Yawgmoth's Day Planner

The first three are from Assyrian merchants during the Old Assyrian Colony period (approx. 1900-1700 BC). The rest are from the Hittite kingdom (approx. 1700-1200 BC). The last five were written by members of the Hittite royal family. All translations are my own.

Tell Amur-ilī he needs to know how to be respectful. He shouldn’t just think about bread and beer. He needs to be a grown man.

Why do you keep writing to me: the fabrics you send me each time aren’t good! Who is the person who lives in your house and who speaks badly of my fabrics when they’re put in front of him?

What have I done to you that you want to cause my ruin so badly?

Look, I don’t have any good oil to rub myself with.

Why do you keep not sending me my messengers back? Are your servants too tired?

Are my servants garbage?

Was that enemy bewitched, so that you didn’t recognise him?

When my messenger came back from you, my dear brother, why didn’t you write me a greeting? Now look, I’m angry with you!

Lušiwali harnessed my chariot and then he wrecked it!

If someone else had relocated your household, wouldn’t you be angry?

(from the queen to the king) My head and back are sore, that’s still how they are.

When messengers went to visit the princess of Babylon who was given to Egypt, they were left standing outside the palace!

(to Ramses II of Egypt) Is nothing available to my brother? Only if the son of the Sungod or the son of the Stormgod have nothing, or if the sea has nothing, do you have nothing!

About this thing you wrote to me: may my lord write back to me to tell me if he liked the birds I sent to my lord, and I will start sending them regularly. The birds you sent me were rotten.

this is the purest video you will see all day, it includes not only practical advice on how to make cats feel comfortable but also:

the most patient and long suffering clawdia

bob ross, but a vet 

squish the cat

squish the cat, but with a towel

absolute unit mr. pirate

a little chubby but quite beautiful

I had to help him up on my shoulders because he’s never done it himself before. But once I got him up there I squished him, he started purring like nobody’s business. I carried him around our entire apartment, up and down staircases, and he was so happy. He didn’t try to leave once! When I put him down he head butted me and meowed and was super affectionate. And of course I gave him a treat.

China’s netizens are all in a twitter over the account of a carpenter who was commissioned to make a cinnabar red high-backed chair with the finials at the top to be “in the shape of dragons’ heads” (chéng lóngtóu 成龍頭).  Unfortunately, he misinterpreted the directions to mean “[in the shape of] Jackie Chan’s head” (“Chénglóng tóu 成龍頭”).

The thing you need to understand about Chinese names is that they all have meaning. And I don’t mean that in the sense of “if you trace the etymology back through two languages it has its roots in a Hebrew phrase that means “God is my ____” that many Western names have. I mean that in the sense of “almost all of these words are still in regular use today and my parents very literally named me “pretty [and] wise” in Chinese.

(Sidenote: This is why we get annoyed at made-up ‘Chinese’ names that just pull two random vaguely Chinese-sounding syllables together. It is blindingly obvious when it’s not a real name).

成 (chéng) means “to become”, “to turn into”. 龍 (lóng) is “dragon”. Thus, Jackie Chan’s Chinese stage name,  成龍 (Chénglóng), literally means “become dragon”. (頭 (tóu), of course, means “head”)  

(Further sidenote: This is actually a bit of a pun/reference. Specifically, it is a reference to Bruce Lee, whose stage name was 小龍 (Xiǎolóng), or, “Little dragon”. So Jackie’s chosen stage name means both “become dragon”, and “become [like] Bruce Lee”)

The other thing you need to know about Chinese is that we don’t put spaces between terms in written text.

To begin with, take some flour

Ah, no, the flour is sleeping. Let’s not bother her, she might bite

“how’s life going?”