i‘m the one that you love & the one who loves you

when he was crashing out about trading to ottawa, he said, "You know, it's just gonna be really hard to leave melissa," and hayden was sitting right there like. "melissa?? it's gonna be hard to leave MELISSA??"

melissa barging into ottawa's offices and just handing over a contract for her employment.

"um, excuse me, ma'am, who ar-"

"i have kept shane hollander alive and fed his for almost his entire nhl career, and i have invested too much time to stop now."

"but ma'am, we-"

"no more questions. sign."

obviously she's a dietician with a specialty in athletes which means the primary concerns of her patients are 1. need All The Fucking Calories and 2. need All The Fucking Protein, but in my heart, she is the flavor of dietician who focuses also on enjoyment and satiety (fun fact: you actually digest food better and get more nutrition out of food you like eating). like you're going to eventually get sick of how much you have to eat by the time you're 3/4 of the way through the season, but by GOD WILL SHE TRY TO MAKE THINGS ENJOYABLE AS LONG AS SHE CAN.

so she meets 20 year old shane who already comes into this meeting apologetic because he KNOWS this is all specific and it's a pain to have aversions when he already has allergies to work around, so he doesn't mind a lot of repetition when-

and melissa is just ✋ i did not put in the work to get this degree only to suck at this job. let's talk texture preferences.

shane the day melissa finds out her dietetic magnum opus is out here RECREATIONALLY POISONING HIMSELF like she doesn't have a fucking DOSSIER on his ass crafted over YEARS of trial and error and research and innovation

SHE HAND-SELECTS MENUS BASED ON HOW STRESSED YOU ARE AT ANY GIVEN POINT IN THE SEASON AND BASED ON THE WIN/LOSS BALANCE OF THE TEAM BECAUSE ANXIETY MAKES YOU NAUSEOUS SO YOU NEED ADJUSTED FLAVOR PROFILES AND THE SECOND YOU'RE OUT OF HER DIRECT SUPERVISION, YOU FUCK AROUND????

my tags and then @meghan-maria's tags because i have received wisdom from the great beyond that shane was SO apologetic and so ready to just take whatever melissa picked for him that she actively has him report back on the meals with what he thinks about them and if he liked them or not and what he would want to change because she wants to encourage healthy ideas about food and being able to enjoy them and not having to apologize for "melissa, please don't make me eat quinoa the texture is Bad melissa i am so tired of quinoa", WHICH MEANS.

shane has a snapchat that is ONLY to send melissa his meals and thoughts. she is the only person he has on there. he sends them to her daily with his thoughts after he eats his mealpreps and snacks.

but this ALSO means that when he gets drunk, brain is still going "gotta tell melissa". and i am CACKLING at the idea of shane out with the team after the first cup win sending a fucking. BARELY in frame, very blurry because he can't hold the phone still, can barely hear him over the noise of the bar video on snapchat that's just, "mmmm so. oh, hi melissa! it's shane. ummmm so there's fries, which are potatoes, so one of the highest satiety factors but fried so ummm i don't know. also there's mushrooms" *the fastest and blurriest camera pan of all time that maybe showed fried mushrooms and maybe didn't because there is truly no way to tell* "but umm. gross. i had a sandwich. it was-hayden what was the sandwich?" *equally drunk hayden making this video even more motion sickness to watch as he grabs shane and shakes him a little bit* "it was FUCKING DELICIOUS, BUDDY. that's what it was!" "no, hayd! this is for melissa. i have to tell her." (he does not. shane, baby, the season is over and this is you eating bar food). "oh, it was chicken and something." "melissa, it was chicken and something. and it had avocado so bad, but i got cheese. fat with protein. okay bye. oh also salad. because fiber, and, um, micronutrients. okay bye."

melissa saves it and it is her favorite thing to watch on hard days when she needs to laugh.

spreading the good word of @ilyapasta

"You try the steak rub, Bood? Good, yes? Yuna is a queen, I know. Yes, next weekend is good for barbecue, if weather holds. Littlest Pikes might visit, we will see."

"She will jump through the hoop on ground, why not 4 inches up?? So frustrating. Shane says to use real bacon for treats, maybe then, but is so salty. Nitrites too, you know. Bad for her. No, have not baked her special treats, Troy! What?? Recipe, now!"

"Shanya has new glasses. Very sexy. Even without them he can see puck better than 47, though, on wing? This man is terrible, yes? Is not entirely his fault, probably, Columbus is mostly very bad. Look at stupid tape job, though. Ugh."

"I want syrniki after game. You want? I have made you syrniki, Luca. Little pancakes. Yes, very, very good. Okay, not tonight, but come over on Saturday, we will have syrniki and force Shane to eat it too. Yessssssss, okayokay, good plan."

Examples of Shane quotes from his mic'd up games:

"Jesus FUCKING Christ what the FUCK is wrong with the Dallas refs holy SHITTING ass. Can they not fucking see their own fucking asses? Do they need fucking Lasik?"

"I am going to goddamn disembowel the next person who chirps us about the FUCKING baby shower. That shit was cute and Cassie fucking loved it. Come the fuck on, it's what fucking year? Men can throw baby showers, shit. Get over yourselves, assholes."

"He thinks he's hot shit, yeah, with ugly fucking edges like that. Fuuuucking ridiculous, am I right? What a motherfucking joke. Let's run a train on his ass next shift, you fucking in?"

"Dyks, I fucking love you, man, that shit was insane, so fucking dope. Yeah, yeah, I know Hazy loved it too. Broke their shit right up, they thought they had a lane, hahaha! As fucking if with you on the ice, bro. Nice. Fucking nice."

Ilya: Suburban Dad who plays some rec league, maybe

BlueOctopus9283 (MTL - MLH) : What is GM Mercier even doing? Does Hollander want $14.5m AAV? Does he want the whole team to get on his weird diet? Does he want a blowjob? I'll fucking do it.

> Silphic (Germany - IIHF) : I also choose this guy's captain

> captaincattery (MTL - MLH) : Hollander loves this team, he's always said he wants to retire a Metro, whatever's going on if he walks this is a GENERATIONAL fumble

> NewtonianLiquid (OTT - MLH) : thank god someone else is having a worse time than us right now

> carrot-cake-69 : That report about Vegas packaging Fabri + Johnston + three (!!) firsts for a top center gets more real every day

ilya initiates the flirting and shane immediately hits the "ilya nooooo 🥰 we have people coming over 🥰 they'll be here in thirty minutes 🥰 noooooo 🥰," and ilya immediately pulls back and goes, "okay."

and shane is just 🤨 excuse me 🤨 what are you doing? 🤨

and ilya just you said no, dorogoy. and you are right. there is no time. people are coming over so soon.