Let's forget reality

i’m wide open i’m wide open

oh dammit

bad call, ref! bad call!

goaaaaal! mom!!! did you see?

Time again for fics I’ve liked, but weirdly enough in the last month I’ve mostly heart-recc'd Porn with Plot, so here we are:

Fourteen ten by delagauchetiere E. 26k complete. Ilya forgot his key in 1410 and comes back, gets trapped in Shane’s room. I know you’re tired of hearing me talk about black dog by the same author because it’s the fic of all time, but I have come back to this as my comfort-read now so many times. This is funny and sweet and hot and I just love this author’s vision.

The Birds and the Bees by Slagathor99 E. 36k, 5 chapters complete. Incredible sex pollen fic! Rose-era Shane gets sex pollen’d and calls Ilya to help.

Knock on Wood by mcshrug E. 6k complete. Shane and Ilya do something different in their hookup, and Shane wins their game later. So naturally, superstition kicks in and Shane wants to it again (fruits of my #Just The Tip tag binge).

When the Ice Runs Red by DaylightDaisies E. 26k, 9 chapters complete. They turn murder into foreplay. Idk what else to tell you, it’s brilliant.

Select All by Regolith (metonym) E. 47k, 11 chapters complete. They’ve never hooked up, but Shane sends a nude to Ilya by accident. The author does such a good job making you feel their emotions. This one is still living in my brain.

Boyfriend is out and Shane is not (for obvious reasons) and while this doesn't necessarily make for an unhealthy relationship Boyfriend is, as established, an asshole. He's not shy about reminding Shane of how lucky he is that he puts up with the secrecy and how impossible it would be for Shane to find someone else in his situation.

They've also been together since they were teenagers so Boyfriend is the only guy Shane has ever been with and the only one who knows Shane is gay, which also means that Shane has no one to talk to about any misgivings he might have about the relationship.

The story is the same as in canon from Ilya's perspective until the CCM commercial when he hits on Shane in the shower and Shane, visibly into Ilya and fighting with himself internally, tells him he can't because he has a boyfriend. Then he panics about what he just told Ilya but Ilya promises not to tell anyone - they have the same secret, after all. Sure he's disappointed but he can always find other people to fuck (that hollow feeling in his chest feels like a lot more than just disappointment but Ilya ignores that).

Every time Shane and Ilya catch a moment alone over the next couple of years, Ilya asks Shane if he's still with the boyfriend and the answer is always yes. Around the third time, Shane is feeling vulnerable because they just had a fight the week before and Boyfriend has been ignoring him and he doesn't have anyone to talk to about how awful he feels, and he just kind of. Starts telling Ilya about it.

And Ilya listens and then tells Shane, "He sounds like an asshole."

Shane feels conflicted about this comment because on the one hand, it kind of confirms what he's been thinking, but on the other Ilya doesn't actually know Boyfriend and all he has is information from a very biased source.

"He's not," Shane finally says. "We just got into an argument. Couples fight."

Ilya wants very much to disagree, because Hollander sounds fucking miserable talking about this guy, but he wisely concludes that this would just make Shane dig his heels in further and refrains.

Despite Shane's protests, every time Ilya asks him about his boyfriend after that he looks more tired. This guy also clearly makes him insecure as hell and Ilya hates seeing the effect he has, making Shane fucking Hollander carry himself like he's two inches tall and trying to disappear.

Ilya is itching to tell Shane to dump Boyfriend, to find someone who'll treat him like he deserves. Whenever he indirectly broaches the topic though, Shane gets defensive, and Ilya doesn't want to push it because as much as he'd like to get Shane away from this guy (and into his own bed) he also doesn't want Shane to shut him out and isolate himself even further.

Then comes the day when Shane actually approaches Ilya first. He looks nervous but determined and at first, Ilya thinks this is it. He finally remembered that he's Shane fucking Hollander and kicked that guy to the curb.

What Shane tells him isn't quite that. Ilya still perks up, because he cannot believe that Boyfriend, this absolute piece of shit moron, suggested opening the relationship and delivered Shane to Ilya on a silver platter.

Because Shane's first instinct, upon getting permission to fuck other people, was to seek Ilya out. He looks cautious but hopeful when he asks if Ilya's still interested in hooking up, like the answer isn't obviously yes.

Yes, Ilya's still interested. But not just in hooking up. Not in being the side piece.

Controversial opinion: I think accepting Shsane as gay is not as easy for Yuna as this fandom likes to portray. Its not cause she's homophobic necessarily, but she knows hockey and hockey culture and its already so hard for her son being Asian in a white sport, he doesn't need another thing. She doesn't bring up her suspicions and she doesn't tell her son he can tell her anything because she doesn't want it to be true. This will make his life so much harder and so if they don't talk about it, they will never have to deal with it.

"Fuck it, let's see if it works irl"

And it works, it works terrifyingly well. So well in fact that everyone is side eyeing Poseidon thinking he was an active father because "There's no fucking way he didn't train this boy look at him!"

Percy:

Monster: Ha! There ain't water here Jackson!

Percy: ...Wait...Annabeth, isn't the land also a part of my dad's domain?

Annabeth: Yeah?

Percy: ...OH MY GOD! I'M THE FUCKING AVATAR!

Monster: What—?

Annabeth: ...ohshit—

Percy:

•••••

Nico: Watcha doing?

Percy: Tryna bend metal, I think I've almost got it...You'd probably have an easier time with it.

Nico: Why?

Percy: Metals are in Hades domain right?

Nico: Yeah...Huh...

•••Some Time Later•••

Enemy: Might as well give it up death boy! Not even Percy Jackson can do his cartoon bullshit on metal!

Nico: ...

Nico:

POV after the Giant War:

Percy: YOU'VE NOT WATCHED ATLA!!!???! Jason: My guy... I have no childhood. I was raised by wolves Percy: *binges ATLA and lok with Jason* Jason: *goes back to Camp Jupiter with new knowledge* Reyna(With rest of camp):Jason! You're back Jason:

Fabian is working at a drug store until he makes his big break. There is, presumably, no such thing as a moderately successful musician in this world or any mid-level careers for people with musical training. (He plays violin - you're telling me he can't get studio work? Or work weddings?) Kip sells smoothies and works catering jobs. Kyle is a bartender.

Harris, Thee social media manager of a pro sports team who travels with that team twice a year, claims he makes less per year than some of the players make in a day. The absolute maximum salary for an NHL player in 2020 was $16.3M, but I haven't seen anyone suggest Ilya would be making that much with Ottawa - that would be a terrible deal for the team, since that's 20% of their salary cap for the whole team. Certainly they don't have more than one player making that. Ilya is probably making 10, maybe 12M, which would put Harris's salary below $32k. In 2020. That's crazyinsane. That should be a good paying job!!

And then everyone else? Everyone else in this series is a millionaire. But!! The millionaires do not live or act like millionaires in any meaningful way. Ilya has a car collection, sure, but he has to sell it?? To move to Ottawa?? No he fucking doesn't, he just signed a $10M contract that probably had a signing bonus. Are you stoned? Are we all very stoned? Do we not have basic math skills.

****

It's 1:30am when Marleau calls. Ilya would have slept through it if Shane hadn't wacked him in the face with a pillow and mumbled "Dude, your phone is ringing, make it stop."

"Oh." Ilya rubs his eyes and picks up his phone. "It's Marly."

Which leads to a bit of an uproar because omg Shane Hollander has a girlfriend?? who plays hockey???? that's so on brand for him like. okay who was playing last night and got a goal in the first period, we need to find the woman who has Shane Hollander crooning into his phone like a lovestruck teenager. and the consensus lands on an unsuspecting and entirely unrelated CWHL forward who has never even been in the same city as Shane but the Internet is running with the story and there's journalists harassing her and Shane has to get his agent to call her agent so he can apologise for this mess and she's like, dude, I know it's not your fault, but Shane feels so fucking bad about it, you know?

And unfortunately it doesn't really let up as quickly as they thought because it's right before Christmas and isn't this a great story, fucking Hallmark movie shit, so a very unimpressed Leila (her name is Leila) has to look a reporter in the eye after her team just played a really good fucking game of hockey and everybody wants to talk to her about some fucking guy, you know? so she looks him in the eye and says, no, I am not dating Shane Hollander, I have never dated Shane Hollander, I will never date Shane Hollander, I am literally a lesbian. I have a whole-ass girlfriend. She plays for the Blades.

The first time it happens, Shane is confused. The second through fourth, he thinks maybe this is some cruel prank being played on him. By the fifth, he's forced to admit to himself that it's possible these guys are being sincere and they actually want to fuck him.

It's at this point he brings it up to Ilya, because it feels like the kind of thing his boyfriend should know about. After a long silence, Ilya asks for their names.

"I can't tell you that," Shane says. "They all approached me in private, they definitely don't want it getting out that they're not straight."

"Then they should not be hitting on my boyfriend," Ilya says sourly.

Shane is unable to keep from smiling, feeling a smug little thrill at seeing Ilya act jealous. "Well, unfortunately for them they don't stand a chance, since my boyfriend is hotter than all of them combined."

Now it's Ilya's turn to be smug. "Yeah?"

"I'm kind of obsessed with him," Shane admits.

And what's Ilya supposed to do about that other than initiate some mind-blowing phone sex?

"Just tell me one thing," Ilya says once they're finished and basking in the afterglow, both of them lying down and holding their phones inches from their faces. "Pike hasn't hit on you yet, has he?"