i am a less than impressive teenager. acceptable scores in classes, long-dead creativity, drained passion. all the things i thought i’d see in myself for years. i feel behind. i am not, not really, i am solidly in the middle. but for a girl who was always told she would make waves, i can barely seem to cause a ripple.

i defined myself as smart. high achieving. remarkable.

now that i am none of those things, what am i?

Academic burnout is not just exhaustion.

It is grief.

The grief of realizing your entire personality was built around being “the smart one.”

You were praised for achievement so consistently

that eventually performance became identity.

Good grades. Perfect deadlines. Being “mature.” Being “promising.”

You learned how to succeed before you learned how to rest.

And now your brain treats relaxation like a threat.

You cannot enjoy hobbies without trying to monetize them.

Cannot make mistakes without questioning your worth.

Cannot stop moving without guilt arriving immediately after.

That is the hidden tragedy of “gifted” children.

Nobody notices burnout at first

because from the outside it still looks like ambition.

But underneath all that productivity

is someone deeply tired of earning love through usefulness.

Someone mourning the version of themselves who used to learn things out of curiosity

instead of fear.

You are not lazy.

You are running on fuel borrowed from your childhood.

Nobody can see that I'm in pain.

Nobody can see that I'm drowning.

I can't show emotion.

I have to be strong.

I have to be the best.

How can I be the best if however I try I'm always second to somebody else?

My best is not enough.

"oh, to be the perfect ballerina~"