monarch of sickfic

I personally hate any kind morality thought policing. I'm not Catholic or religious and I do not feel guilty over my thoughts. You are not an inherently evil person because you saw two athletes in an interview and went "Hmmm...... what if...." The Feds are not going to come banging down your door because you wrote about one band member dicking down the other and sent it to your friend.

Wondering about other people's lives is very human. Being nosy about their personal lives is very normal. People have been writing fiction about other people's lives since the dawn of time. Some people even manage to write New York Times Bestselling Books that are "historical fiction" or "alternate reality." It does not make you inherently bad to be curious about the details of someone's personal life. That's being human. Being nosy is kind of fun.

The problem, however, comes with the ways in which people engage with it, and involve the real people in this. Harassing an musician's real girlfriend because it doesn't fit into the RPF ship. Showing up at real sporting events holding signs about how certain teammates should kiss. Trying to get actors to sign art of them fucking their coworker. Flooding social media with comments using the celebrity's full name and speculation. There's a line, there's a fourth wall, and there's fandom etiquette.

I hate the question of "Is RPF ethical" because it feels like morality thought policing. Post your fics on locked accounts, censor someone's name when you tweet about it, blow up your groupchat with hundreds of "DID YOU SEE THE WAY THEY LOOKED AT EACH OTHER??" texts. It's not inherently evil to wonder what other people are doing when they're out of the spotlight. Kill the cop in your mind.

Art Reward - Temeraire

"The world is not divided into countries. The world is not divided between East and West. You are American, I am Iranian, we don’t know each other, but we talk together and we understand each other perfectly. The difference between you and your government is much bigger than the difference between you and me. And the difference between me and my government is much bigger than the difference between me and you. And our governments are very much the same"

(referencing this post)

this is so cute and so funny and i am enjoying shane's embarrassment and despair at the hands of his concerned and loving family so much

david very helpfully volunteers that "the tilapia, uh.... cheated on you? since last time? they said they changed the recipe for the breading and now it has almonds."

shane puts his head in his hands like "maybe anaphylaxis would be better than this. i'm not even that hungry."

"shane! there's no need to be so dramatic," yuna says.

ilya, ever the helpful menace, has a suggestion. "lyubimyy, we ordered loving appetizers for the table to share. you and i could split a main dish as well? it will be like a threeso—"

shane stands up, tells the waitress "i am so sorry for the delay. i'll have the salmon salad without croutons," and goes to use the bathroom for A Moment Of Peace, Please God Above

having a waitress memorize his entire list of allergens and adopt the colloquialisms his family uses to refer to them feels like it goes a good deal beyond that, however. he can not believe this is happening to him. thank god this hasn't been leaked to social media.

i feel like shane would fucking DIE of humiliation if it happened, but the idea of a video going viral that's just the two of them slightly out of frame at an event and at a distance, so what the camera catches is shane takes a bite of a cookie, ilya turns and goes, "no! spit it out *muffled audio* slut. bad." and shane immediately grabs a napkin and spits it out, and then ilya puts a hand on his back and the two of them walk out of the room very fast.

and the reaction online is oh my GOD??? ilya rozanov treats him like this??? what an ASSHOLE?? controlling what he eats?? calling him a SLUT IN PUBLIC?? BECAUSE HE WANTED A *COOKIE*??? and then making him LEAVE???

and how do you even START to explain, "no, my husband has food allergies, and it's an ongoing joke that food loves him or is a slut and will kill him. he thought the cookie was one of the safe ones we requested catering to have, but it was one of the ones from a multi-pack i saw earlier, and there were peanut butter cookies near it, and saying the cookie is a slut was the fastest way to communicate that he needed to spit it out NOW so he could go rinse his mouth out."

@ilyapasta okay but no WHAT IF he does wear it because he might be 🤷‍♂️ about his allergies but he's not actually reckless, right? so he has a bracelet that he wears when he's not at the rink because obviously that's an injury risk and the medical team knows so it's fine. but he never wears any other jewellery except maybe one of his fancy watches which are sponsorship obligations, so Ilya does catch on like okay, must be special, must be important to him, because he wears his mama's cross and maybe Hollander also has someone he wants to keep close like that.

I think the very first time Shane and Ilya hook up Shane doesn't say anything. Part of the pre-hook up montage in this universe includes him stashing epi-pens in as many places as possible, just in case he needs one. Put on the suit, take off the suit, stash an epi-pen under the throw pillow on the hotel room armchair because he doesn't know anything about gay sex, maybe it's a chair sort of activity. (There are also epi-pens stashed: under the bed pillows, in the shower, in the bathroom drawer, on the floor of the closet, under the bed on the floor, and in his sweatpants pocket). He's doing something crazy and uncharacteristic, why not go even crazier and more uncharacteristic and not be up front about his food allergies.

But after that, once it becomes clear to Shane this is going to be a regular thing, he's gonna start asking. Like, they're pushing each other around right after shutting the door, both of them horny and turned on and they know what's coming, and then Shane's like "Hey btw, you eat any Reese's Peanut Butter Cups today? Anything with nuts in it?" and Ilya's like wtf but he's so fucking horny so he's like "Uh no, I do not think so. Can we fuck now?"

The one time Ilya says he had a new brand of granola bar with peanuts in it Shane won't let them kiss, but he does let Ilya eat him out and then goes down on Ilya so intensely Ilya sees stars for several minutes after, so whatever, Shane's quirky, Shane's neurotic, if he doesn't want Ilya to eat peanuts before they meet up Ilya will stop eating peanuts, and Ilya's not going to think too hard about it because that might mean thinking too hard about why, exactly, he's so willing not to eat a Snickers bar if it means getting to kiss Shane Hollander.

(Afterwards Shane has to scrub every part of his skin that had Ilya's mouth on it down in the shower, including douching again, just in case, because maybe the feeling under his skin is pleasure or maybe it's the start of hives breaking out, but it's so fucking worth it).

@ilyapasta okay but no WHAT IF he does wear it because he might be 🤷‍♂️ about his allergies but he's not actually reckless, right? so he has a bracelet that he wears when he's not at the rink because obviously that's an injury risk and the medical team knows so it's fine. but he never wears any other jewellery except maybe one of his fancy watches which are sponsorship obligations, so Ilya does catch on like okay, must be special, must be important to him, because he wears his mama's cross and maybe Hollander also has someone he wants to keep close like that.

I think the very first time Shane and Ilya hook up Shane doesn't say anything. Part of the pre-hook up montage in this universe includes him stashing epi-pens in as many places as possible, just in case he needs one. Put on the suit, take off the suit, stash an epi-pen under the throw pillow on the hotel room armchair because he doesn't know anything about gay sex, maybe it's a chair sort of activity. (There are also epi-pens stashed: under the bed pillows, in the shower, in the bathroom drawer, on the floor of the closet, under the bed on the floor, and in his sweatpants pocket). He's doing something crazy and uncharacteristic, why not go even crazier and more uncharacteristic and not be up front about his food allergies.

But after that, once it becomes clear to Shane this is going to be a regular thing, he's gonna start asking. Like, they're pushing each other around right after shutting the door, both of them horny and turned on and they know what's coming, and then Shane's like "Hey btw, you eat any Reese's Peanut Butter Cups today? Anything with nuts in it?" and Ilya's like wtf but he's so fucking horny so he's like "Uh no, I do not think so. Can we fuck now?"

The one time Ilya says he had a new brand of granola bar with peanuts in it Shane won't let them kiss, but he does let Ilya eat him out and then goes down on Ilya so intensely Ilya sees stars for several minutes after, so whatever, Shane's quirky, Shane's neurotic, if he doesn't want Ilya to eat peanuts before they meet up Ilya will stop eating peanuts, and Ilya's not going to think too hard about it because that might mean thinking too hard about why, exactly, he's so willing not to eat a Snickers bar if it means getting to kiss Shane Hollander.

(Afterwards Shane has to scrub every part of his skin that had Ilya's mouth on it down in the shower, including douching again, just in case, because maybe the feeling under his skin is pleasure or maybe it's the start of hives breaking out, but it's so fucking worth it).

- Ilya gets a sunburn during the first cottage summer and neither of them realize it until Ilya is taking his shirt off that night and Shane sees the lobster-red flush across his shoulders. He sucks in a hiss through his teeth and says, "Oh, baby, ouch," and presses the big, broad pads of his fingertips so tenderly to Ilya's shoulder and Ilya has to close his eyes because he feels like he's going to crack apart.

- When he answers the phone and he's alone. "Hi baby," said so softly if it's been a long day. Or a hard one. Or if it's late. "Hey baby," more energetically, usually in the morning, in a way that reminds Ilya of how his teammates answer the phone to their girlfriends and wives. Masculine and jockish and very North American in a way that makes Ilya feel pleased for Shane, in a weird way.

- Glass on the floor in the kitchen. Ilya blindly following the sound of the shatter and not really even thinking about it until he's standing amongst the shards and Shane is gesturing frantically with the broom. "Put on some fucking shoes, baby, please! Fuck, where are your slides--no, don't move, I'll get them--"

- Said gently, as a question, on days when he perhaps stays in bed longer than can be justified by sleepiness.

- "Hey, baby," said some mornings when Ilya comes downstairs dressed for the day and Shane really likes his outfit. Usually an indication that Ilya will not be wearing those clothes for very long.

- In bed less often than you'd think. Really a vanilla sex only thing, because being called baby can sometimes bring Ilya out of it when he's really in the groove. But Shane will lose it a little sometimes, when Ilya says, "Tell me you like it," and Shane says, "Yes baby fuck fuck I like it fuck please don't stop fuck baby please let me cum" and that's. Very good. Obviously.

- Said with a very particular warning lilt and only AFTER Shane has already said, "Ilya." and then, "Rozanov." In the same tone. This is actually one of only two circumstances where the very elusive 'babe' comes into play. If Shane REALLY wants Ilya to stop whatever he's doing or saying, it's a hand around the wrist and the word, "Babe," quiet but firm. And it does shut Ilya up approximately 100% of the time.

- Other instance of 'babe': Any sort of crowd. 'Ilya' is three syllables (Because Shane...pronounces it a bit wrong.) and unique enough that Shane sometimes worries about drawing attention. 'Babe' is one syllable and can be barked above the crowd in the Captain Hollander voice loud enough that Ilya will have no choice but to hear him if he's within the surrounding 500 feet. They have Marco-Polo'd themselves back to each other with 'BABE' and 'SHANE' multiple times in multiple countries.

- One time someone accidently brings several bottles of fortified wine to the barbecue. It's quite high proof for wine and several people get tipsier than normal, including Shane. Halfway through the evening he puts his head on Ilya's shoulder and plays with his fingers and murmurs, "My baby," into the seam of his shirt and Ilya, looking down at him so fondly, says, "Yes. Yours. Drink some water for me, sweetheart."