Lady of SoA

Fortunately, Emilia was completely unaware of your growing anxiety, too busy playing on the playground with the other children to have noticed your unusual mood today. Your foot absently bounced as you watched her, nerves shooting through you in anticipation of the upcoming introduction between her and Jax. Your stomach gave another uncomfortable swoop at the thought of them finally meeting after all these years.

Bringing the coffee cup slick with condensation to your lips, you sipped on it while the mid-day sun bathed your bare legs in its warmth. But the caffeine failed to ease the nauseating twist of your insides, and your foot bounced a little faster, moving in tandem with the elevated beat of your heart. Across the park, Emilia ducked around a slide and crouched down behind it, a wide smile drawn over her face. She was completely oblivious to the significance of coming here today, looking as carefree as you wished you could feel.

Her giggle drifted towards you as a few of the other little kids began hiding in various spots around the playground while one little boy wandered in search of them. The corner of your lips curved at the comical sight of them attempting to play a game of hide-and-seek when they didn't quite grasp the concept of keeping quiet and staying hidden. You spotted a few kids peeking their heads out of their hiding places before laughing loudly and ducking back into their spot.

As a few more minutes gradually passed, you slid your phone out of your pocket just enough to check the time on the screen.You still had yet to hear anything from Jax. You’d checked your phone every few minutes ever since you'd finished your shift at St. Thomas and headed to the park, but he hadn’t called or sent a single text. He hadn’t even responded to the one you’d sent him when you’d swung by the little cafe downtown to grab yourself a coffee. There was still no sign of him anywhere, no proof that he even remembered agreeing to this meeting.

Teeth anxiously sinking into your bottom lip, you chewed nervously on it as your foot bounced a little faster atop the other one. Had Jax talked himself out of coming to meet her in the end? Had he gotten cold feet about actually wanting to be in his daughter’s life, letting his fears get the better of him? He hadn't contacted you at all today, hadn't acknowledged that text you’d sent a bit ago telling him that you would be at the park soon. Considering how he'd initially reacted to the news about Em when you’d told him he had a daughter, the idea of him bailing at the last minute on you both didn’t seem completely out of the realm of possibility.

Slipping your phone back into your pocket with a defeated sigh, you focused back on the playground. Em was peering around the slide now, searching for the little boy who was still looking for everyone playing their game of hide-and-seek. Eyes wandering around the park, you observed the other moms stationed along the handful of benches and picnic tables. Most of them were either looking at their phones or reading a book, occasionally glancing up long enough to locate their kid before going back to what they were doing.

Bringing your iced coffee back to your lips, you took another long drink as you tried to calm the nervous bouncing of your foot, forcing it to remain still as your toes curled inside your shoes in protest. This was exactly why you hadn’t told Em that you'd planned to meet anyone here today, because you didn't want her to be disappointed if Jax didn't come. Even if she would’ve had no idea who was really coming to see you, you hadn’t wanted to give Jax the opportunity to let her down.

But you could feel your heart steadily wilting inside of your chest at his glaring absence. How long were you supposed to wait for him before you finally gave up and accepted the fact that he'd changed his mind? You'd arrived here twenty minutes ago, eventually you’d need to get Em back home so that you could make dinner before starting the typical bath and bedtime routine. You couldn't stay here all afternoon hoping he would eventually show.

Lowering your iced coffee to your lap, the condensation along the bottom of the plastic cup dampened the top of your thigh. Maybe it was foolish that you’d ever gotten your hopes up in the first place believing that Jax would’ve wanted to be in Em's life. But he'd seemed so genuinely interested in learning about her yesterday morning at the diner, and he’d sounded so earnest to meet her, that you were certain he’d already be here waiting for the both of you when you’d arrived. Or at the very least, that he’d acknowledge your text and let you know that he was on his way to the park.

You supposed it was quite likely that he’d changed his mind, and maybe that meant it would always just be you and Em. You thought you'd accepted that reality years ago, but having fate unexpectedly throw Jax back into your lives had felt significant. You hoped it meant that things were meant to change, hoped that it meant Emilia would finally get to know her father and that you wouldn’t be so alone in parenting her. But maybe it was ridiculous to have been so hopeful when you should’ve just known that meeting him again was merely an odd coincidence instead of something as profound as fate.

With your faith in Jax steadily dwindling, you spiraled deeper into the disappointing loop of thoughts plaguing your mind until the distant rumble of an approaching motorcycle tore through the peaceful afternoon. The telltale growl grew louder, making its way towards the little park in downtown Charming. Inhaling a sudden breath, you straightened on the bench as you held it. Just because you’d heard a bike didn’t necessarily mean that it was Jax, even if it sounded like a single motorcycle and not a group of them like you'd grown accustomed to hearing around town.

Every one of the other moms at the park visibly stiffened where they sat, their heads darting up almost simultaneously. The noise of a bike drawing so near had caught their attention like a neon sign flashing a warning over the playground. Each of them had grown tense, their eyes finding their children on the playground and watching them with far more caution than they'd been doing a minute ago. With how the majority of Charming reacted towards the Sons, and now after witnessing the other moms’ very curious reactions, you’d begun to wonder who exactly Emilia’s father actually was–though that would take longer than one afternoon to unpack.

When the motorcycle finally pulled up next to the park, you turned your head over your shoulder. You recognized the leather kutte before catching sight of the blonde hair peeking out from beneath the man's helmet. Relief washed over you in waves, and you finally exhaled the breath you'd been holding, the fear of Jax not showing draining straight from your body. The smallest smile slipped onto your face, grateful that he'd turned up after all and that he hadn’t left you hanging.

Jax slowly rolled his bike to a stop beside the curb before throwing the kickstand down and cutting the engine. An eerie silence temporarily swallowed the entire park as the roar of his motorcycle quieted, leaving you far too aware of the sound of your blood rushing through your veins. Even the birds briefly grew still as if sensing something dangerous, their chatter temporarily ceasing in the trees. But the moment passed quickly, and the sounds of kids playing and laughing soon resumed.

Jax undid the buckle of his helmet, removing it and hanging it over the handlebar of his bike. Both of his hands took their time running through his hair afterwards, his fingers smoothing the pieces that’d fallen out of place during his ride, putting them back where they belonged. He easily swung his leg over his bike afterwards, his golden hair catching the sunlight as he dismounted his Harley. 

You were so distracted with his arrival, mesmerized by the little gestures of him putting himself back together, that you hadn’t realized you'd been staring. You also hadn't noticed that you were no longer alone on the bench, unaware that Em had suddenly hopped up onto it beside you until her small voice caused you to jump. Your grip instinctively tightened around the plastic coffee cup in your hand, squeezing it so hard that a bit of coffee splashed up onto the lid.

“Mama, look!” she exclaimed, pointing a finger at where you were already looking. “It's a Harley!”

“Yeah, bunny,” you agreed, trying to calm the racing of your heart from both of their sudden appearances. Watching Jax had surprisingly caused your pulse to quicken for more reasons than just nerves. “It is a Harley.”

Tearing your eyes away from Jax as he stepped around the front of his bike, you glanced down to see Emilia kneeling backwards on the bench. Both of her hands were holding onto the backrest as she bounced excitedly on her knees, her eyes lingering on the man that she had no idea was actually her father.

“Can I go see it?” she asked. Her head darted swiftly towards you before she fixed you with her pleading, puppy dog eyes. “Please? Please? Please?”

The corner of your lip twitched at her excitement, the sight of it somewhat calming the nerves that had been eating away at you all day today. Jax was here now, and Em would no doubt find a way to break the ice with him, especially if she got to talk about his bike. It seemed like the perfect way to let them get to know each other, even if Jax had absolutely no idea what he was in for with her enthusiasm for motorcycles.

“Well, maybe,” you answered carefully. “But only because he's uh–” 

Breaking off, your mouth hung open as you tried to figure out how to address this situation with her. You’d not told her that you were meeting anyone at the park today solely because you didn’t want her disappointed if Jax did bail on the initial plans. And you’d already agreed with Jax yesterday morning that he wouldn’t be ‘dad’ to her just yet, but that he’d initially be introduced to her as one of your friends. Now you needed to figure out how to navigate that part with her.

“He uh, he's actually someone that I wanted you to meet today,” you awkwardly finished.

Her little brows furrowed adorably together in confusion at the strained smile that had spread over your face. Tipping her head to the side, she stared up at you like she was trying hard to understand what you meant, because Jax wasn’t arriving with a kid for a playdate. Her confusion made sense considering you'd never introduced her to a man before. Not like this. Usually meeting someone at the park meant another mom and someone for her to play with, or sometimes back in Fresno you invited a friend who would hang out with you while she played on the playground. So this was…different.

“Is he your boyfriend?” she asked.

A nervous laugh fell out of you before you quickly shook your head at the question. Of course she would think that, it was the most logical leap for her to make, but you didn't want that idea planting itself in her mind. As much as you missed the idea of having someone to rely on instead of always having to be the one relied on, you knew that wasn't possible. Not with Jax, not now. And it wasn't as if you knew him well enough to know whether you'd even want that with him down the road, either. 

“No,” you answered her. “He's just a new friend I made while I was working at the hospital. He wanted to come visit with us this afternoon. Is that okay?”

Emilia nodded her head enthusiastically, a toothy grin spreading over her face. “Yeah!” she exclaimed. “I like making new friends!”

Turning her attention back to where Jax was sauntering through the grass and towards the park bench where you both sat, Em abruptly stood up on the bench beside you. She raised one hand in the air and started waving wildly at him in greeting, the beaded bracelets on her wrists lightly clacking together as she did.

Looking back over your shoulder, your own gaze found its way back to Jax. His hands were stuffed into the pockets of his jeans, and there was a tiny, lopsided smile sliding onto his face directed at Emilia. Your heart tightened at the sight of it. Despite the nervous edge to him, you could see something else lingering in his gaze as he neared, and it melted the rest of those fears you’d had of him skipping out on you and Em.

“Hey,” you greeted him. “Glad you could make it.”

Jax's gaze shifted to you when you'd spoken, nodding his head back at you in greeting. But his attention returned to your daughter as he gradually came to a stop right behind the bench, his hands still stuffed in his pockets.

“Sorry, busy morning. Got held up a little,” he explained, still smiling down at Em. “But I wasn't gonna miss hangin’ out for a bit.”

Em didn't hesitate to reach her little hand out past the back of the bench where she stood, a warm smile on her face as she looked up at Jax. There wasn’t the slightest hint of intimidation in the friendly way she grinned up at him, even when she was faced with the leather and his tattoos. That seemed to throw Jax off, and his brows creased together as he looked down at her extended hand.

“Hi,” she chirped brightly. “I'm Emilia. You’re mama’s new friend?”

Jax’s eyes flickered briefly over to you, one brow slightly arching onto his forehead in obvious hesitantce. The smile grew on your face as you shrugged a shoulder back at him, the gesture saying ‘I told you she’s outgoing.’ You’d forewarned him that Em lacked a fear of strangers, and now he was about to experience that firsthand. 

“Yeah, I am,” Jax answered slowly, switching his attention back down to Emilia. He reached out, his large hand engulfing her smaller one as he shook it gently. “I’m Jax.”

When he released her hand, she immediately peered around him on the bench, craning her neck as her attention fell back on his bike parked beside the curb. Her eyes widened in glee as she leaned over the back of the bench, pointing a finger at the Harley he’d just ridden to the park on.

“Is that yours?” she asked him. 

Jax turned his head over his shoulder, following where her little finger was pointing. His mouth curled into a broad smile before his head swiveled back towards her. A glint of pride flickered in his eyes as he nodded.

“Yeah,” he answered. “She’s mine.”

“Can I see it?”

Emilia’s question came almost before Jax had finished answering, her excitement drawing a low chuckle out of him. Biting your bottom lip, you tried to contain the smile on your face, but your cheeks already ached at the effort. You’d had a feeling that Emilia would be all over his motorcycle the second she spotted it, and you swore you could already feel the countless questions about to bubble up out of her mouth as she waited impatiently for Jax’s answer.

“I suppose that depends,” Jax carefully replied. Glancing back at you, both of his brows faintly rose onto his forehead. “Is that alright with mom?”

An intense surge of warmth unexpectedly tingled its way up your spine at hearing Jax call you ‘mom’ so casually to your shared daughter. The sensation threw you off entirely, your stomach clenching as both of them questioningly watched you and waited for an answer. Emilia was still hopping up and down on the bench in her pink Nikes, her eyes wide as she kept repeating a quiet string of ‘please, please, please, please’ while Jax’s head tipped curiously to the side at your extended pause. Tongue slipping out to wet your dry lips, you forced a smile onto your face as you nodded, clearing your throat.

“Yeah, that’s–that’s fine,” you said, embarrassed by the faint breathlessness to your words. “Just uh, just as long as you don’t let her convince you to take her on a ride.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, darlin’,” Jax said, shooting you a wink. “I know better than that.”

Emilia let out an excited squeal that drew Jax’s attention straight to her as she hopped off the bench. You were grateful she’d drawn his eyes away from you, not wanting him to notice the way he’d just flustered you. You’d surprisingly liked hearing him call you ‘mom’ to Emilia far more than you should’ve, and that wink he’d given you wasn’t helping matters. But all those feelings he’d just stirred up inside of you were dangerous. You were only supposed to be friends. The sexual attraction that still lingered between you both needed to be pushed aside for Emilia’s sake. 

In true Emilia fashion, your four year old confidently grabbed Jax by the hand and started pulling him over towards his parked motorcycle on the street. The way Jax’s face twisted into something surprised had you laughing softly to yourself, fondly shaking your head at your daughter and how quickly she could take control of a situation. You assumed that was something she’d inherited from Jax.

Bringing your almost finished iced coffee back to your lips, you took a sip and tried to cool the heat creeping up the back of your neck as they headed over to his motorcycle. You caught bits and pieces of her questions as she began her onslaught of them, and you wondered what was running through Jax’s head with each one she shot his way. Especially with the way she was looking up at him with those wide eyes alight with curiosity and enthusiasm, her little hand still dragging him to his motorcycle. 

Without warning, tears abruptly sprung forth in your eyes at seeing the pair of them together. You fought hard to blink them back, trying to quell the ambush of emotion before it could fully surface. But there was something about Emilia having absolutely no idea that the man answering all her eager questions was the very same father she’d been curiously asking you about recently, and you’d found yourself struck with some of your own indecipherable feelings watching them.

Sitting silently on the bench with your coffee, you observed both of them from a distance as they talked, trying to keep yourself composed. Jax had crouched down to her height once they’d gotten to his Harley, pointing at various things on his bike, but you were too far to hear what they were saying. Emilia would sometimes light up, animatedly saying something that clearly shocked Jax judging by the expressions he’d make. No doubt she was impressing him with her vast knowledge of motorcycles, a topic that completely baffled the hell out of you. 

You watched them for a while bonding over the bike, each minute growing more increasingly aware of that weird pull you always felt around Jax. When you’d first felt it all those years ago, you’d chalked it up to an intense sexual attraction and left it at that. You assumed that was why you’d brought him home with you from the bar back then when that had been an entirely out of character thing for you to do. After you’d run into him again since moving to Charming, you assumed that was why you’d still felt that pull just as strongly as you had that night five years ago. He was undeniably attractive, even more now than back then, and you also knew how satisfying sex with him was after experiencing it firsthand. But seeing the way he was crouched in the grass being so patient with Em’s constant chatter right now–because she could really get going on a topic she liked–you wondered if there was more to it than just desire. 

But that was not a topic you could explore further, not even within the safety of your own mind.

When you’d finished with your coffee, you stood up from the bench and walked over towards a nearby garbage bin to toss the cup. It wasn’t until you’d stopped focusing on Jax and Em that you noticed the odd shift at the park. All of the other mothers were no longer distracted by their phones and their books while just occasionally monitoring their children. Instead, they were watching you closely while sending Jax wary, distrustful looks as he showed Emilia his bike, their books and phones forgotten. 

Tossing your empty cup into the garbage, a frown creased across your lips at the judgement and scrutiny that you could practically feel from their stares. Clearly, you were missing something when it came to the Sons of Anarchy. You’d heard enough about them in the halls at St. Thomas, especially when Chibs had been staying there after his accident. But while you’d been his nurse for those few days that he’d been recovering from his accident, you’d never felt that he was someone you needed to fear ever hurting you or your daughter. You got the same feeling about Jax. There was a dangerous aura about them, but nothing quite like that.

Maybe you were missing something, or maybe the town was just that distrusting of the outliers that lived here. Either way, he was still Em’s father and you’d intended to give him a chance to be in her life–so long as his presence never invited danger into your and Em’s lives in return. You hoped that his motorcycle club wouldn’t become an issue that eventually stood in the way of his relationship with her, whatever it was they did.

While you were making your way back to the bench, you heard Em loudly calling out to you. Looking over, you found her once more dragging Jax by the hand back through the grass and over towards you, bouncing so excitedly that she was practically skipping. The way his smile reached his eyes had a slightly stupid grin slipping onto your face before you could pull it back into something less embarrassing. Your thoughts quickly switched from his club to that flare of hope burning a little warmer in your chest at the sight of them together, catching just a few facts about his bike that Em rattled off in rapidfire to you as they approached.

“Wow, bunny,” you said, only somewhat catching something about a V-twin engine. “Sounds like you learned a lot.”

“I want a motorcycle!” Em exclaimed, dragging Jax towards you. “Just like that one!”

You fought the urge to roll your eyes, having already heard this demand far too many times since you’d moved to Charming. “You’re too young, bunny. And you should learn to ride an actual bicycle first,” you told her. “That’s a little more important.”

“Can’t blame you for wantin’ one, sweetheart,” Jax said. They slowed to a stop when they reached you, and you caught the playful wink Jax sent her. “I wanted my own since I was your age. But like your mama said, I couldn’t get one ‘til I was older. You still got a few years to go.”

Your heart unexpectedly gave a jolt at hearing him call her ‘sweetheart’ so casually, noticing the way it made her smile grow brighter. When Em’s head whipped back in your direction, she was practically beaming. That was all the proof you needed to know that Jax had somehow just become her new favorite person in all of Charming. Before you could ask if Jax wanted to join you on the bench, Em opened her mouth and was already fixing you with another set of puppy dog eyes.

“Can he come to princess night?” she asked. “Please?”

Her request caught you so off guard that your mouth fell open and you floundered for an answer. Princess night generally consisted of Em dressing up in an over the top sparkly dress and picking out a Disney movie to watch while eating some unhealthy meal that you didn’t usually have to cook. And that was typically followed up with nail painting and doing each other’s hair. Somehow you highly doubted that the biker president would want to listen to Elsa belting out “Let It Go" while getting his fingernails painted a sparkly periwinkle.

“Oh, well,” you began, your eyes darting between a hopeful Emilia and a now confused Jax, “I–I imagine Jax has things going on tomorrow night, bunny. That’s sort of last minute and I’m sure he’s not available. Plus that’s probably not something he’d really want to–”

“I’m not busy tomorrow night, darlin’,” Jax said, cutting you off. When he caught the way your mouth snapped shut and your stare met his, he abruptly added, “Assumin’ it’s cool with you. I don’t wanna intrude or nothin’.”

The second Emilia let out a shrill squeal of excitement, you already knew there was no way you could turn Jax away. If she wanted him there that badly, and Jax was insisting on being available instead of taking the out you were offering, then you supposed you had a third princess for princess night in the shape of a tall, blonde biker.

“Alright,” you relented, weakly shrugging your shoulders. “Suppose if he wants to come, he can come.”

Emilia hopped up and down excitedly as she spun towards Jax, still tightly clutching his hand in both of hers. To your surprise, he didn’t look remotely terrified of the unrestrained exuberance of the four year old girl currently attached to his hand. 

“It’ll be so fun!” she told him, the words spilling out of her in a rush. “We always watch movies and eat lots of food and we–”

She didn’t have a chance to finish listing off her plans for princess night because a few of the kids at the playground began calling her name, waving her over to join them for a game of tag. Considering she still had the attention span of the average child, she released Jax’s hand and bolted across the playground to go join the others for the game that was beginning with an abrupt goodbye, leaving you alone with Jax and quickly ending that discussion.

“How do you keep up with her?” Jax questioned, jabbing a thumb over his shoulder in the direction Em had bolted in. “Or is she not always like that?”

You grinned, leading the pair of you back over to the bench. “That’s generally how she is unless she’s having a bad day,” you told him. “She’s much calmer if she’s tired or sad. But my only defense is lots and lots of coffee. Or bringing her to the park so that other kids can wear her out, because I certainly can’t.”

Jax settled down onto the bench beside you, intentionally leaving a good bit of distance between you both. You became acutely aware of him, watching him slouch back against the backrest, his thighs spreading open wide as he slung an arm over the back of the bench, his hand less than a foot from your shoulder. The urge to scoot closer to his side struck you like an irritating itch, but you promptly ignored it.

“So how’re you handling things so far?” you asked him. “Still freaking out about the whole dad thing, or…?”

His attention was fixed straight ahead, a small grin playing at his lips as he watched Emilia on the playground. “A little,” he admitted. “But somehow it feels a little less terrifyin’ after meeting her. She’s just so…” He shot you a sidelong look as he trailed off, that lopsided grin on his face making your heart thud. “She knows so much ‘bout Harleys. I swear she knows more about ‘em than some of the guys workin’ at the garage. How the hell is she so damn smart?”

You pulled a face, shaking your head. “Not a clue,” you answered truthfully. “When it comes to something she’s interested in, she absorbs everything she can like a sponge. I’ve read her countless books about motorcycles that we’ve gotten at the library, but I can’t even retain half of that stuff. Somehow she always tries to make sense of it. It never ceases to impress me, either.”

Jax hummed thoughtfully, his gaze following Emilia as she darted around the swings trying to escape the little girl who was currently ‘it’ in their game of tag. You glanced over, noticing that Jax’s knee had inched closer to your thigh. You wondered if he was as aware of his proximity as you were.

“Gonna guess she got the brains from you,” he mused quietly. 

Your gaze slowly trailed away from his knee, traveling up his body in that relaxed posture he’d settled along the bench with until it landed on his face. His attention shifted from Emilia over on the playground to you, his stare meeting yours with a quiet intensity. The lopsided smile faded into something softer, and you felt your skin prickling and your stomach doing odd little flutters the longer he held your eyes captive. 

Because there it was again, that odd pull towards him. The air between you two felt heated and thick with something that didn’t generally linger between just any two people. As the silence stretched on between you both, you found yourself forgetting whatever he’d just said, too busy getting lost in the ocean of his eyes which seemed to change colors in the sunlight. 

You hadn’t realized how long you’d been staring until he cut the moment short, finally looking away and focusing back on the playground. Swallowing thickly, you tried to ignore the heat burning up through your cheeks as you found Emilia hurtling herself down a slide with a shriek of laughter. It appeared as if she was the one trying to do the tagging now, and you attempted to distract yourself with that instead of the odd way your body was responding to Jax.

“So what the hell is princess night anyway?” Jax asked, breaking the tension. 

Despite the strange moment that had just transpired between you both, a laugh bubbled up out of you. He’d agreed to come to something without having the slightest clue what he’d agreed to, and you couldn’t wait to see how that would pan out for him in the end.

“It’s a night that I started with her almost a year ago,” you explained. “It was just meant to make one night a week easier on me because it’s fast food or an easy dinner, so I don’t really have to cook, but I thought it’d be more fun if we watched Disney movies and painted our nails. So over time it became a whole thing.” 

“Okay, well I ain’t doin’ that when I come over,” he stated with a shake of his head. 

An amused snort met his firm refusal. “Yeah, okay,” you sarcastically replied. “Good luck convincing Em of that. I’ve got a feeling she’s going to want to stick bows in your hair, Rapunzel.”

Jax rolled his eyes, a grin stretching over his lips as he watched Em running around the playground. “Ain’t happenin’,” he repeated. “I ain’t that kinda guy. I don’t do bows, not even for little girls.”

Giving him a sideways glance, you took in the wide grin on his face and the way his eyes were tracking Em across the playground. He was watching her with the same spark of wonder and intrigue that you always saw play across Em’s face when she spotted a group of motorcycles riding down the road. A low hum vibrated in the back of your throat, not entirely as convinced about that as he sounded.

“Guess we’ll see tomorrow night,” you said. Biting your lip, you felt a grin tugging at your lips before you blurted out a teasing, “Rapunzel.”

His blue eyes shot away from Em, landing on you at the playful jab. His brows rose up onto his forehead, his lips curving into something cheeky that had your stomach doing some dangerous somersaults. It hit you hard in that moment–seeing him as just Emilia’s father might prove more difficult than you’d initially thought. 

Fortunately, Emilia was completely unaware of your growing anxiety, too busy playing on the playground with the other children to have noticed your unusual mood today. Your foot absently bounced as you watched her, nerves shooting through you in anticipation of the upcoming introduction between her and Jax. Your stomach gave another uncomfortable swoop at the thought of them finally meeting after all these years.

Bringing the coffee cup slick with condensation to your lips, you sipped on it while the mid-day sun bathed your bare legs in its warmth. But the caffeine failed to ease the nauseating twist of your insides, and your foot bounced a little faster, moving in tandem with the elevated beat of your heart. Across the park, Emilia ducked around a slide and crouched down behind it, a wide smile drawn over her face. She was completely oblivious to the significance of coming here today, looking as carefree as you wished you could feel.

Her giggle drifted towards you as a few of the other little kids began hiding in various spots around the playground while one little boy wandered in search of them. The corner of your lips curved at the comical sight of them attempting to play a game of hide-and-seek when they didn't quite grasp the concept of keeping quiet and staying hidden. You spotted a few kids peeking their heads out of their hiding places before laughing loudly and ducking back into their spot.

As a few more minutes gradually passed, you slid your phone out of your pocket just enough to check the time on the screen.You still had yet to hear anything from Jax. You’d checked your phone every few minutes ever since you'd finished your shift at St. Thomas and headed to the park, but he hadn’t called or sent a single text. He hadn’t even responded to the one you’d sent him when you’d swung by the little cafe downtown to grab yourself a coffee. There was still no sign of him anywhere, no proof that he even remembered agreeing to this meeting.

Teeth anxiously sinking into your bottom lip, you chewed nervously on it as your foot bounced a little faster atop the other one. Had Jax talked himself out of coming to meet her in the end? Had he gotten cold feet about actually wanting to be in his daughter’s life, letting his fears get the better of him? He hadn't contacted you at all today, hadn't acknowledged that text you’d sent a bit ago telling him that you would be at the park soon. Considering how he'd initially reacted to the news about Em when you’d told him he had a daughter, the idea of him bailing at the last minute on you both didn’t seem completely out of the realm of possibility.

Slipping your phone back into your pocket with a defeated sigh, you focused back on the playground. Em was peering around the slide now, searching for the little boy who was still looking for everyone playing their game of hide-and-seek. Eyes wandering around the park, you observed the other moms stationed along the handful of benches and picnic tables. Most of them were either looking at their phones or reading a book, occasionally glancing up long enough to locate their kid before going back to what they were doing.

Bringing your iced coffee back to your lips, you took another long drink as you tried to calm the nervous bouncing of your foot, forcing it to remain still as your toes curled inside your shoes in protest. This was exactly why you hadn’t told Em that you'd planned to meet anyone here today, because you didn't want her to be disappointed if Jax didn't come. Even if she would’ve had no idea who was really coming to see you, you hadn’t wanted to give Jax the opportunity to let her down.

But you could feel your heart steadily wilting inside of your chest at his glaring absence. How long were you supposed to wait for him before you finally gave up and accepted the fact that he'd changed his mind? You'd arrived here twenty minutes ago, eventually you’d need to get Em back home so that you could make dinner before starting the typical bath and bedtime routine. You couldn't stay here all afternoon hoping he would eventually show.

Lowering your iced coffee to your lap, the condensation along the bottom of the plastic cup dampened the top of your thigh. Maybe it was foolish that you’d ever gotten your hopes up in the first place believing that Jax would’ve wanted to be in Em's life. But he'd seemed so genuinely interested in learning about her yesterday morning at the diner, and he’d sounded so earnest to meet her, that you were certain he’d already be here waiting for the both of you when you’d arrived. Or at the very least, that he’d acknowledge your text and let you know that he was on his way to the park.

You supposed it was quite likely that he’d changed his mind, and maybe that meant it would always just be you and Em. You thought you'd accepted that reality years ago, but having fate unexpectedly throw Jax back into your lives had felt significant. You hoped it meant that things were meant to change, hoped that it meant Emilia would finally get to know her father and that you wouldn’t be so alone in parenting her. But maybe it was ridiculous to have been so hopeful when you should’ve just known that meeting him again was merely an odd coincidence instead of something as profound as fate.

With your faith in Jax steadily dwindling, you spiraled deeper into the disappointing loop of thoughts plaguing your mind until the distant rumble of an approaching motorcycle tore through the peaceful afternoon. The telltale growl grew louder, making its way towards the little park in downtown Charming. Inhaling a sudden breath, you straightened on the bench as you held it. Just because you’d heard a bike didn’t necessarily mean that it was Jax, even if it sounded like a single motorcycle and not a group of them like you'd grown accustomed to hearing around town.

Every one of the other moms at the park visibly stiffened where they sat, their heads darting up almost simultaneously. The noise of a bike drawing so near had caught their attention like a neon sign flashing a warning over the playground. Each of them had grown tense, their eyes finding their children on the playground and watching them with far more caution than they'd been doing a minute ago. With how the majority of Charming reacted towards the Sons, and now after witnessing the other moms’ very curious reactions, you’d begun to wonder who exactly Emilia’s father actually was–though that would take longer than one afternoon to unpack.

When the motorcycle finally pulled up next to the park, you turned your head over your shoulder. You recognized the leather kutte before catching sight of the blonde hair peeking out from beneath the man's helmet. Relief washed over you in waves, and you finally exhaled the breath you'd been holding, the fear of Jax not showing draining straight from your body. The smallest smile slipped onto your face, grateful that he'd turned up after all and that he hadn’t left you hanging.

Jax slowly rolled his bike to a stop beside the curb before throwing the kickstand down and cutting the engine. An eerie silence temporarily swallowed the entire park as the roar of his motorcycle quieted, leaving you far too aware of the sound of your blood rushing through your veins. Even the birds briefly grew still as if sensing something dangerous, their chatter temporarily ceasing in the trees. But the moment passed quickly, and the sounds of kids playing and laughing soon resumed.

Jax undid the buckle of his helmet, removing it and hanging it over the handlebar of his bike. Both of his hands took their time running through his hair afterwards, his fingers smoothing the pieces that’d fallen out of place during his ride, putting them back where they belonged. He easily swung his leg over his bike afterwards, his golden hair catching the sunlight as he dismounted his Harley. 

You were so distracted with his arrival, mesmerized by the little gestures of him putting himself back together, that you hadn’t realized you'd been staring. You also hadn't noticed that you were no longer alone on the bench, unaware that Em had suddenly hopped up onto it beside you until her small voice caused you to jump. Your grip instinctively tightened around the plastic coffee cup in your hand, squeezing it so hard that a bit of coffee splashed up onto the lid.

“Mama, look!” she exclaimed, pointing a finger at where you were already looking. “It's a Harley!”

“Yeah, bunny,” you agreed, trying to calm the racing of your heart from both of their sudden appearances. Watching Jax had surprisingly caused your pulse to quicken for more reasons than just nerves. “It is a Harley.”

Tearing your eyes away from Jax as he stepped around the front of his bike, you glanced down to see Emilia kneeling backwards on the bench. Both of her hands were holding onto the backrest as she bounced excitedly on her knees, her eyes lingering on the man that she had no idea was actually her father.

“Can I go see it?” she asked. Her head darted swiftly towards you before she fixed you with her pleading, puppy dog eyes. “Please? Please? Please?”

The corner of your lip twitched at her excitement, the sight of it somewhat calming the nerves that had been eating away at you all day today. Jax was here now, and Em would no doubt find a way to break the ice with him, especially if she got to talk about his bike. It seemed like the perfect way to let them get to know each other, even if Jax had absolutely no idea what he was in for with her enthusiasm for motorcycles.

“Well, maybe,” you answered carefully. “But only because he's uh–” 

Breaking off, your mouth hung open as you tried to figure out how to address this situation with her. You’d not told her that you were meeting anyone at the park today solely because you didn’t want her disappointed if Jax did bail on the initial plans. And you’d already agreed with Jax yesterday morning that he wouldn’t be ‘dad’ to her just yet, but that he’d initially be introduced to her as one of your friends. Now you needed to figure out how to navigate that part with her.

“He uh, he's actually someone that I wanted you to meet today,” you awkwardly finished.

Her little brows furrowed adorably together in confusion at the strained smile that had spread over your face. Tipping her head to the side, she stared up at you like she was trying hard to understand what you meant, because Jax wasn’t arriving with a kid for a playdate. Her confusion made sense considering you'd never introduced her to a man before. Not like this. Usually meeting someone at the park meant another mom and someone for her to play with, or sometimes back in Fresno you invited a friend who would hang out with you while she played on the playground. So this was…different.

“Is he your boyfriend?” she asked.

A nervous laugh fell out of you before you quickly shook your head at the question. Of course she would think that, it was the most logical leap for her to make, but you didn't want that idea planting itself in her mind. As much as you missed the idea of having someone to rely on instead of always having to be the one relied on, you knew that wasn't possible. Not with Jax, not now. And it wasn't as if you knew him well enough to know whether you'd even want that with him down the road, either. 

“No,” you answered her. “He's just a new friend I made while I was working at the hospital. He wanted to come visit with us this afternoon. Is that okay?”

Emilia nodded her head enthusiastically, a toothy grin spreading over her face. “Yeah!” she exclaimed. “I like making new friends!”

Turning her attention back to where Jax was sauntering through the grass and towards the park bench where you both sat, Em abruptly stood up on the bench beside you. She raised one hand in the air and started waving wildly at him in greeting, the beaded bracelets on her wrists lightly clacking together as she did.

Looking back over your shoulder, your own gaze found its way back to Jax. His hands were stuffed into the pockets of his jeans, and there was a tiny, lopsided smile sliding onto his face directed at Emilia. Your heart tightened at the sight of it. Despite the nervous edge to him, you could see something else lingering in his gaze as he neared, and it melted the rest of those fears you’d had of him skipping out on you and Em.

“Hey,” you greeted him. “Glad you could make it.”

Jax's gaze shifted to you when you'd spoken, nodding his head back at you in greeting. But his attention returned to your daughter as he gradually came to a stop right behind the bench, his hands still stuffed in his pockets.

“Sorry, busy morning. Got held up a little,” he explained, still smiling down at Em. “But I wasn't gonna miss hangin’ out for a bit.”

Em didn't hesitate to reach her little hand out past the back of the bench where she stood, a warm smile on her face as she looked up at Jax. There wasn’t the slightest hint of intimidation in the friendly way she grinned up at him, even when she was faced with the leather and his tattoos. That seemed to throw Jax off, and his brows creased together as he looked down at her extended hand.

“Hi,” she chirped brightly. “I'm Emilia. You’re mama’s new friend?”

Jax’s eyes flickered briefly over to you, one brow slightly arching onto his forehead in obvious hesitantce. The smile grew on your face as you shrugged a shoulder back at him, the gesture saying ‘I told you she’s outgoing.’ You’d forewarned him that Em lacked a fear of strangers, and now he was about to experience that firsthand. 

“Yeah, I am,” Jax answered slowly, switching his attention back down to Emilia. He reached out, his large hand engulfing her smaller one as he shook it gently. “I’m Jax.”

When he released her hand, she immediately peered around him on the bench, craning her neck as her attention fell back on his bike parked beside the curb. Her eyes widened in glee as she leaned over the back of the bench, pointing a finger at the Harley he’d just ridden to the park on.

“Is that yours?” she asked him. 

Jax turned his head over his shoulder, following where her little finger was pointing. His mouth curled into a broad smile before his head swiveled back towards her. A glint of pride flickered in his eyes as he nodded.

“Yeah,” he answered. “She’s mine.”

“Can I see it?”

Emilia’s question came almost before Jax had finished answering, her excitement drawing a low chuckle out of him. Biting your bottom lip, you tried to contain the smile on your face, but your cheeks already ached at the effort. You’d had a feeling that Emilia would be all over his motorcycle the second she spotted it, and you swore you could already feel the countless questions about to bubble up out of her mouth as she waited impatiently for Jax’s answer.

“I suppose that depends,” Jax carefully replied. Glancing back at you, both of his brows faintly rose onto his forehead. “Is that alright with mom?”

An intense surge of warmth unexpectedly tingled its way up your spine at hearing Jax call you ‘mom’ so casually to your shared daughter. The sensation threw you off entirely, your stomach clenching as both of them questioningly watched you and waited for an answer. Emilia was still hopping up and down on the bench in her pink Nikes, her eyes wide as she kept repeating a quiet string of ‘please, please, please, please’ while Jax’s head tipped curiously to the side at your extended pause. Tongue slipping out to wet your dry lips, you forced a smile onto your face as you nodded, clearing your throat.

“Yeah, that’s–that’s fine,” you said, embarrassed by the faint breathlessness to your words. “Just uh, just as long as you don’t let her convince you to take her on a ride.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, darlin’,” Jax said, shooting you a wink. “I know better than that.”

Emilia let out an excited squeal that drew Jax’s attention straight to her as she hopped off the bench. You were grateful she’d drawn his eyes away from you, not wanting him to notice the way he’d just flustered you. You’d surprisingly liked hearing him call you ‘mom’ to Emilia far more than you should’ve, and that wink he’d given you wasn’t helping matters. But all those feelings he’d just stirred up inside of you were dangerous. You were only supposed to be friends. The sexual attraction that still lingered between you both needed to be pushed aside for Emilia’s sake. 

In true Emilia fashion, your four year old confidently grabbed Jax by the hand and started pulling him over towards his parked motorcycle on the street. The way Jax’s face twisted into something surprised had you laughing softly to yourself, fondly shaking your head at your daughter and how quickly she could take control of a situation. You assumed that was something she’d inherited from Jax.

Bringing your almost finished iced coffee back to your lips, you took a sip and tried to cool the heat creeping up the back of your neck as they headed over to his motorcycle. You caught bits and pieces of her questions as she began her onslaught of them, and you wondered what was running through Jax’s head with each one she shot his way. Especially with the way she was looking up at him with those wide eyes alight with curiosity and enthusiasm, her little hand still dragging him to his motorcycle. 

Without warning, tears abruptly sprung forth in your eyes at seeing the pair of them together. You fought hard to blink them back, trying to quell the ambush of emotion before it could fully surface. But there was something about Emilia having absolutely no idea that the man answering all her eager questions was the very same father she’d been curiously asking you about recently, and you’d found yourself struck with some of your own indecipherable feelings watching them.

Sitting silently on the bench with your coffee, you observed both of them from a distance as they talked, trying to keep yourself composed. Jax had crouched down to her height once they’d gotten to his Harley, pointing at various things on his bike, but you were too far to hear what they were saying. Emilia would sometimes light up, animatedly saying something that clearly shocked Jax judging by the expressions he’d make. No doubt she was impressing him with her vast knowledge of motorcycles, a topic that completely baffled the hell out of you. 

You watched them for a while bonding over the bike, each minute growing more increasingly aware of that weird pull you always felt around Jax. When you’d first felt it all those years ago, you’d chalked it up to an intense sexual attraction and left it at that. You assumed that was why you’d brought him home with you from the bar back then when that had been an entirely out of character thing for you to do. After you’d run into him again since moving to Charming, you assumed that was why you’d still felt that pull just as strongly as you had that night five years ago. He was undeniably attractive, even more now than back then, and you also knew how satisfying sex with him was after experiencing it firsthand. But seeing the way he was crouched in the grass being so patient with Em’s constant chatter right now–because she could really get going on a topic she liked–you wondered if there was more to it than just desire. 

But that was not a topic you could explore further, not even within the safety of your own mind.

When you’d finished with your coffee, you stood up from the bench and walked over towards a nearby garbage bin to toss the cup. It wasn’t until you’d stopped focusing on Jax and Em that you noticed the odd shift at the park. All of the other mothers were no longer distracted by their phones and their books while just occasionally monitoring their children. Instead, they were watching you closely while sending Jax wary, distrustful looks as he showed Emilia his bike, their books and phones forgotten. 

Tossing your empty cup into the garbage, a frown creased across your lips at the judgement and scrutiny that you could practically feel from their stares. Clearly, you were missing something when it came to the Sons of Anarchy. You’d heard enough about them in the halls at St. Thomas, especially when Chibs had been staying there after his accident. But while you’d been his nurse for those few days that he’d been recovering from his accident, you’d never felt that he was someone you needed to fear ever hurting you or your daughter. You got the same feeling about Jax. There was a dangerous aura about them, but nothing quite like that.

Maybe you were missing something, or maybe the town was just that distrusting of the outliers that lived here. Either way, he was still Em’s father and you’d intended to give him a chance to be in her life–so long as his presence never invited danger into your and Em’s lives in return. You hoped that his motorcycle club wouldn’t become an issue that eventually stood in the way of his relationship with her, whatever it was they did.

While you were making your way back to the bench, you heard Em loudly calling out to you. Looking over, you found her once more dragging Jax by the hand back through the grass and over towards you, bouncing so excitedly that she was practically skipping. The way his smile reached his eyes had a slightly stupid grin slipping onto your face before you could pull it back into something less embarrassing. Your thoughts quickly switched from his club to that flare of hope burning a little warmer in your chest at the sight of them together, catching just a few facts about his bike that Em rattled off in rapidfire to you as they approached.

“Wow, bunny,” you said, only somewhat catching something about a V-twin engine. “Sounds like you learned a lot.”

“I want a motorcycle!” Em exclaimed, dragging Jax towards you. “Just like that one!”

You fought the urge to roll your eyes, having already heard this demand far too many times since you’d moved to Charming. “You’re too young, bunny. And you should learn to ride an actual bicycle first,” you told her. “That’s a little more important.”

“Can’t blame you for wantin’ one, sweetheart,” Jax said. They slowed to a stop when they reached you, and you caught the playful wink Jax sent her. “I wanted my own since I was your age. But like your mama said, I couldn’t get one ‘til I was older. You still got a few years to go.”

Your heart unexpectedly gave a jolt at hearing him call her ‘sweetheart’ so casually, noticing the way it made her smile grow brighter. When Em’s head whipped back in your direction, she was practically beaming. That was all the proof you needed to know that Jax had somehow just become her new favorite person in all of Charming. Before you could ask if Jax wanted to join you on the bench, Em opened her mouth and was already fixing you with another set of puppy dog eyes.

“Can he come to princess night?” she asked. “Please?”

Her request caught you so off guard that your mouth fell open and you floundered for an answer. Princess night generally consisted of Em dressing up in an over the top sparkly dress and picking out a Disney movie to watch while eating some unhealthy meal that you didn’t usually have to cook. And that was typically followed up with nail painting and doing each other’s hair. Somehow you highly doubted that the biker president would want to listen to Elsa belting out “Let It Go" while getting his fingernails painted a sparkly periwinkle.

“Oh, well,” you began, your eyes darting between a hopeful Emilia and a now confused Jax, “I–I imagine Jax has things going on tomorrow night, bunny. That’s sort of last minute and I’m sure he’s not available. Plus that’s probably not something he’d really want to–”

“I’m not busy tomorrow night, darlin’,” Jax said, cutting you off. When he caught the way your mouth snapped shut and your stare met his, he abruptly added, “Assumin’ it’s cool with you. I don’t wanna intrude or nothin’.”

The second Emilia let out a shrill squeal of excitement, you already knew there was no way you could turn Jax away. If she wanted him there that badly, and Jax was insisting on being available instead of taking the out you were offering, then you supposed you had a third princess for princess night in the shape of a tall, blonde biker.

“Alright,” you relented, weakly shrugging your shoulders. “Suppose if he wants to come, he can come.”

Emilia hopped up and down excitedly as she spun towards Jax, still tightly clutching his hand in both of hers. To your surprise, he didn’t look remotely terrified of the unrestrained exuberance of the four year old girl currently attached to his hand. 

“It’ll be so fun!” she told him, the words spilling out of her in a rush. “We always watch movies and eat lots of food and we–”

She didn’t have a chance to finish listing off her plans for princess night because a few of the kids at the playground began calling her name, waving her over to join them for a game of tag. Considering she still had the attention span of the average child, she released Jax’s hand and bolted across the playground to go join the others for the game that was beginning with an abrupt goodbye, leaving you alone with Jax and quickly ending that discussion.

“How do you keep up with her?” Jax questioned, jabbing a thumb over his shoulder in the direction Em had bolted in. “Or is she not always like that?”

You grinned, leading the pair of you back over to the bench. “That’s generally how she is unless she’s having a bad day,” you told him. “She’s much calmer if she’s tired or sad. But my only defense is lots and lots of coffee. Or bringing her to the park so that other kids can wear her out, because I certainly can’t.”

Jax settled down onto the bench beside you, intentionally leaving a good bit of distance between you both. You became acutely aware of him, watching him slouch back against the backrest, his thighs spreading open wide as he slung an arm over the back of the bench, his hand less than a foot from your shoulder. The urge to scoot closer to his side struck you like an irritating itch, but you promptly ignored it.

“So how’re you handling things so far?” you asked him. “Still freaking out about the whole dad thing, or…?”

His attention was fixed straight ahead, a small grin playing at his lips as he watched Emilia on the playground. “A little,” he admitted. “But somehow it feels a little less terrifyin’ after meeting her. She’s just so…” He shot you a sidelong look as he trailed off, that lopsided grin on his face making your heart thud. “She knows so much ‘bout Harleys. I swear she knows more about ‘em than some of the guys workin’ at the garage. How the hell is she so damn smart?”

You pulled a face, shaking your head. “Not a clue,” you answered truthfully. “When it comes to something she’s interested in, she absorbs everything she can like a sponge. I’ve read her countless books about motorcycles that we’ve gotten at the library, but I can’t even retain half of that stuff. Somehow she always tries to make sense of it. It never ceases to impress me, either.”

Jax hummed thoughtfully, his gaze following Emilia as she darted around the swings trying to escape the little girl who was currently ‘it’ in their game of tag. You glanced over, noticing that Jax’s knee had inched closer to your thigh. You wondered if he was as aware of his proximity as you were.

“Gonna guess she got the brains from you,” he mused quietly. 

Your gaze slowly trailed away from his knee, traveling up his body in that relaxed posture he’d settled along the bench with until it landed on his face. His attention shifted from Emilia over on the playground to you, his stare meeting yours with a quiet intensity. The lopsided smile faded into something softer, and you felt your skin prickling and your stomach doing odd little flutters the longer he held your eyes captive. 

Because there it was again, that odd pull towards him. The air between you two felt heated and thick with something that didn’t generally linger between just any two people. As the silence stretched on between you both, you found yourself forgetting whatever he’d just said, too busy getting lost in the ocean of his eyes which seemed to change colors in the sunlight. 

You hadn’t realized how long you’d been staring until he cut the moment short, finally looking away and focusing back on the playground. Swallowing thickly, you tried to ignore the heat burning up through your cheeks as you found Emilia hurtling herself down a slide with a shriek of laughter. It appeared as if she was the one trying to do the tagging now, and you attempted to distract yourself with that instead of the odd way your body was responding to Jax.

“So what the hell is princess night anyway?” Jax asked, breaking the tension. 

Despite the strange moment that had just transpired between you both, a laugh bubbled up out of you. He’d agreed to come to something without having the slightest clue what he’d agreed to, and you couldn’t wait to see how that would pan out for him in the end.

“It’s a night that I started with her almost a year ago,” you explained. “It was just meant to make one night a week easier on me because it’s fast food or an easy dinner, so I don’t really have to cook, but I thought it’d be more fun if we watched Disney movies and painted our nails. So over time it became a whole thing.” 

“Okay, well I ain’t doin’ that when I come over,” he stated with a shake of his head. 

An amused snort met his firm refusal. “Yeah, okay,” you sarcastically replied. “Good luck convincing Em of that. I’ve got a feeling she’s going to want to stick bows in your hair, Rapunzel.”

Jax rolled his eyes, a grin stretching over his lips as he watched Em running around the playground. “Ain’t happenin’,” he repeated. “I ain’t that kinda guy. I don’t do bows, not even for little girls.”

Giving him a sideways glance, you took in the wide grin on his face and the way his eyes were tracking Em across the playground. He was watching her with the same spark of wonder and intrigue that you always saw play across Em’s face when she spotted a group of motorcycles riding down the road. A low hum vibrated in the back of your throat, not entirely as convinced about that as he sounded.

“Guess we’ll see tomorrow night,” you said. Biting your lip, you felt a grin tugging at your lips before you blurted out a teasing, “Rapunzel.”

His blue eyes shot away from Em, landing on you at the playful jab. His brows rose up onto his forehead, his lips curving into something cheeky that had your stomach doing some dangerous somersaults. It hit you hard in that moment–seeing him as just Emilia’s father might prove more difficult than you’d initially thought.