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A monk based on a European Christian archetype. They have sworn a sacred oath to defeat the giant snail plaguing the countryside.

A dragonborn desperately trying to convince the party that they’re really an aarakocra with a skin condition that made their feathers fall out.

Your standard horny bard, but they play a washboard. 

A sentient hat piloting a mannequin.

A dark elf who’s afraid of the dark, and terrified of spiders.

A peasant farmer who joined the adventure because they’re going through a midlife crisis and want to ~find themself.~

A druid who got involved because they’re the party’s weed dealer.

https://ballotpedia.org/Presidential_candidates,_2020

yo dog I heard you like people over politics, so this person’s running in the people over the politics political party during a political election.

Step 1: choose one religion for your national party

- forgot his own name

- found a damsel in distress and stole her ring. when asked she described him to her husband as ‘a strange-looking man’, which is an understatement given that he was wearing armour he made himself out of sticks.

- his unbelievably melodramatic response to a guy not wanting to sell him a horse:

- accidentally sold his soul to a demon in a dream. not to avenge the tragic deaths of his parents and his six brothers, or anything similarly heroic. this is the continuing saga of sir perceval trying to obtain a horse. this time he did technically succeed, but the horse the demon gave him was evil and tried to kill him. it took him a while of ‘this is probably fine and not something i need to give any thought to’ before he even noticed.

- was chosen to have the holy grail revealed to him due to the purity of his soul, which involved many extremely bizarre things happening in the court in front of him, and he was just like ‘… okay. anyway i’m going to bed’ (this broke the world for a while because he was supposed to ask.)

- promised his aunt he’d never have sex and did actually manage to keep that promise, but very nearly fucked the actual devil (this is specific to the grail cycle - in the welsh he does try to seduce a girl, but loses interest the moment she returns his affection. lots of women fall in love with him without him being interested or even necessarily noticing, though, which on one occasion results in him being made emperor of constantinople. he seems a bit confused by this, but not as confused as you’d expect, especially given that frankly he just seems a bit confused all the time.)

- found a wild lion, went ‘hey, my buddy yvain has a pet lion, so probably all lions are friendly’ and decided to cuddle it instead of fighting it (again, this is in the grail cycle. in the welsh ‘peredur’ he kills the lion, because it’s an aggressive wild animal and that is the sensible response.)

- got put in jail for being too attractive. kept escaping to go fight wicked knights, but returned and locked himself back up every time he did, because he’s a Man Of Honour.

- lost a game of chess even though he wasn’t even playing against anyone. threw a tantrum and chucked the board in a lake.

- went adventuring to avoid his responsibilities for ~seven years, leaving his sole surviving sister in charge of the castle he was supposed to be looking after, which resulted in her turning up at various points in different stories going ‘hey guys has anyone seen my useless fucking brother’ (but usually nicer - the welsh ‘ystorya seint greal’ gets points for her being super done with the whole thing and spending half the time criticising arthur so harshly that he starts crying)

- in ‘la queste del saint graal’ when she finally finds him we have this beautiful moment

- his sister’s ‘i love him but GOD he’s stupid’

- lancelot: ‘one time he punched me in the face and it was awesome’ gawain: ‘god i wish that were me’

- straight up stabs a dude, doesn’t realise it’ll kill him. this results in the death of his father and brothers. woops.

- woman gets obsessed with him and decides to cut his head off (he’s a little evil magnet)

- kills a dude and doesn’t even realise. keeps talking to the body. tells it ‘don’t go anywhere’.

- finally figures out the guy’s dead, tries to loot the body, rolls a natural one on the investigation check.

- a very accurate footnote from the editor

- NO MERCY PERCEVAL, holy shit

- this one isn’t actually about perceval but what the fuck

But this… This is something else.

The rapidity of a meme’s introduction to its zenith to its decline is so rapid that in ten years, you’ll need a damn twenty-page manual to explain this. It’ll be as unfunny and hard to explain as jokes in Shakespeare plays, except even more inexplicable because fuck, at least Shakespeare’s jokes are usually about anal or fucking your mother, good wholesome sex jokes we can all get behind.

ok let me see if i can break this down easily. YMCA is the easiest place to start - the song itself has become a meme over time with people changing the lyrics to reference other pop cultural events. so YMCA is meme one (1)

this first lyric replacement (”take the breadsticks and run”) is a reference to the tumblr meme ‘stuffing breadsticks into my purse’. i think everyone remembers that one so i wont bother to explain it. that’s meme two (2)

“man door hand hook car door” is a meme of its own, a creepypasta from i dont remember when. it was a terrible stupid retelling of the generic ‘stuck in a car while hook handed man tries to kill us’ story so the stupid title caught on for memorability. that in and of itself is meme three (3)

‘gun’ is… yeah i dont know how to explain gun. long story short you add gun to the end of a phrase instead of what you expect the last word to be. its shock funny. its everywhere but its popular to add to “man door hand hook car door” for.. some reason? gun is meme four (4)

and the thing is, this four meme combo is something thats gone around before. meme combos are, itself, a meme. which means taking this meme combo and mixing in another meme actually becomes meme five (5)

which leaves us at loss.jpg. loss.jpg was a terrible bad comic supposed to be about some tragic event, but it was presented so poorly literally no one takes it seriously, and for some reason recreating the four-panel setup has become popular. so thats meme six (6)

But this… This is something else.

The rapidity of a meme’s introduction to its zenith to its decline is so rapid that in ten years, you’ll need a damn twenty-page manual to explain this. It’ll be as unfunny and hard to explain as jokes in Shakespeare plays, except even more inexplicable because fuck, at least Shakespeare’s jokes are usually about anal or fucking your mother, good wholesome sex jokes we can all get behind.

ok let me see if i can break this down easily. YMCA is the easiest place to start - the song itself has become a meme over time with people changing the lyrics to reference other pop cultural events. so YMCA is meme one (1)

this first lyric replacement (”take the breadsticks and run”) is a reference to the tumblr meme ‘stuffing breadsticks into my purse’. i think everyone remembers that one so i wont bother to explain it. that’s meme two (2)

“man door hand hook car door” is a meme of its own, a creepypasta from i dont remember when. it was a terrible stupid retelling of the generic ‘stuck in a car while hook handed man tries to kill us’ story so the stupid title caught on for memorability. that in and of itself is meme three (3)

‘gun’ is… yeah i dont know how to explain gun. long story short you add gun to the end of a phrase instead of what you expect the last word to be. its shock funny. its everywhere but its popular to add to “man door hand hook car door” for.. some reason? gun is meme four (4)

and the thing is, this four meme combo is something thats gone around before. meme combos are, itself, a meme. which means taking this meme combo and mixing in another meme actually becomes meme five (5)

which leaves us at loss.jpg. loss.jpg was a terrible bad comic supposed to be about some tragic event, but it was presented so poorly literally no one takes it seriously, and for some reason recreating the four-panel setup has become popular. so thats meme six (6)

Whatever she had planned for them didn’t pan out, but she never ordered her minions to stop collecting them; by the time it became clear that the project was a no-go, expectations had already been set, and when you’re the Queen of the Fairies you can’t very well admit to having a bad idea.

(Everyone’s a little worried about the Baron of Autumn, who specializes in bespoke Orphan’s Tears.) 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fourth_Geneva_Convention#Collective_punishments

and according to the exact legal phrasing-

No protected person may be punished for an offense he or she has not personally committed. Collective penalties and likewise all measures of intimidation or of terrorism are prohibited.

Well one day back in…I think Summer between 2010-2012? my younger sister and I had nothing to do but play Runescape in our free time. I did what all aspiring heroes do, I was happy to go out and commit mass goblin murder. My sister was more creative. At first she went to train Smithing in Al Kharid, which is this desert area with easy access to iron, coal, a player bank, and a smelter. So basically she made craploads of steel for hours on end for like a week. But then she realized she had nothing to do with the steel. She could go find a smith with an anvil and train Smithing further, but that was boring since she’d already been grinding forever. So she went to the Grand Exchange and sold it all. 

Thousands of units of steel ingots. 

And it sold like immediately, since there was always a large amount of people training Smithing at the level they could use steel.

Obviously she became fabulously wealthy and didn’t know what to do with her newfound wealth. But since she spent a lot of time at the Exchange, she knew basically how the market worked. I’m not 100% sure on what the thought process was for her, but she essentially realized a basic economic principle: If she could control the supply and demand for steel she could accelerate her profit margins. 

So like any reasonable 12-14 year old, she bought out about twice as much steel as she sold. Flooding the market had almost halved the price, and she now was both the supply and demand. Of course, as a result of some mystery person buying tons of steel, the price went up again. So she went and sold it at the higher price. She spent about another week or two playing Carnegie before it got old and she retired to Lumbridge with fat stacks of gold and the finest armor money could buy (but she couldn’t wear due to low Defense level).