DEANDRA THE NEW GIRL

I dreamed the Pope announced a new deadly sin called 'sluttony' and everybody was really excited to try it.

PLEASURE IS A NECESSARY PART OF HUMAN HEALTH, BOTH PSYCHOLOGICALLY AND PHYSICALLY

this is why you should be eating your chips with salsa and guac instead of beating yourself up for not eating a salad with tomato and avocado (unless you are a salad bitch like me then enjoy both of them!)

I once had a professor SLAM a thermos down on his desk and say to us “there’s more pressure in my sinuses right now than there is at the bottom of the sea. This thing’s full of NyQuil. I’m going to drink it while I teach, and when your heads are replaced by swirling rainbows, I will cancel the rest of class.” The class ended up being 17 minutes long.

Your professor was trying to fight God

I was in a class in undergrad, fellow classmate walks in 20, maybe 30 minutes after class started and slightly out of breath. Professor gives a vague look of curiosity and the kid says “my bad. They set up a bouncy castle outside.” The Professor perks up “there’s a bouncy castle?! Class dismissed!” and straight up ran out of the room. It was a 10am class.

It should 100% be illegal for companies to make you give them your payment information when you sign up for a free trial version of their product. It is not necessary and there is no good fucking reason for them to do it. It’s blatantly just so they can steal forgetful customers’ money.

oh hey, thanks for reminding me to cancel a free trial i had going on.

Reblog to save an unnecessary charge cause it also reminded me to cancel a trial lol

CHOCOLATE MAN BACK AT IT AGAIN

i see any large amount of chocolate and my mind just screams “it’s the fucking chocolate man again”

this bitch knows carpentry, pottery, sculpture, architecture, AND all the chocolate/confectionary skills. what the fuck doesn’t he know?????

when to quit

Whoever wrote Monsters vs Aliens put her whole pussy into it when she made Susan start out as an engaged woman and end the movie as a huge single woman just balling w her bros

Man that movie is a classic fr

“i also choose this guy’s dead wife” was easily the #1 funniest thing to ever be written on the internet.

i do also feel the need to add that phil8248 really liked the joke. he said his wife had always had a dark sense of humour, even about her illness and death, and seeing the joke made him feel like he was laughing with her one last time.