cryptids™ only

good news! your stomach is super dumb! it can’t tell who chewed your food, and if you shove three cups of Qdoba salsa down your throat all your guts are going to see is a boatload of potassium and vitamin A/C!

also this isn’t even some lifehack to trick your brain this is literally how food works, diet/ED and clean-eating culture has fucked us all up and made us believe that fruits and veggies only count if they’re pure, unadulterated & bland, and that by having them with “”“unhealthy”“” things like cheese and salt and bread (or even by blending them together to make them tasty) you’re negating every positive health effect they have - this is bullshit!!! salsa and guac are fruit and veg, and having well-seasoned extremely nutrition-filled veggie-bombs alongside other necessary parts of our diet like dairy fats and carbohydrates is how food is Supposed To Work!!!

I said the above like six years ago and I still get people fuming about it. I said there’s nutrition in everything and they cannot fucking stand that idea because their entire lifestyle is based on shunning things that taste good and feeling smug about it. Hate to say most of you health bozos out there did nothing but torture yourself for nothing.

wearing sky-colored shoes to hide from the devil. earth colored hat to hide from god

i do wish people would relearn the ability to think things are dumb without making up reasons why they’re also evil actually. personal taste doesn’t always have to be a moral stance, the personal isn’t that political. i told my friend i didn’t care for selena gomez the other day and he asked me what she’d done. i don’t fucking know bro i just think her music is boring. im tired

'let people enjoy things' means you gotta also let people just not enjoy things sometimes

I love when dogs and cats just let you pat the shit out of them and they enjoy it so much. Like yeah dude real quick I just need to play you like a bongo and they’re like god yes I’ve been waiting for someone to play me like a bongo

reptiles really went off with basking on warm rocks. i’ve done it before and honestly? it fucks

The best parts of floor time and also warm time

Police vs law enforcement

Look I used to work with tow truck guys and they do not give a fuck. One time the Air Force was doing a recruiting stunt and they decided to bring a plane as like…a prop? I dunno and they parked it in a 20 minute loading zone and 21 minutes later my coworkers IMPOUNDED THE PLANE.

Have you ever had an Air Force general call your office and bitch? He did not expect the tow truck guys.

Nobody expects the tow truck guys

i hate this weird sense of internalized queerphobia of like. being visibly and really loudly queer is somehow immature and childish and one day you’ll grow up and fall into cishet line and stop

OH THANK YOU

You don’t age out of queerness, you don’t have to “grow out of” it either.

good bot

There’s a quiet pleasure about watching expertise in action.

I was trying to explain to my grandma what being bisexual meant and saying that I looked at ladies butts and she was all “You’re not GAY everyone checks out ladies rear ends” and my sister was like “I have never wanted to look at a ladies butt” Later my grandma called me and was like “I THINK I MIGHT BE A LITTLE GAY”

BEST GRANDMA STORY

personally I think that other sites straight up lying about tumblr is even funnier than the original content.

Never tell people which fictional men you think are hot you ARE giving them free ammunition