thinking about ilya who ignored his brotherâs calls for weeks and weeks and weeks until heâs had enough, finally takes the call, after that heady rush he gets from playing against shane, and alexei tells him their father is dead.
and even before ilya steps into his brotherâs orbit in moscow, all he hears ringing in his head is he is dead, ilya, our father is dead. and you werenât here. you werenât with him when he died. you couldâve been if youâd fucking picked up your phone. but you didnât and now heâs dead. you havenât even seen him in almost a year. but heâs called you often, more often than ever before, and he always asked for you, he remembered you, he didnât remember alexei, he didnât remember polina, he remembered you, and you werenât there when he died.
and he hears the same from alexei, hears you selfish piece of shit, big shot hockey player too good for his family, canât even be here to take care of his dying father. why werenât you here? hockey? youâre always looking for excuses, ilya.
reads and hears the same thing in the news: ilya rozanov absent for his fatherâs death. he didnât care enough to come be by his dying fatherâs side. left the family burdened with it. he did not honour his father. what an ungrateful son. how arrogant. put hockey over family.
and he sinks into it, into all these terrible things people are saying about him, and he thinks, yes, this is me, this is who i am, an ungrateful son who abandoned his sick and dying father, arrogant, i didnât want to talk to my brother so much i forgot about my dying father, i ignored i have a dying father, i put it off for so long and nowâ
and then his phone flashes with a missed call from shaneâa missed call, they donât do that, they donât call each other, but shane did, shane called, and something fucking comes undone in him. itâs big. enormous. it unspools quicker and quicker and he doesnât know how long he can keep it in. but heâs calling shane back, and shane says sorry when he hears about his fatherâa death. he says sorry and you should take more time and i want to help, and ilya thinks that maybe what everyone is saying about him isnât true, and maybe for the first time, he really believes that.
prguitarman
origamiaround
vaporwave
blakekathryn
2087
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