me and my life...

The time has come for me to start a new adventure! I have left Anglian Home Improvements and I’m moving onto new pastures. I am starting a new job at Inturn Trading Ltd in a purchasing role.

I really miss my friend (also my housemate). Right now she’s having a rough time because she’s tired all the time; she got diagnosed with some sort of fatigue disorder which is apparently supposed to fix itself in time. I don’t feel like my friend is my friend anymore. I hardly see her, I always knock on her door and she’s either on the phone or asleep or doesn’t want to hang out. It’s a rare occasion that we actually will spend some time together.

I feel really bad for her because she’s working full-time and it completely wipes her out. Although, at the same time, it’s not fair that she’ll snap at me or be short with me because she’s in one of those moods. I feel like she’s gone back to her depression stage of before Christmas where one day she would be fine and the other she would be really moody and take it out on others. I may sound selfish but I’m not in a particularly great place myself so it really doesn’t help. I started crying from watching Glee and then I couldn’t stop! Why was I even crying...at Glee…?

“I can be surrounded by a sea of people and still feel all alone”

I beginning to question my decision to stay in Norwich. My life isn’t the best at the moment: I go to work, I come home, I eat, I watch tv, I sleep. I go to work, I go to the gym, I come home, I eat, I sleep. Weekends - I wake up, I go to the gym, I do chores, I eat, I go to sleep. You get the idea…

Secondly, my social life is miserable. I hardly have any friends in Norwich and I don’t have a boyfriend. It’s lonely. I spent last Friday watching Love, Rosie with a glass of rosé and then ended up sobbing (not just because of the film) and this Saturday evening just gone watching soppy films (the new Cinderella and Friends with Benefits) and drinking rosé. I drank 3/4 of the bottle in one evening… Safe to say that things aren’t looking good.

Seeing as my friend’s girlfriend was visiting this weekend, I did try not to spend the most recent past Saturday evening on my own by inviting a work colleague over to watch a film and order a takeaway to have a girls’ night in. This clearly didn’t happen. It sucks that I don’t have any true friends in Norwich apart from my housemate because when her girlfriend comes to visit I end up spending the weekend alone. It’s great fun. Of course it would be fine if I had a special someone to spend my free time with but that is proving fairly difficult at present.

I have been single since August 2013 and I’ve had tinder (dating app) since the end of February this year. I’ve been on a few dates. Admittedly, I’ve lost count of how many dates I’ve been on but it’s very exhausting, frustrating, upsetting. Take your pick of emotions…I clearly thought I was stronger than I actually am because this constant rejection is really getting me down and it’s obviously doing wonders for my self-esteem. Fair enough when things don’t work because there’s no attraction, no spark but when it’s someone you take a liking to and think something could happen… wham! It’s bye bye.

My friend is always telling me, as any friend would, that it’s not me and that I’ll find someone eventually. I’m seriously starting to think that it’s definitely me though. After all, what else could it be after all this time? The problem is that I don’t know where I’m going wrong. I don’t know how to fix it.

I’m not completely dramatic, I’m not going to say that I’ll never find anyone and I’ll be by myself forever but I have a feeling that by the time I meet someone it’ll be in my mid-late thirties or older, by which time I’ll be too old to have kids anyway. When will this tiring game end?

It’s pretty easy to say that I’m not happy with my life at the moment. Don’t get me wrong, it could be worse, but then it could be better.

Sorry this is a bit late :/ 

So this year for my birthday I went to work. Oh what fun. I could have had the day off if I was permanent staff but sadly temporary staff don’t have this luxury :( Normally, seeing as my birthday is the 4th of August, I’m not at school so I get to enjoy the day with friends. Also, usually I’m at home home for my birthday and I’ll come down in the morning and mum would have decorated the table with a birthday banner and sequins of mini cakes and flowers and cards. This year I came down in the morning and nothing. It didn’t feel like my birthday at all.

At work the rule is that when it’s your birthday you bring in cakes for everyone. I don’t agree with this because I think people should bring you cake on your birthday which makes sense, right?  So I didn’t bring in cake, I took in a huge jar of sweets instead that my colleague had brought round for our housewarming party. I left a stick note on the jar saying: I’m sorry I didn’t bring in cake for my birthday but enjoy the sweets! Monique x

Did they wish me a happy birthday? No. first thing in the morning I said to my colleague that I didn’t bring in cake but I had sweets instead and he was like ‘oh, is it your birthday today?’ My reply was ‘yes’ then he said that I should have told someone and then they could have got me a card and I said that I had casually mentioned it a couple of times to different people. Anyway, skip forward in the day to when I’m leaving work. I come home and walk in and there’s a birthday banner on the wall and loads of purple balloons. I was so happy! It’s always the little things haha. And I got a really nice letter from my friend helen (I’ve always wanted one of her letters :p .) I ended up spending the majority of the evening by myself because Helen had her girlfriend over. When Helen told me that Philly (her girlfriend) was coming over to stay on Tuesday, my immediate thought was ‘oh great! -.- ’ So I said ‘oh that’s fine, I’ll just spend my birthday on my own then.’ Helen’s response was ‘no, you will not spend your birthday on your own at all.’ No offence but I’d only met Philly a couple of times, it’s a new relationship since they’ve only been together officially for a month, and my ideal birthday evening is not being a third wheel.

The job is going well, it’s easy and I’m good at it haha. Of course there are things that I don’t like about it like the angry and rude customers and sometimes the people there are a tad annoying but hey ho…things are never perfect.

So I started my new job on Tuesday! I am an administration coordinator and to the customers I am a Survey Logistics Advisor. Basically at Anglian Home Improvements (the company), after the sales rep has been round and before anything can be installed, a survey needs to be carried out to measure and check for asbestos etc. All I do is call up customers and book the surveys for them. It’s such fun…

The good thing about my job is that I’m good at it. They only expect us to book around 20 surveys a day and I’m booking way more than that. On Thursday I was on 33 and that was at 4pm. On Friday I was on 37 and that was at about 4/4:30pm. Hopefully I’ll end up being on par with this guy called Steven who averages 40 – 60 a day, which is incredible.

So we have to be out of our house at the end of this month. Great. We knew this was coming obviously because we only had a contract of 11 months but I needed to know I would have a job in Norwich before securing accommodation. If I had found somewhere to live but no job it would have been a bit pointless because I wouldn’t have had a way to pay for it.

Today is the day of my stepsisters wedding. It’s so exciting watching a wedding, knowing that those two people are so committed with their love and devotion to each other that they are willing to stand up in front of all their family and friends and profess that love. It’s so emotional! Oh god, I’m going to cry aren’t I?

So as I’m no longer a student, I began my job search and prepared myself to enter the world of the grown-ups. After 2 interviews I finally managed to secure a position at a company doing who knows what in administration. I don’t really know much about the job. All I care about is that I’ll get money and it means that I won’t have to move back home. It’s only temporary (3 months) and the pay isn’t great (£7.44/hour) but I don’t plan on staying there for long. I’ll keep looking and hoping that I’ll manage to find something better.

My parents think I’m aiming too low. My dad thinks I need to be really ambitious and not get too comfortable. Basically they want me to do a graduate scheme because they fast track you into management. I wouldn’t mind doing that but I have no idea what kind of graduate scheme I would want to apply for. I would say that’s a pretty big hindrance. I don’t see the problem in working for a couple of years and then apply once I’ve figured out what I want to do.

I have been on 7 dates with 5 different people I’ve met from tinder. None of them have worked out. The most recent guy was really nice and seemed to have a good sense of humour but he wasn’t the best kisser. This wasn’t the only reason I decided to end things by the way. Something just didn’t feel right in my gut and we all know we should follow our gut.

When everyone was leaving Ricardo stayed sat, clearly not intending to move…until one of our guests asked if he was leaving too. He decided to leave reluctantly and then I got a message when he’d got home saying that he wanted to ‘spend more time’ with me. We know what that is code for haha. I told him that it wouldn’t have been the best idea seeing that both of my housemates were in. I would have been up for him staying longer but I don’t think my housemates would have been too happy…

I went on a date with a guy called Ryan. We had been talking for 1 day and I got asked on a date which I was happy with :) We had organised an evening where it was after my assessments but then I just thought ‘what the hell?!’ So we had a last minute date and went for a drink in a casual pub.

I ended up leading the conversation and there were a few awkward pauses in the first half of our date. I felt like I was interrogating him at one point haha. The second half of the date was better because it seemed like he felt a lot more comfortable talking to me. To be fair to him, he said he was a quiet person and he did say he would be nervous. Who wouldn’t be? He offered to drop me home which was nice because he still had a bit of a drive back to his. I felt bad that he dropped me home and had to go out of his way so I invited him in. He didn’t stay for very long, (when he got up to leave it was 12:50am), but before he left we kissed. And then we kissed again at the door and I have to say that I like his kisses :D

After my housemates went home for Easter I was in the house all by myself and I felt lonely so I decided to ask Ricardo over to watch a film. We had a good time chatting after the film and nothing happened between us but it was nice to have some company. Despite this, I realised that it was difficult to see him alone because it just made me like him more :/

I sent him a message saying exactly that and decided that it would be best if we only saw each other when we have get togethers. Then I changed my mind.

I invited him over to watch a film and afterwards we ended up chatting about friends with benefits. At one point I thought that he was trying to convince me to sleep with him but I purposefully didn’t shave my legs so that I wouldn’t be tempted haha.

After he left I sent him a message saying that I would consider friends with benefits and if we did have sex it would have to be the next day because then I would still have the house to myself. I thought long and hard about it and gave him the go ahead.

We ‘benefitted’ but we didn’t cuddle which is a key rule for friends with benefits. At least he didn’t leave straightaway, we talked for a quite a while which is good. However the sex wasn’t the best.

Firstly, I think I tightened up after not having had sex in over a year. Secondly, I wasn’t completely relaxed seeing as I was freaking out slightly at the fact that I was having sex with my friend, therefore, I was nervous. Thirdly, he didn’t do anything to me. That’s right, no foreplay!!!! Wtf!!! I didn’t want to say anything because it was our first time but seriously not cool.