wander lost

i was already bullied and ostracised in high school when i made the mistake of sharing my teenage fanfiction and writing in general with someone who was nice to me and showed interest. they thanked me for trusting them enough to let myself be vulnerable and sharing my art, however clumsy and unflattering, with them by spreading it around the rest of the school, leading to me being publicly humiliated and shamed more intensely and unable to bring myself to create anything for years, and feeling bitterly jealous of anyone who dared to try.

i still struggle to show people my work unless i feel that it's unimpeachably good enough to "make up" for the fact that i made it, and grapple with feelings of impotence and guilty self-loathing when interacting with the other people's creations, no matter how much i love them and/or the people who made them, more than a decade after the event. i watch people day after day publicly shame each other for the thoughtless, temporary relief of being able to say "i'm glad that that's not happening to me". i learned the hard way just how devastating it is to have something you created carelessly tossed around for anyone to use as a cudgel to bludgeon you with shame, even if you shared it publicly in the first place with the understanding that it would be seen and judged by other people. it's not something i intend to put anyone else through for the utterly harmless act of making something that fails to impress me personally. it's cruel and pointless, and i know better. and if i really passionately need to complain and vent some frustration using some trivial source or irritation as a conduit, as we all do sometimes, i have private community spaces like group chats and hangouts with friends where i can express my feelings and we can all have a good laugh about it without anyone needing to get hurt.

And from this I’ve always drawn two conclusions:

To always distrust Mr. Beast and his ilk who always want their acts of charity done on film, because the people who really want to do good and have no motives to do it besides the doing it never want recognition for it, and

My orthodontist tells me I can make an appointment with the surgeon. I call the surgeon. They tell me I need a new referral. I call the orthodontist. They do a referral. I call the surgeon. Referral didn't come through. They tell me about their special unique system we have to use. I call the ortho again and walk them through the referral. I call the surgeon. They say the referral was missing some details so they have to do it again. I call the ortho.

The insurance company calls me about repair shops. I give them the name of the repair shop which I already gave them yesterday. They say they're not in their system but I can use them, but I have to call the repair shop to ask them to contact the insurance company. I call the repair shop and they say the insurance company is supposed to email them.

anyway I did cry while we drove home from the wedding just because no one was like... mad at me. at my friend's wedding. which is deranged, because why would anyone be mad at you for being at your friend's wedding when they invited you to attend their wedding. like lol what. anyway