As disappointing as it is, I did decide to give up. I've been through 17 days of pure hell only to discover that my bipolar will not allow this until I have stable medical care. Which will require being hired by the job I'm contracting at. Which will be decided in October or November.
I'm disappointed. I was on Day 17. I made it through the hardest part. I stuck it out. I tried so, so hard. But I can't do this. I was in the psych ward less than a year ago. I'm still recovering from the worst nervous breakdown of my life. It's been shocking how long this process has taken. And on top of that, I'm transitioning meds.
It's all connected. I'm transitioning meds because of the panic attacks. I had the heart monitor on for two weeks because of the panic attacks. I tried to quit smoking because of the panic attacks. Now my doctor is refusing to fill my rescue meds for panic attacks.
I will never forgive life for forcing me to live in the American healthcare system. Sometimes I want to just live in the hospital. Half a lifetime ago I was in the hospital for over a month and they told me I should stay. Sometimes I think about what that would have been like.
Next time I won't go cold turkey. I'll do the NRT. I wanted to be all gung ho and get the suffering done with, but I can't handle it.
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