Star Fleet Sex Ed with Daddy Riker
Image source: Star Trek Shitposting 27 Oct. 2024.
The origin of my idea for a Starfleet sex education manual started with a post on Star Trek Shitposting. My original post, in response to the above photo, was inspired by US military “sex hygiene” and sex ed manuals dating from WW2 through Vietnam to the present day. Starfleet must have this type of education.
Readers, please keep in mind: 1) This is an outline of topics in a hypothetical Starfleet sex education manual and cannot possibly include all possible topics. 2) My questions and notes are included. 3) It is written from the perspective of characters from the TNG/DS9/VOY/LD timeline. 4) Sex positivity, medically accurate sex education, respect, and consent are emphasized. 5) LGBTQ+ relationships are respectfully discussed, but you might find my ignorant errors. Apologies. 6) The only appropriate responses from Star Trek purists are, "Fascinating." "I never thought of it." "That's a bold choice."
Here's your obligatory content warning: NSFW. Mature. Explicit. Not for children.
Sex Education Manual publication date: Sometime in the 2380s, during the Lower Decks timeline.
Starfleet Sex Education Manual
Introduction: Lt. Cmdr. Deanna Troi and Dr. Beverly Crusher start with the basics of sex education. Dr. Bev outlines biological sexes, genotypes, and phenotypes of the most common races in the federation. It’s not the simplified version you learned in middle school health classes. It’s much more complex than binary sexes. Then using a cartoon character diagram (think of a 24th century version of the Gender Identity Unicorn), Deanna explains gender expression and sexual and romantic orientations. This isn’t the censored version of what they taught in high school sex ed classes. [NOTE: This is infinite diversity in infinite combinations. IDIC has been adopted by the LGBTQ+ community.] Deanna highlights cultural taboos that are normal for humans but are sexually offensive to other cultures - making eye contact, shaking hands, touching appendages that might be a race's reproductive organs.
Trigger Warning, S.A.: Deanna and Dr. Bev provide essential guidance on S.A., how to get medical help from local hospitals and how to report it to local law enforcement and Starfleet security. They encourage survivors to utilize the mental health services. Medical records, including mental health, are confidential. Starfleet Legal will provide services for survivors to prosecute assaulters. Lt. Shaxs, chief security officer of the Cerritos, cites Starfleet security policies regarding S.A. and guarantees survivors’ physical security and legal protection. Shaxs and his Bear Pack will personally defend the lives and honor of survivors and ensure dishonorable, disgusting assaulters are brought to justice.
Captain Daddy William Riker starts with consent. Enthusiastic consent by all partners is required and essential for healthy relationships - no matter how short or long those relationships are. Consent is Riker’s kink. Consent demonstrates respect and care for partners. Consent is also the law. He reminds people consent can be withdrawn at any time. If the activity doesn’t stop when consent is withdrawn, that is assault. Instances of assault should be reported to local law enforcement and Starfleet security without fear of retaliation. Always get consent, and everyone will have a good time.
Riker on the morning after: Captain Space Daddy Silver Fox Christopher Pike is the role model for morning after care. Let your partner sleep in. You should get breakfast from the replicator or hotel restaurant, but cooking breakfast yourself shows you truly care for your partner. Bonus points if you prepare your partner’s favorite food.
Riker on reputations for sexual behavior: Bullying, harassment, and gossipping will not be tolerated. This violates the Starfleet code of conduct. As long as relationships are consensual and don’t violate Starfleet regulations and local laws, do what you want. Don’t slut shame. Also don’t ridicule someone for not engaging in sexual activities. People choose abstinence and celibacy for various reasons that aren’t anyone else’s business. Everyone has a right to respect.
[IDEA: Deltans and pheromones. Oaths of celibacy are weird. Is it necessary? It's the 2380s for fuck's sake! Can't people control themselves? Cadets and officers must abide by a code of conduct. That should be good enough. Fuck this shit.]
Commander Jack Ransom and Lt. J.G. Beckett Mariner roleplay consent scenarios. They can’t hide the fact they’ve been secretly fucking each other since that away mission on Gelrak 5.
Dr. Julian Bashir and Garak roleplay dom/sub consent scenarios. They can’t hide the fact they’ve been secretly fucking each other since that incident in the holosuite.
Lt. Commander Andy Billups, Prince Andarithio of Hysperia, discusses abstinence and celibacy. He is not ashamed of being a virgin. It’s his choice, not because he is asexual, but for political and royal family reasons. Billups supports asexuals and everyone who is celibate for any reason. He discusses boundaries, consent, and the right to say no. Having been the target of aggressive tactics to get him to lose his virginity, he gives strategies to fend off unwanted advances. He roleplays ways of saying no.
[What defines virginity? What defines a sex act? Billups could engage in some activities and technically remain a virgin. He's horny. He could offer mustache rides.]
Cool Mom Doctor Beverly Crusher on Hygiene and Protection: Cool Dr. Bev says safe sex starts with good hygiene. Perform thorough oral and genitourinary hygiene before and after every sexual encounter. This is the frontline protection against STIs and helps prevent the most common fungal and bacterial infections. Ask your partner to do the same. Hygiene also includes sex toys. Wash and disinfect toys before and after use. Good hygiene demonstrates respect for the health and wellbeing of your partner.
Cool Dr. Bev brings out a box of anatomical models and sex toys: Various sex organs, reproductive structures, appendages, and orifices of the most common races who serve in Starfleet. She explains what each one is and how it functions during sex. She brings out a box of physical protection: Various gloves, barriers, and membranes. [This sounds stupid. Barriers and membranes. Maybe just barriers. But who knows what is needed for alien anatomy. Goggles. Face shields. Raincoats. Aprons. Rubber boots.]
Then like the traditional old Earth sex ed teacher, Cool Dr. Bev pulls a banana out of the box and shows how to put on a condom. Then like a mature adult, she pulls various dildos and tentacles out of the box and really shows the correct use for condoms. She demonstrates proper methods to remove used gloves, condoms, and barriers to prevent infecting yourself. Proper disposal of used protection prevents the spread of infection. Safe sex also includes adequate use of lubrication. Dr. Bev says lube is your friend. Go slow. Don’t force it. Don’t skimp on the lube. She says there are additional examples in the manual with videos to demonstrate correct use of other less common forms of protection. The manual includes a special section on what is and is not a butt plug and how to avoid getting objects stuck in orifices. Sex doesn’t always require penetration. Other techniques can be equally pleasurable. As the saying goes, “Safe sex doesn’t mean no sex. Use your imagination.”
She switches from Cool Dr. Bev role to chief medical officer role. Regular testing for STIs is the responsibility of every Starfleet crew member. Get tested regularly regardless of your relationship status. Know your partner’s STI status. Testing is discrete and confidential. There is no shame in getting a STI. It can happen to anyone. Get treatment as soon as possible. Starfleet policy protects people with a positive STI status from discrimination and harassment. If you have an incurable STI, be honest with your partner. Use protection every time. Follow these guidelines for hygiene and protection, and everyone will have a good time.
Lt. J.G. D’Vana Tendi on the effectiveness of transporter biofilters: After the crew returned from a recent shore leave trip, Tendi cataloged new pathogens that were stopped by the transporter biofilter. Science is cool, and she’s fascinated by what the biofilters can and cannot do. How does the biofilter recognize what is a person and what is a new foreign germ? Tendi wants crewmates to know the biofilter does not screen out every disease-causing microorganism. She likes cataloging diseases for science, but she would be embarrassed for you if you brought a new sexually transmitted disease home with you. Tendi would do everything to help cure your STI, including experimental treatments. Have fun on shore leave! Be safe!
Dr. T’Ana and EMH Doctor tag-team rage-rant about untreated STI’s. Some STI’s are highly infectious and impact the entire ship. The doctors are done with people turning into uncontrollable horndogs who want to hump everyone. The horny brig population overflows after shore leave. They are tired of shipwide infections that turn people into pox ridden, chancored zombies. Don’t get Dr. T. started on pubic lice and other parasites that infest hair and skin. Do you know how hard it is to get rid of crabs when your entire body is covered in fur? However, the Doctor and Dr. T. reassure crew members their health information is private and emphasize that it’s better to get treatment in sick bay than deal with the public humiliation of infecting your crewmates. Get tested. Be safe. Use protection.
Data and multiple techniques: He picks up where Riker left off in the first section. Data’s repertoire is a comprehensive encyclopedia and how-to manual encompassing techniques of all the common races who serve in Starfleet and non-member planets. The appendix to this section is thoroughly researched and documented. The supporting artwork, literature, and pictures - all cultural artifacts from across the galaxy displaying the beauty of copulation - are breathtaking. Data is not only a scientist, he’s a philosopher and an artist of lovemaking.
[Did I just write that? So bad! So bad! I know. I'm cringing too.]
Data’s section on kink best practices includes photos and video demonstrations. The best way to learn is from personal experience. How can one teach others how to do it without experiencing it oneself? For science. Instead of using holographic partners on the holodeck, Data enlists the assistance of Dr. Selar, who is experienced in kink because Vulcans are secretly kinky motherfuckers. Data and Dr. Selar take turns demonstrating techniques on each other. For science.
[IMPORTANT NOTE: Publication is in early 2380s. Data "died" the first time in 2379. It is too good not to keep in the manual, and it keeps his legacy alive.]
Dr. T’Ana and Lt. Shaxs on sex related injuries: Dr. T’Ana instructs crew members to follow safety guidelines and take precautions not to hurt someone. However, when people get carried away or are too enthusiastic in medias res, accidents happen. Lt. Shaxs, chief of security, explains injuries sustained in mating rituals are common. Some cultures, for example Caitians, engage in aggressive behavior during mating. Dr. T’Ana lost track of the number of times she and Shaxs required medical attention afterward. He advises if you’re going to get freaky, don’t be too loud. He doesn’t want to respond to late night noise complaints. Dr. T. reminds him of that time an anonymous crew member reported them to security for being too loud in the holodeck. Per Starfleet policy, Dr. T. instructs crew members that it is their duty to get first aid for injuries sustained during sex. Shaxs says going to sickbay for treatment is not a walk of shame, and you should feel proud and hold your head high.
Dr. Julian Bashir explains the Friend Zone for people who think the Friend Zone is real. It’s not. He confesses he learned this the hard way from personal experience. For decades, he was an insufferable cunt to countless women. [He's British. British people say cunt all the time.] He learned the Friend Zone is a lie people tell themselves to rationalize possessiveness and expectations of reciprocal feelings and attraction. The Friend Zone is an excuse for horrible behavior. If you maintain a friendship with someone and push their buttons, don’t respect boundaries and consent, and freak out when they say no, you are not a real friend. Not only are you lying to yourself, you are deceiving the other person. If you allow “involuntary celibacy” fuel your rage for being alone, and you direct that rage at others, you are a fucking asshole. If you are rejected for your behavior, you deserve to be rejected. You think you want sex, but it’s not about sex. You don’t want sex. You want physical validation that you are sexually desirable. You have been emotionally rejected at times in your life and you feel unlovable, so you want to manipulate someone into validating you. You’re angry because you can’t get what you want when you want it. Every time you feel a twinge when you don’t get what you want from someone, remember this fact: No one is entitled to access to another person’s body. Get help. Learn social skills. Learn how to respect other people’s autonomy. Then you can develop true friendships. Eventually, maybe you will find a romantic partner who feels the same. In conclusion, don’t be an insufferable cunt.
EMH Doctor on reproduction: The Doctor explains which races reproduce through bodily secretions, spores, parasitic egg implantation, psychic contact, and physical touch and how to avoid accidental impregnation. [Contraceptives and methods of birth control - in order of effectiveness. Question: What do active duty military and astronauts do? Were references made to contraceptives in the shows and books? Need something here.] His slideshow is extensive with diagrams, photos, and videos. If it interests you, he prepared a holodeck program with the most unique methods of reproduction and birth seen in the galaxy. Andorian reproduction is complex with four sexes, four gametes, and one person to carry the fetus to term. Can he show you a diagram of how that works? Do you want to see a J’naii fetus emerge from a fibrous husk? He has a video. Lt. J.G. Samanthan Rutherford gives his account of being impregnated by an alien through physical touch during that away mission in the cave on Balkus 9 with Dr. T’Ana. The fetus rapidly grew in minutes and was delivered surgically. Rutherford says the experience was neat, and he liked being a dad for a few days.
The Doctor explains the options available to Starfleet members who experience unplanned reproduction, including terminating the pregnancy and what to do if the pregnant person chooses to keep the offspring while on active duty. He also asks people not to abandon their offspring. He directly addresses Admiral Catherine Janeway and Lt. Tom Paris: You should have taken responsibility for your unplanned salamander babies and brought them home. The salamander babies could have been placed for adoption. Instead, you abandoned your salamander babies on a primitive planet to fend for themselves. You’re horrible people.
Dr. Beverly Crusher on romancing noncorporeal entities: If you are going to fuck ghosts, make sure they aren’t malevolent life-force-draining metaphasic entities. Other than hologram sex, ghost sex might be the safest sex of all - no STIs to worry about and low risk of pregnancy. (Except if the noncorporeal entity isn’t a ghost but is an energy being, then you might get pregnant.) Otherwise, as long as it’s consensual, have fun. Don’t let anyone shame you for paranormal sexual encounters.
Dr. Selar on Vulcan Sexuality: A short essay
Dr. Selar reveals all the secrets about Vulcan sexuality in her paper, “Everything You Wanted to Know about Pon Farr but Were Afraid to Ask.” She writes an overview of the biology of pon farr, the hormonal and physical changes, and the psychological effects. Then she spills the tea on Vulcan culture and sex. Dr. Selar doesn’t give a fuck what the groups that enforce strict control over Vulcan society think of her. People want to know, and she’s not afraid to reveal it all.
Publicly to outworlders, Vulcans present a facade of being conservative anti-sex prudes. Vulcans can have romantic relationships and fuck any time they want to. They are kinky motherfuckers. Infinite diversity in infinite combinations (IDIC). What consenting adults do behind closed doors is their business. Vulcan society traditionally presents monogamous heterosexual relationships as the norm. Vulcans are repressed and shame-bound by their biological and emotional urges and are secretive tight-asses who live in fear of being found out. They rarely openly acknowledge the varieties of relationships and spectrum of sexual orientations and gender identities because of outdated oppressive values. [How do I say this?] The philosophy of IDIC is espoused but not adhered to by many. However, younger progressive Vulcans and those who live offworld are more likely to openly accept LGBTQ+ relationships because they believe in and practice IDIC. [QUESTION: How do I word this? Would LGBTQ+ or similar terms still be used in the 24th century?]
What about single people? A culture that teaches repression of emotions and biological urges does not address the needs of people without partners during pon farr. Asexuals are also ignored. However, behind the scenes it’s a different story. Dr. Selar says, “What do you think is going on in those temples?” Pon farr is biological. The imperative to fuck or die is not a consequence of adherence to logic and emotional suppression. Every Vulcan knows this fact. However, they prefer to blush and refuse to discuss it because of societal shame about their race’s violent and savage history. Don’t look behind the curtain. To help those in need during pon farr, Vulcan temples employ sex surrogates. Unbonded and widowed people can go to the temples and have their needs met with sex surrogates. Asexuals can be guided safely through pon farr without shame. [QUESTION: Would asexuals take drugs to stop pon farr? Obviously they would experience the biological process of pon farr. But can it be stopped with drugs?]
What happens to Vulcans who are offworld or away from their partners during pon farr? Dr. Selar reveals the unofficial Starfleet policy for this scenario. Vulcans should arrange leave in advance of their time of pon farr so they can be with their partners or return to Vulcan to visit the temples. A big secret is that some starbases and outposts have Vulcan temples. Dr. Selar cites EMH Doctor’s published report on the inefficacy of holographic sex partners for Vulcans during pon farr. The telepathic bond isn’t possible with holograms. Medical emergencies require inventive solutions. When a Vulcan is unable to take leave or if pon farr occurs unpredictably, the chief medical officer reaches out to the crew to find a sex partner. People with telepathic abilities (even slightly telepathic humans) are the first choices. It’s all consensual. Everybody has a good time.
[IDEA: If they could take drugs to stop pon farr, that negates the need for active duty / offworld crew to take leave.]
Dr. Selar shares her personal experience with Data as her sex partner. For science. Honestly, she wanted to increase the novelty of her sexual encounters, which she described sex with Data as “innovative, bordering on the avant-garde,” and to avoid messy emotional attachments.
