we are not meant to be alone

LAMARQUE EST MORT *Disco music intensifies*

the idea that hollander "tamed" rozanov is really funny to shane because like. ilya finds it hot and is always going along with it, yes of course my husband is so sexy why do you think i moved to this boring fucking city. for dick. meanwhile shane knows the truth which is that ilya tamed himself. he herded shane like a sheepdog until he was exactly in the right position for ilya to flop down at his feet and say i love you, i am a one man guy, sleep with other people if you want but you are it for me, so shane is always there like ??? ilya. what are you talking about. i was literally prepared to be a secret slot on your roster for the rest of time without even admitting that i was gay until you decided to have me over make me lunch and say my name while you come like a love confession and ilya goes lyubmiyy. shut up. i was untamable you tamed the untamable and so shane has to be like yes, baby, i worked so hard, i used all my tricks but he's rolling his eyes because ilya wants to be a wolf shane coaxed inside to sleep on the hearth but instead he's a cat who snuck through the window and fell in love with his prey. self domesticated. and this is just one of the many perfect games they play

did the virgin mary ever have sex after the whole virgin birth thing. like i I were her, a young girl barely an adult and I got pregnant and had a little holy boy id be like "well obviously abstinence doesn't work. i might as well let my husband hit it. especially since hes been such a good sport and believed me when I told him the baby belonged to god and he didnt accuse me of cheating. we both deserve this"

You'd think people who follow a religion where one of the main tenets of faith is that literally the most righteous and perfect man possible got sentenced to execution by imperial occupation forces and died horribly after many hours of torture would be immune to the "good things happen to good people, if you're unhappy it's probably your own fault" kinda thinking, and yet

people in books and tv shows are always getting so upset they throw an untouched meal in the trash. that would never be me. i'd receive the worst news of my life and still be like Let me put this in the fridge.

“Cook at home to save money” sounds all well and good until you get a little too into it and suddenly you’re bookmarking recipes that call for The Preserved Grace of God and that shit is $13 at the specialty store

be pro-aging but wear sun screen. sun protection is not beauty industry propaganda it will save you. wear it. or else.

can't wait to say "during pride month?" at every minor inconvenience all of next month

puttering around the house is an underrated form a self-care. make some tea or coffee. put on a podcast. sort the mail. tidy some pillows and fold some blankets. start the laundry. thaw some soup. just casually wander around aimlessly doing little things to make your space and life a little nicer. who cares if you get distracted or only do a little. you aren't being productive. you're puttering.

@apocrypals

Hi, pope expert here. This isn’t funny — popes only do this when they’re in extreme distress

I'm sending this to my best friend who's uncle is best friends with the pope. They have a whole folder worth of funny pope memes to show him the next time they get to hang out. This just made the cut.