monochrome candor

here's mickey, goofy, donald, and chip & dale. yeah they turned mickey & friends into anime boys. they're an idol unit or something. they're technically not anime boy versions of the source characters, they have different names. mickey's guy is "Neo Michel". not michael, michel, like he's french. chip & dale are "Ruska Moncrief" and "Ranka Monk", they have different last names, they're not brothers anymore so that they can be yaoibait instead, anyways this post isn't actually about these guys I'm just setting the stage for the actual humanizations I wanted to show you

They also did monsters inc. And. Well it's obvious from the designs who mike and sully are. but you will also notice. the blonde one on the left. with glasses. monsters inc is kind of famously about just the two guys so they didn't really have a lot of other non-villain characters to take anime boys inspiration from, I guess, so, well,

and now, after everything, this exchange of information suddenly weighs more, feels charged, feels dangerous in a different way. and it's shane asking this time. what room are you in? which really means: will you let me in? will you give yourself to me? enormous, electric moment. look at how it shows on their faces

unjustly suspended from his job

condemned by one of his best friends

condemned by his teammates

dissected by the media

threatened by the commissioner

accused of cheating at the sport he has dedicated his whole life to; and

raked over the coals for a true accident

he STILL goes to watch ilya play

without question or concern, he sits in the audience to watch ilya in round 2 alongside the team that just kicked him out of the playoffs and caused tripgate

he spends tlg in debilitating fear over the possibility of someone figuring them out and goes to such extreme lengths to keep that from happening that he doesn't even have a photograph to show for an 11-year relationship

but still, ilya mentions he can get tickets for shane and his parents to come see him play and shane doesn't spend a second worrying it may fuel rumours, bring unwanted attention to his relationship, put him in a generally uncomfortable position - he actually brightens at the suggestion and then happily sits in the audience to cheer ilya on 😭

Shane is mostly shown looking at his phone, I think the only shot we get of him watching tv (besides when he’s watching hockey - though I’ll get into that) is when he’s waiting for Ilya before their first hook-up, when he’s nervous. Whereas for Ilya, screens are an escape or a confrontation, I’d postulate that to Shane, they don’t symbolize the same thing (he does turn the TV off, since the distraction is not working for him). They are just as ambivalent for Shane, though in a different way; for him, they act as a mirror. They represent both his most private desires and his curated public image. A good example of that is when we see him reading comments about himself and rose after yet another failed attempt at intimacy with her, checking that the public image is still intact even though he is failing at actually playing the part in private. The only other time I can recall him looking at his phone (when not texting, but watching something) is when he watches Ilya’s interview in episode 1, which of course represents the hidden desire. Something we see from Shane a lot as well is typing out things he doesn’t actually send thereby voicing his deepest desires/wishes/concerns - “we’re about to play a game against each other, are you trying to fuck with me”, “we didn’t even kiss”. Not only that, we see him re-reading his and Ilya’s old chat multiple times - both in Sochi (waiting for a reply to the “are u okay?” text) and after messaging Rose in the locker room, when he scrolls down to Lily’s chat just to look at their old messages.

Another significant moment is of course Shane watching Ilya win the cup surrounded by his teammates. Here, we have two of his deepest desires wrapped up into one playing out in front of him - excelling at hockey and Ilya. Still, he can’t lose himself in the moment, all too aware of having to uphold the image, surrounded by his teammates (a good contrast to this is Ilya watching Shane win the cup, alone in a dark room again, during the ep 4 montage. We see him the second time with friends, though he’s more obviously playful and admitting to his desires - “it should have been me” rather than trying to suppress them. At the same time, Shane is slightly more earnest in his moment, saying Ilya is the best player and actually meaning it).

This of course all culminates in the big Scott&Kip kiss moment, which Shane & Ilya also witness through a screen. That this is the moment setting both of them free, is evident when you look at the way technology was used until then and after then. Whereas Shane used it to hide his true self as well as try (and fail) to admit to his deepest desires, Shane now witnesses someone’s carefully curated image be shattered in favor of allowing himself to live without fear and follow his heart. Meanwhile though for Ilya, screens showcased his loneliness and confronted him with everything he thought he couldn’t have, this is the moment actually making his deepest wish possible, motivating him to actually follow his heart as well (“I’m coming to the cottage”).

you are in the medieval era and you have this role!

June 2015

Shane returns to Montreal in a fugue state, his head a jumbled mess.

He turns off his phone as soon as he gets to the apartment (messages unchecked) and hops in the shower, determined to wash Vegas off of his skin. As he scrubs he practices his breathing techniques, trying and failing to center himself.

Ilya's words won't leave his mind, playing on an endless, echoing loop. It almost feels like a cruel trick Shane's brain is playing on itself, like it couldn't possibly be real.

Ilya couldn't really want him. Certainly not enough to sound as devastated as he did when Shane asked him to leave. That couldn't possibly be how it happened.

Except it is, and now Shane has to decide what to do about it.

If he hasn't already fucked everything up.

He sits down on the living room couch once he's done showering, clean sweats on, and thinks Okay. What's the play here?

Ilya likes him and wants to be with him. It sounds impossible but Shane has to believe it, because it's what Ilya told him straight out. Maybe he'll change his mind - maybe he already has - but for now Shane has to operate like it's true.

Ilya thinks Brian is bad for him. He thinks he makes Shane unhappy and Shane, reflecting on it for more than five seconds in the privacy of his own mind, can admit that he kind of has a point.

Things haven't been good with Brian for... a while. Shane tries to remember the last time he felt uncomplicatedly happy to see or hear from his boyfriend, and finds that he can't. Vegas wasn't anything unique but rather an escalation, the latest iteration of Brian ignoring Shane telling him what he wants and deciding he knows better.

He's always done that, hasn't he?

He also couldn't even be fucking bothered to congratulate Shane on winning MVP. A moment that he ruined with his shitty, attention-seeking behavior.

Shane pauses that train of thought, allowing the anger rising in his chest to ebb and flow away.

Maybe, he thinks charitably, this was all because Brian was feeling threatened. Clearly he had reason to be, even if Shane hadn't realized up until now. It's not just that Ilya likes Shane and wants to be with him, but Shane....

Shane wants...

He wants.

It's choking him, this want. Expanding in his chest, cracking his rib cage open, overwhelming and overflowing. It's as if simply acknowledging it has made it grow tenfold in size. How could this feeling exist inside him without him knowing?

Absurdly, Shane finds he's on the verge of tears. He blinks them away, embarrassed despite the lack of an audience.

He suddenly wishes he was still in Vegas, that he could run and find Ilya. Could tell him that he feels the same way, that he wants more, and then -

Well. Shane should probably break up with his boyfriend before he gets to the next part.

The thought sends a nauseating thrill down his spine.

He can't really be thinking about leaving Brian for another man, can he? Throwing away everything they've had in the past eight years, everything Shane has known since he was sixteen. He isn't even sure who he is without Brian.

But it's Ilya.

Shane picks up his phone. Swipes away the unread messages, heart hammering as he thumbs open his thread with Brian.