because the evergreen is an ancient pagan symbol associated with immortality and rebirth, as it’s the only tree that is green in the dead of winter. Romans used fir branches to decorate their homes at Saturnalaia. Pagans in Europe used fir and holly branches to remind themselves that rebirth and growth would return, as even the coldest winter could not kill all the green growing things. It doesn’t have fuckall to do with Jesus, kids. 

Santa? The wise old man who rides a sleigh drawn by eight reindeer through the sky on Yule Night? Based on Odin, the Allfather of the Norse Gods, who rode his eight-legged steed Slepnir on a hunt through the sky on Yule night. Children would leave their boots out, filled with hay or root vegetables for Odin’s mount as an offering. If this pleased Odin, he would leave gifts in return, for all gifts must be returned in kind. 

Sound familiar?? (Right and the reindeer? A hugely important animal to most of the Northern European cultures where solstice celebrations originated. They also have ties to the Horned God, the god of the hunt, which associates them with Odin’s ride with the Wild Hunt on Yule Eve. Again, ain’t got shit-all to do with Jesus.) 

Christmas. 

Ain’t. 

Don’t get me started on St. Nic. 

Saint Nicolas (the Wonderworker) was a wealthy, 4th century Turkish saint (so the likelihood of that round white man with the white beard…yeah…pretty slim *snickers at pun*) with a reputation for secret gift giving, ie putting coins in shoes…which I wonder where that notion would have come from? I mean on the one hand, yes, previously existing traditions from others, but also, shoes are handy? and a place someone is likely to absolutely not miss a thing.

But really, THAT’S IT. He didn’t leave toys for children or build them or any such thing. What we have is just have a good ol’ case of FUSION going on wherein the Christians were super excited to have someone of their own who could take on the traits of a figure most likely already common in their time/geography. Because I’ma guess folks really didn’t want to give up this kind of fun.

It REALLY helped that St. Nic’s feast day was early December. 

The holiday took off during the Middle Ages in areas where anything pagan had better be rebranded as Christian or folks couldn’t keep it. St. Nic was handy, became Sinterklass and heck yes took a whole bunch from Odin cause you know…Odin needed a Christian face if he was going to continue spoiling kids with sweets. 

And St. Nick became associated with the earlier Odin myth BECAUSE he shared some features compatible with the Odin myth and was a suitable Christian figure to use to cover up the older, pagan roots of the tradition!

SANTA IS EITHER A TURKISH MAN OR THE POWERFUL KING OF A PAGAN PANTHEON TAKE YOUR PICK EITHER WAY YOUR JOLLY LITTLE WHITE SANTA IS A LIE.

AND THEN THE ELVES. FUCK ME THE ELVES. 

Tied inextricably to the myths of the ‘little people,’ and of course to the powerful Sidhe and the dwarves of Norse myth, who crafted wondrous gifts for the gods in their marvelous workshops.  

The Fair Folk were well known for punishing those who crossed them, and conversely richly rewarding those who pleased them. Or, in other words, “The Naughty and Nice.” 

This is why our tree is basically forest, fey, and mythological creatures because honestly the magic and wonder of the season is what I love the most.

Also, I sorta hate round fat jolly santa and I think we could have largely helped me get over that as a child if he had just ridden a beautiful giant grey horse.

NOW

My tree is all vintage glass ornaments that I’ve gotten from thrift shops because I love the sheer beauty of them and because I feel like my pagan ancestors would have also loved them. 

And OH FUCK YULE LOGS, traditionally cut from an oak tree, which has such deep rich symbolism in old pagan mythology that it’s worthy of a whole essay on its own, decorated with evergreen and holly for rebirth and immortality, and burned on the solstice to celebrate the return of light and warmth.

There’s an old, old rhyme for this; 

May the log burn, May the wheel turn, May evil spurn, May the Sun return.

And then of course the ashes were used as powerful protection and fertility charms. 

CHRISTIANITY CONTENT; 0.000000%. 

HOLY CRAP, OTHER PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT THAT MOVIE?! IT’S MY FAV FUCKING XMAS MOVIE AND WHEN I SHOW IT TO PEOPLE THEY’RE LIKE…WTF DID I JUST WATCH?!

CHRISTMAS IS A LIE - HAPPY YULE!! with all the “traditional Christmas” symbols like reindeer and evergreens and such because thats all Pagan symbolism anyway??

griffin to his goofy, lovable dad: do you want to lead a small beach community?

-ranch is not for salads, its for warmed up cereal + milk (it gives it that nice creamy flavor)

-you should eat your oatmeal raw in a cup with water and some paprika sauce for a nice kick

-pineapple mint broccoli pizza is good, but god tier with ketchup

-if you aren’t slathering your chocolate in tahini, who are you?

-skittles ketchup tacos are yummy….

1. mini banana moonpie ketchup and hard boiled eggs are my go to sandwich ingredients

2. sardines and ketchup and rice make a really nice snack

3. If you don’t have peanut butter or jelly for a pb&j, just use tahini and ketchup

4. Warm oatmeal and ranch is even better than cinnamon apple oatmeal