It's my cat's birthday (anniversary of me getting him) so I told him the story of his life while petting him real good
Highlights include:
For your first two years (when you were small) you lived in a foster home with people who raised you into a very polite young man. Two is like you plus me, that's what two is.
Some people adopted you before me and they called you Timmy (which is a stupid name) and they returned your ass almost immediately because you were so annoying at that age.
Like think about how annoying you are right now at seven years old, but way worse.
I'm better than them though, I don't call you Timmy and I wore earplugs to bed for three years because you love to scream at bedtime. Earplugs are like when I roll over and go back to sleep even when you are yelling so so so loud.
I got you at a time in my life when I was really sick (being sick is like when I'm up late because I'm throwing up and you are a very handsome good boy who sits with me) and they had to put me asleep for a procedure. A procedure is like what happened to you when they put you asleep and took your balls away.
Now you've lived with me for five years. Five is like the number of toe beans on one of your feet. When I clip your nails five is when we're halfway done. But we're hopefully not even halfway done with how long we get to be together. I'm gonna have to figure out new ways to help you count.
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if Shane died young (like in his forties/fifties), how do you think Ilya would deal?
he’s going through some master and margarita/dante’s inferno/koko-di koko-da shit. yes those are all thematically different pulls. basically i am never the right amount of high to fully write this fic and also i think i am maybe simply too american to really accurately hit this nail. or perhaps exactly american enough because this is based on my european experience as a 19 yr old idiot. you are now getting what's been in my notes app forever so like... sorry and you're welcome.
so there is a vision in my mind where shane dies who cares how anvil falls from sky and squashes him like bug. and ilya is like well, that was a good run, time to see myself out. but ilya decides he wants to see his mother’s grave one last time, and traveling to russia no longer concerns him because he doesn’t care at all what happens to him now anyways.
so he throws his phone away (so that nobody can track his location and try to talk him out of this) and then sets off. and what follows is like some insane hallucinatory journey where his plane gets grounded in iceland (“because of the volcano.” “what volcano?” “oh, you know how it goes…”) and then he has to take a boat to denmark and then a train to moscow but then there is a rail strike (“what rail strike?” “oh, you know how it goes…”) and he is trapped on a series of coaches.
somehow space is becoming unstuck, he is in germany on a coach for 30 minutes and suddenly at the next station everyone is speaking slovene. everywhere he stops, despite these all being landlocked locales, there's someone trying to get him to see the local seaside. in every station, the ticket master is an identical man who does not speak any language ilya speaks, and ilya keeps trying to get to moscow and getting sold other incomprehensible bus tickets. whenever he asks someone where he is, he gets a useless and vague answer, "oh we're here and there", "we're in the present moment", "we're in a bus station", etc.
seasons go wrong. everyone is celebrating some local martyr he's never heard of and children are running around in paper mache masks. it is night time and the sun just does not come up again. his seatmates include: a man with an accordion, a dour red-haired child in a sailor's outfit, an ancient old babushka carrying an inflatable sex doll, a businessman with a blue raspberry vape, a huge fat tabby cat who hisses and bites him if he tries to touch her.
eventually he's like well. okay. i guess time doesn't exist and space doesn't exist and i just am on this bus forever now. and finally the cat gets off the bus, and shane comes out of the tiny bus bathroom and sits back down next to him.
ilya: oh, there you are. took you a while.
shane: it's really gross in there.
ilya: well, yes. it's a bathroom on a coach.
shane: ugh. these seats suck. they never give you enough room for your legs.
ilya: put your knees up. you're good at that.
shane: ha ha.
a beat of quiet.
shane: i had the craziest dream. i can't really remember it. i think you were there, though.
ilya: mm, bad dream?
shane: no. at least, i don't think so.
ilya sighs.
ilya: are we getting close? i'm tired of the bus.
shane: i'm pretty sure you're getting off before me.
ilya: no. i am not. i will come with you.
shane: no, baby. you won't. i think your stop is coming up now.
ilya: wait, shane--
ilya wakes up. he's the only one left on the bus, which has stopped. the bus driver, who is apparently also the same identical man as all the stationmasters, is kicking his seat. he grumbles and scolds ilya in an unknown language. ilya gets off the bus. it's right before sunrise. he's at the seaside, at the beach which extends as far as the eye can see in each direction. ilya walks along the beach for a while, dawn getting closer. finally he stops. his mother's grave is here on the beach. he knows if he keeps walking further down, shane's grave will also be on this beach. and if he keeps walking further and further beyond that, his own grave too. but he'll spend eternity there one day. and he hasn't seen his mother in a very long time.
so he sits down on the sand next to her headstone and watches the sun come up.
#google translate does not capture the tone switch so i have to say. first two sentences are like. normal maybe kind of feminine posting tone #& the last is like. shounen manga protagonist. action movie hero. jojo's bizarre adventure character. #the tone you would use if you were holding a gun with the safety off (– @chadlesbianjasontodd)
I just think it's so interesting that people end up falling in love with their friends' boyfriends! I absolutely despise every single one of them. give me my fucking homie back you goddamn bastard
you've used this term a bit, so i wanted to ask, what is malgendering?
Good question! also this ask led me to learn that "malgender" is actually on wiktionary now, which is really cool! shoutout to whoever made that page. i love that tumblr user penisbagelbite's really useful contribution to trans theory is out there.
You can read the post where it was coined here, and I recommend doing so as it also lists some good (although binary, & this does happen to nonbinary people) examples. The coiner defined it as:
the practice of "validating" someone's gender identity only when it can be used against them and to hurt them, and malgendering almost always involves the enforcement of only the most negative sexist stereotypes available onto the victim with none of the "positives".
i think the wiktionary definition also does a good job:
To insincerely or disparagingly gender an individual correctly, particularly to do so by referencing gender stereotypes (e.g. telling a trans man he is archetypically unhygienic).
To say it more succinctly: it is when you weaponize gendering a trans person correctly in order to hurt them by using gendered stereotypes.
It's a very important word that allows us to talk about transphobia not simply as "not treating someone like the gender they are," but targeted cruelty towards trans people due to their transness with the intent of making transness stigmatized, othered, and painful to live out. The term was coined through anti-transmasculinity theory, but it is a term for all trans people (and all people, frankly) to describe how correct gendering can be weaponized to hurt gender-marginalized people.
#an example would be calling a trans woman 'bitch' if you're upset/annoyed/whatever with her#i believe cisgender women going 'oh you pass so well i'd cross to the other side of the street' to trans men#is also malgendering#(neither are binary trans specific.#both are applicable to any and all genderqueer folks depending on the way they present and their pronouns)
also good examples! altho i wanna clarify what i meant by the examples are quite binary.
malgendering a nonbinary person means gendering them as nonbinary, in a harmful way. examples include:
A nonbinary person uses it/its pronouns, and as a result people begin treating them like it isn't a human being, being extra rude or rough with it, joking about it not being a person. They justify this by saying its pronoun preference means it doesn't really want to be a human.
A nonbinary person wants to participate in a fun activity. The activity is done in gendered groups, split between men and women. They are the only nonbinary person there. Rather than degender the groups or let them choose which group to join, they are given the option to do the activity alone or not do it at all.
A nonbinary person is an androgyne / both a man and a woman. A person insists on calling her a "he-she," the h-slur, and making comments about him being bigenital. They make jokes about her being uniquely erratic or "acting crazy" because of the combined stereotypes of "women are hormonal and irrational" and "men are hormonal and violent." All of this is presented as simply affirming their nonbinarity.
This is what I mean when I say a lot of examples are very binary; they are focused on how binary gender stereotypes are weaponized, and don't include how nonbinary people experience being gendered as nonbinary in harmful and/or malicious ways.
#oh this expresses how I feel about those ‘nonbinary name’ ‘’jokes’’#or the posts where binary people get something serious and then the nonbinary one is a punchline#it’s acknowledging us to act like our genders aren’t equally normal and serious
oh these are also good examples of malgendering directed at nonbinary people! the """inclusion"""" is entirely through making our nonbinarity a joke, but if we point that out we are painted as bitchy and/or aggressive.
Is there a sort of confirmation bias aspect to it? The classic example to me of confirmation bias, idk why, is someone seeing a woman drive poorly and then complain that women are bad drivers. Its confirmation bias because this one observed woman driving badly is only a reflection of herself (in that moment), but the viewer is using her as proof to shore up their existing belief that all or most women drive badly.
Is that malgendering, or does the person need to say eg "of course that driver is a woman, she cant drive for shit" for it to be? Or does it need to be to someones face to qualify?
Or is it that both malgendering and gendered confirmation bias simply rely on the same or similar tropes?
I would say that "malgendering" as a phenomenon describes something that happened specifically to people who's gender/sex is already under scrutiny or seen as illegitimate.
It's not just about gendered stereotypes, it's about them being wielded against someone who the wielder knows/believes the victim's gender is dubious in some way. It is a way of punishing them for identifying with a certain gender by gendering them correctly but punitively. The correct gendering becomes a punishment that harms the victim, which can have the affect of making them feel unsafe in their preferred gender presentation, making the act of living as their gender identity traumatic in itself.
As a historical example, this fictional story from the 1850s depicts a young masculine child seen as a girl, who is (as a punishment) made to wear boy's clothes for a week & subjected to cruelty from their brothers. Their brothers say that "if you act like a boy, we'll treat you like one," but in practice this means physical and verbal abuse. This punishment goes on until the child breaks down under the scrutiny and dedicates themself to repressing their masculinity, because they have now come to associate their transmasculinity with being humiliated and hurt and vulnerable.
So if I had to sum that up in some characteristics of malgendering that make it distinct from harmful gender stereotypes in general:
the victim is someone who's gender/sex is perceived as dubious, suspect, or illegitimate
the perpetrator percieves that this makes the victim uniquely vulnerable to gendered stereotypes, because they do not have access to "proper" manhood or womanhood.
as a result, the perpetrator's correct gendering of them allows them to assert power over the victim by saying their gender will be validated only when their gender is portrayed as negative.
while proper gendering helps empower the gender-marginalized person by affirming that they can exist socially as their gender and be part of society, malgendering disempowers the gender-marginalized person by only allowing them to exist as a cautionary tale for their gender, or as the butt of a joke about their gender. their gendered existence in society is not in their control, and it is wielded for the benefit of others
as a social phenomenon, the ultimate goal / end point of malgendering is either detransition or suicide. while misgendering tells the person that they will never be allowed to exist in society as their gender, malgendering tells the person that existing in society as their gender will only cause them pain, isolation, and loss of autonomy; either way, the conclusion many victims come to is that they should either live as society demands they do based on their perceived sex/gender, or not live at all.
Confirmation bias can play a role, but that's not exactly what is intended to be highlighted in describing certain actions as malgendering.
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my favorite thing about crocodiles is yeah they're fantastic swimmers and yeah they can run pretty fast and yeah the smaller ones can even climb trees but also. they don't wanna do any of that shit. they just go no, no thanks. that's not for me. i think i'll just wait for someone to mistake me for a log and get too close. and then i'll eat them. many reptiles love this strategy but none pull it off like the humble croc
I am whatever the opposite of a speed runner is. I am a game meanderer. I have to look at literally everything. I am overly cautious in every way. I forget to pause and wander away from the game. I take a minimum 7 hours to get through any given level. If you give me a timer I will cry.
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was outside earlier and a bird Came Up, squatted down, fluttered it’s wings at me and opened its mouth like a hatchling begging for food (it was a grown female) so I went and checked the seed cube in the feeder and the thing was completely covered in mold. this is one of the weirdest things that’s ever happened to me. how did she know im the one in charge of the birdseed. How Did She Know To Pantomime Hunger At Me. Hello.
i have spent my afternoon confusedly getting dressed, driving to the store, purchasing a new seed block, driving home, washing the cage, and getting the feeder set back up. i don’t take this much care for my Own nutrition. ive been bullied into a grocery store run by a tufted titmouse. i feel so loved
one of the lovely ladies I’ve been seeing got covid & she’s like “maybe you didn’t catch it?” Girl I was not a ‘didnt catch it’ amount of space away when we were- wheres that tweet about the vaxxed guy. you know the one
when you grew up as a lonely uncool girl it will never stop haunting you by the way. you will meet a cool person at a bar or the train station or at a friend's party and you can wear your most stylish outfit and striking eye makeup and you will swear that they can see through all of the facade and see the lonely terribly insecure teenage girl you used to be who desperately wanted to connect and you will swear that they know that there is like an insurmountable gap between you. this will happen forever
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