fix your hearts or die

all color picked/referenced from actual selfies i took ages 10-12. i am a bit nervous to post this but i know that i am very much not alone in this experience. to be given positive sexual attention when you are so insecure about your body at this young age... i knew i wasn't supposed to be sending nudes to anyone, but the attention was so addicting that i did anyway.

it's hard to allow myself to categorize this as trauma or abuse or coercion when i played such an active role at the time. i would search out shady chat sites and lie about my age to people who i knew had untoward intentions because the praise and attention was such a powerful feeling. it made me feel so special when adults told me i looked older than i was, that i was "already so sexy" even though i was so young.

i can only remember the people who exuded kindness and patience with me and made me feel like everything was on my terms, and blocking anyone who made me genuinely uncomfortable, so was it really that wrong? i could have said no. i could have just blocked them, it was only all online after all. there was no danger in closing the chat window, but i did it all anyway. so aren't i the one responsible?

obviously, no, i was a child, and it was the responsibility of the adults to not fucking groom a child and ask for nudes from a child. but still. it's something i struggle with a lot. even now, the only things i feel when i think about these interactions are mild shame and guilt on my end, not anger or resentment towards the adults involved. mostly, it just makes me feel very empty.