vals room

honestly my dream is to not be famous myself, but to be married to a famous person purely so i could go to events full of other famous people and pretend i’ve never heard of any of them. i would love to watch the look on leonardo di caprio’s face as i ask him what he does for a living and, when he incredulously tells me he’s an actor, take a sip of my drink and ask, “and how’s that working out for you?”

Its downright fascinating how I can negate almost every point people make abt Hazmat Motel just by pointing to The Good Place, a show with the same premise done by people who can actually write characters

Lol stay salty

I haven’t actually seen The Good Place but I get the feeling whoever wrote it doesn’t actually understand what Hell is if good people are there.

>didn’t read the basic synopsis of the show

there’s no way that’s real

@pakabear bro i can assure you absolutely every line in this compilation is fucking real and aired on a children’s television show

Yes I AM cranky because I received NO PROPHETIC DREAMS to help me on my quest.

trust me... you dont want em b

AND THAT IS THE TEA

THE WAY THEY ALL DO THAT SUCK IN A BREATH THROUGH THE TEETH AND UNFORTUNATE MMM SOUND THE WAY WE DO I’M DYING

a singular scuit. just one. 

an edible cracker with just one side. mathematically impossible and yet here I am monching on it.

when brittish colonists settled in the americas they no longer had to preserve biscuits for storage or sea voyages so instead baked them once and left them soft, often with buttermilk or whey to convert cheap staples/byproducts into filling items to bulk out the meal to make a small amount of greasy meat feed a whole family. considering hardtack biscuits were typically eaten by dipping them in grease or gravy untill they became soft enough to eat without breaking a tooth this was a pretty short leap of ‘just dont make them rock hard if im not baking for the army’ but didnt drop the name because its been used for centuries and people forgot its french for ‘twice baked’ back in the tudor era, biscuit was just a lump of cooked dough that wasnt leavened bread as far as they cared thus the buttermilk biscuit and the hardtack biscuit existed at the same time. ‘cookies’ then came to america via german and dutch immigrants as tiny cakes made with butter, sugar/molasses, and eggs before ‘tea biscuits’ as england knew them due to the new availability of cheap sugar- which is why ‘biscuit’ and ‘cookie’ are separate items in america but the same item in the UK the evolution of the biscuit has forks on its family tree

Today’s aesthetic: photos of lurking animals that one wouldn’t reasonably expect to be capable of lurking.

Proof needed

the difference between tumblr and twitter is that pretty much everyone on tumblr needs some kind of compassionate intervention in their lives, but at a low background level. Twitter has 99% normies succumbing to internet brainrot and 1% just the most outlandish personalities you’ve ever seen. 

your average tumblr personality is a shaking dog in a Sarah McLachlan appeal, with enough time and care they can be rehabilitated and placed in a loving home. your average big-time twitter account should be sent to a prison colony on the moon

how quickly we forget our past on this site…

#DO NOT CITE THE DEEP MAGIC TO ME WITCH#I WAS THERE WHEN IT WAS WRITTEN

“when needed”

In these trying times…

He held me, closely and gently as we lay together. His warmth felt real, and his voice took on the sound of love. I woke up, and it felt he was still there, even if he had never been.

*nods solemnly* Danny DeVito…

i have to be silly every day or my brain will start growing mold