I translated the Ea-Nasir complaint into vulcan and engraved it in on a cooper plate
The tumblrest sentence I have ever seen

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@kalindashepard
I translated the Ea-Nasir complaint into vulcan and engraved it in on a cooper plate
The tumblrest sentence I have ever seen

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Spin the wheel. That's who's trying to kill you.
Spin the wheel again. That’s who’s trying to protect you.
(If you have zero idea about a name you got, spin until you see someone you recognize.)
Are you safe?
Absolutely not. I'm dead. 100% dead.
I might stay alive, but it'll be a really close thing.
I'll take some hits, for certain, but I should be okay in the end.
A few attacks might get through, but nothing concerning.
The attacker might be able to get in one lucky hit. If that.
I am the opposite of worried. I'm 100% safe.
…Look. I've tried picturing this. But I honestly don't know how to answer.
(I've run this poll twice before, expanding it significantly for the second run. With about a year passed since that second run, I thought it was time to add another couple hundred names to the list and have another go.)
Every time this crosses my dash, I spin, but I’ve never known who both characters are
Obligatory truck I don’t trust reblog
One of my biggest nitpicks in fiction concerns the feeding of babies. Mothers dying during/shortly after childbirth or the baby being separated form the mother shortly after birth is pretty common in fiction. It is/was also common enough in real life, which is why I think a lot of writers/readers don't think too hard about this. however. Historically, the only reason the vast majority of babies survived being separated from their mother was because there was at least one other woman around to breastfeed them. Before modern formula, yes, people did use other substitutes, but they were rarely, if ever, nutritionally sufficient.
Newborns can't eat adult food. They can't really survive on animal milk. If your story takes place in a world before/without formula, a baby separated from its mother is going to either be nursed by someone else, or starve.
It doesn't have to be a huge plot point, but idk at least don't explicitly describe the situation as excluding the possibility of a wetnurse. "The father or the great grandmother or the neighbor man or the older sibling took and raised the baby completely alone in a cave for a year." Nope. That baby is dead I'm sorry. "The baby was kidnapped shortly after birth by a wizard and hidden away in a secret tower" um quick question was the wizard lactating? "The mother refused to see or touch her child after birth so the baby was left to the care of the ailing grandfather" the grandfather who made the necessary arrangements with women in the neighborhood, right? right? OR THAT GREAT OFFENDER "A newborn baby was left on the doorstep and they brought it in and took care of it no issues" What Are You Going to Feed That Baby. Hello?
Like. It's not impossible, but arrangements are going to have to be made. There are some logistics.
All wizards lactate naturally
That's what Gandalf's Big Naturals are for
I just love the idea of a cis male wizard finding a baby and thinking, "Oh man. I have been waiting for an excuse to try this spell." and enchanting themselves to have functional and loaded breasts so they can feed their new charge.
I keep seeing this in my notifications and thinking, "What imbecile cursed me with the phrase 'functional and loaded breasts'?" and then discovering that I am in fact the imbecile.
and honestly, even a throwaway line can work here. You don't have to expound about it at length to mention the wetnurse in passing or something. Have a neighbor drop by to feed the baby or something.
I’ll just copy my comment on the post from a few years ago.
Yes, I remember reading one book where after the baby gets handed over to the women in the household there’s a brief bit of dialogue as they figure out who in village is currently “available” as it were, and one throws on a cloak to go fetch a woman who lost a child recently enough that she’ll still be producing milk. Boom, done. You’ve shown us that you understand basic biology.
this lab safety training module is sending me
I feel like whoever wrote these questions was speaking from experience

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How can anyone hate Junji Ito
I love when you recognize junji ito’s style and you read on not knowing if it’s going to be horrific or just cute cat stuff
So what's the emotion called when you accidentally become proficent enough in some new timekeeping software that you are required to use that other people in the company start messaging you to ask how tf to work this thing.
Important; I hate the timekeeping system. I hate it it is my nemesis I only got good at it out of sheer frustration with the fucking thing when it was rolled out and I was thrown into the deep end with a 'figure it out good luck!!!'
Everything I know I learned by clicking random shit and irritatedly poking around the various options.
Like I can't stress enough. There are two thousand people on site using this system across multiple contractor companies, and all of them were complaining about employee hours being wrong.
Me; .....so submit an override request and just fix them it takes me 1 minute every morning while I'm half awake.
Ten other contractor timekeepers:
Me; HOW DO NONE OF YOU KNOW THIS IT WAS IN THE TRAINING
Beloved Tumblr wife, may I humbly submit:
I feel so seen
@systlin I call this the Pratchett Hero's Call. "You here? You're alive? You'll do. get to it."
told my parents i miss archaeology and my mom was, very sympathetically, like: “do you want to dig holes in the garden?” and i was like. yes. i want to dig holes in the garden.
my wife, after reading this to me aloud: It’s your people! …do you want me to break a clay pot for you to put back together?
me, burying my face in my hands: Maybe…?
These are both moods, but unfortunately I am primarily a bioarchaeologist. (IE, I specialize in digging up old human skeletons.) And, uh, home-made bioarchaeology is tragically discriminated against by law enforcement.
Only if you get caught
This whole post took an unexpected turn
Out of work paleontologists can take a page out of the Girl Scouts handbook and eat a chicken, clean the bones, encase them in a mud and plaster mix, then chip it back out. Which is legitimately how Girl Scouts earn their paleontology badge.
… I rebuilt my chicken by modeling muscles back onto the bones using clay, then putting skin on it and making it look like a dinosaur….
Perfect. Exactly the right way to add a part 2 to this project.
enrichment
How do I explain Plato’s allegory of the cave to quarantined archeologists?
::wheeze::
“Because the truth is, tech doesn’t have an image problem. It doesn’t have a message problem. It has an intention problem. What’s wrong with the axe murderer who broke into my house is not that he hasn’t successfully persuaded me to buy into his narrative. What’s wrong is that he’s trying to kill me with an axe. Similarly, when you launch a product that’s designed to put millions of people out of work, block access to sources of verifiable truth, replace human creativity with slop, and lower the barriers to every sort of atrocity, the problem isn’t that you haven’t told the public a good story about those things. The problem is that you are trying to do them.”
— The 40 Most Rage-Inducing Problems in Tech
Everyone should be aware of nitter.net
for any address to twitter you can replace the “x.com” with “nitter.net” and you will be able to browse as if you have an account. Lifesaver.
Similarly, imginn.com works for most Instagram addresses. I still haven’t found one for Facebook.
I cannot stand the parodies of modern major general, they're overdone and simply not as good as the original. They've done them about everything, whatever topic, big or small.
And when i notice one of them my eyes will always start to roll.
The diction's always slurry when they rush the complicated words, and adding many fricatives will turn it so cacophonous. The slanted rhymes are silly and they keep just making more and more, please someone stop the parodies of modern major general.
The scanning of the lyrics in the meter is unbearable, they emphazise the syllables in ways that are untenable, in short in matters musical, prosodic and ephemeral, i cannot stand the parodies of modern major general!

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CRIMINAL MINDS 2.21 — "Open Season"
Yes yes yes this scene thank you for the tag, heehehehe
It’s funny because this scene must be based on the memoir Special Agent by Candis DeLong. In it she describes being out looking at clothes at a department store on lunch break with another female agent and overhearing a conversation between a man and a woman in which he says he’s an FBI agent. They peer around some clothes racks thinking that they’re going to see one of their fellow agents trying to get a date, and when they don’t recognize the guy they go over and pretend to be interested in the big strong FBI agent themselves and ask to see his badge. The guy actually pulled out a fake badge, whereupon they said “Huh, that doesn’t look anything like ours…”, produced their own badges and arrested him for impersonating an FBI agent. (I remember this bit from a 25 year old book because I actually stole it myself for a fic)
My favorite Star Trek Captains as Troubled Bird Memes
“i also choose this guy’s dead wife” was easily the #1 funniest thing to ever be written on the internet.
you can know the punchline but you can’t stop it from punching you.
i do also feel the need to add that phil8248 really liked the joke. he said his wife had always had a dark sense of humour, even about her illness and death, and seeing the joke made him feel like he was laughing with her one last time.
So I saw some people remarking that they didn't understand why "liberals" are focusing on the disaster of the Reflecting Pool paint job, and ok so when you see stuff like that, I need you to remember we are dealing with a wannabe strongman. Anything that makes him look ineffectual, wasteful, and incredibly stupid-- you get that between your teeth and you don't let go. Especially *especially* when it involves laughing at him.
Also... it is funny. Except for the poor ducks, it's funny. Man lost a war to algae. His "American Flag Blue" is green and slimy and the paint is peeling off, and all before his big 4th of July show that no musicians want to play. It's funny. Point and laugh. That is fighting fascism, actually.
Like, this is the same guy who is trying to hide that a judge made him take his name off the Kennedy Centre by hiding the building with a great big tarp to obscure where his name used to be.
Any public slight, no matter now petty, no matter now little it matters to everyone else, gets under his skin like those screwworms he accidentally let Musk reintroduce to Texas (causing the government to call a state of emergency as it's trashing their beef industry).
Mocking the Reflecting Pool is Springtime for Hitler.
Many neonazis and their ilk are okay with their icons being portrayed negatively as long as that negativity takes the form of a powerful and threatening figure. They like identifying themselves with Big Scary Destroyer. It's a power fantasy for them.
That's why, for instance, Trump's incoherence when speaking doesn't bother them. His incoherence is taken, by and large, very seriously. The man opens his mouth and drops a bunch of verbal turds - and the world panics, or at the least gets very, very nervous. Not unjustifiedly, it's true, but the power fantasy of being able to say whatever they want and get taken seriously is still vicariously fulfilled.
But the Reflecting Pool? The Reflecting Pool wasn't supposed to be broken. It's not something Trump destroyed for the sheer pleasure of destruction, which is how Trump's base experienced his gutting of the government via Musk. The Reflecting Pool is something that was supposed to be improved, which he boasted about improving, and instead it's clearly turned to muck. There's no power fantasy there. There's nothing to gloat over; it's just a damp gross failure. It isn't even a catastrophic failure! Tearing down the East Wing of the White House was dramatic, and had the value of making a big, indelible change to a national icon. No matter what happens, the East Wing as we knew it is gone. Power fantasy. By contrast, the Reflecting Pool? It's just fuckin dirty. It's gross. It's your neighbor's neglected cheap pool that's full of dead leaves and slime. An entirely pedestrian, grody, pathetic failure. It would literally be more salvageable as a PR thing for Trump if it got hit by a meteor and turned into a smoking crater.
And that's why we're riding that fucker so hard. This is what's under the power fantasy. Deep down, he's just pathetic. And that's what Mel Brooks understood with Springtime for Hitler. You don't fight the Nazis by making them big bad scary evil guys. You fight the Nazis (when actual weapons aren't a present option) by making them a laughingstock. There is no way to derive a power fantasy from being the object of derision.
Got reminded again of my old coworker who was a massive misogynist but also trans inclusive. Told me he believed trans women are indeed women because "only women would be stupid enough to want to be women"
I wonder what he's doing now
He also aggressively corrected himself whenever he accidentally misgendered a trans guy we knew because "there's already more women than men in the world, the more numbers we steal from them, the better." Did that even when the trans guy wasn't around.
I need to point out that he was completely serious btw. This man had no sense of humor if he tried.
He was a cook at the restaurant/bar I was a bartender at, and almost punched a costumer once because he overheard him talking about how women belong in the kitchen. Told me he thought women should stay out of kitchens, that cooking is a man's job and when I asked him what he thinks women should be doing, he went quiet for a moment, then proceeded to explain to me the following
"I trust a bitch to run a kitchen as much as she can run a country, they should do shit like plumbing. Or electricity. Something you can just learn to do and don't need to lead, you know?"
Apparently women are good at "fixing shit". He claimed that he doesn't trust male plumbers or electricians except if they're gay because "something most be wrong with you if you want to go fix other people's houses, that's that maternal instinct"
Love that you guys seem to like the stories about my Guy, here's another. (also for context i need to say that english is not the language he spoke, and when i say 'fag', i'm using it for our version of the slur. Our Guy insisted that that's just how you call gay people in our language (it isn't))
We had an openly gay coworker who looked like it (crop tops, dyed hair, make-up) and he was often harassed by the waiters from the football bar next door. The gay dude had the same name as the Guy, who insisted that we would specify the he isn't gay, so they just became "Name" and "Not Gay Name". He was fine with that.
Oh he also once went on a rant about how he respects our gay coworker more than "those other fags" because "at least he has the balls to look like a fag, yknow? None of that sneaky shit where you can't tell if they're trying to fuck you or your girlfriend." When I then told him I was bi, he looked me over and called me some slurs before telling me that I don't need to rub it in that I can get both. Then he asked me if I think he's hot and when I told him no, he informed me I should stick with women because I clearly have shit taste.
He once accidentally bullied one of our younger waitresses out of an early eating disorder she was developing before working there (she told me about it after)
Boss gave us one meal from the menu a day as a job bonus, and we had this very shy seventeen year old working with us who was already nervous around men, but Our Guy was a 6'3 dude who only stopped yelling and cursing when he was not speaking at all. If he was the one cooking that day, he'd peek out of the kitchen an hour before he'd start closing it up, and would shout at you if you haven't ordered your meal yet because he hated cooking once he already cleaned. The waitress was scared shitless of him, and so whenever he would yell at her to "fucking order already", she'd panic and just pick something.
She didn't eat much but the first time she tried to throw out almost the whole plate, he got so personally insulted that he berated her for not picking something she'd like, and demanded to know what he did wrong. He got really upset about apparently not being able to cook something that this kid would like and I'm pretty sure he started putting in extra effort to make sure she would eat it this time? It lead to him quite literally standing over her like a hawk when she ate to "see her reaction" and demand an immediate review to see what he can improve.
She later told me that it she was so scared and awkward around him back then that it kind of overrode her fear of food, and that she still sometimes pretends she's back there, when she feels a bad episode coming on, so. He did do something good for the world i guess
Our Guy met a nonbinary person once when my friend came to visit me at work. He was just on a smoke break so I had to introduce them and when I said "They're visiting" he got confused and asked us how many people are there (and then threatened murder if they dare order something while he's on a break). I had to explain this man what a nonbinary person is, he thought about it for a second, called the whole thing "fucking stupid, there ain't that shit in nature" and then proceeded to very mockingly refer to them as (our language equivalent of) "your majesty" and use the pronouns you use for people you're supposed to respect (which is genderless and very formal)
My friend thought he was really funny before I explained to them that I'm pretty sure he thought he was being mean (but hey he it wasn't misgendering so yay)
Then (after his break) they ordered a vegan sandwich and we heard him cussing them out about how "they should pick a fucking struggle". Later I asked him about it and got told that "how much shit can you deny yourself? Cheese, gender, the fuck's next?"
"Cheese, gender, what the fuck's next?"
I like how his issue isn't with the "that shit ain't in nature" thing he mentioned, but the idea that being nonbinary is some form of self-deprivation and that they deserve a gender like everyone else.
More notes for The Study
This post made it to TikTok.
What a FASCINATING person
Adding OP's final addition so we can get it all in one reblog chain.

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Whenever they gave us one of those "read through ALL the instructions before you begin!" trick assignments in school where the steps lead you on an increasingly ridiculous goose chase until the final one tells you to just put your name on the paper and turn it in without doing anything else, I was always like, "Okay, but what's the point? Surely the REAL world won't be anything like this." And then I grew up and discovered that not only is the real world often exactly like that, some people won't even read the first line of the instructions even if they make perfect sense. And these people are called "co-workers"
A solid 40% of being a public librarian these days is just reading the instructions on whatever website the patron is on and then telling them what to do.
God, can you imagine someone from Finland (or wherever) heading to a Midwestern state fair and eating every variety of fried thing imaginable?
This is the America I believe in, the America that we can be