Wait- what?

Prior to the 20th century, most couples engaged in courting politics to find their partners, and there were a lot of rules about how to properly court your intended partner. So I figured I’d put out a guide to proper romancing etiquette for those setting their stories in more antiquated settings. But a lot of these courtship practices don’t work as well for same-sex relationships. So, I’ll go through some of the rules for courtship that apply to any story that wants to use courting romances, then I’ll explore ways this could work for a queer couple.

Gender Dynamics in Queer Courtships

Gender is a HUGE aspect of courtship, as the expectations of men and women were starkly different. This leaves queer couples with two choices: either conform to the gender roles, or make the roles more generalized that both parties are expected to uphold. Whichever route you take, be consistent. Not just with queer couples but heterosexual ones as well. If a lesbian barmaid can chase skirts, why can’t a heterosexual seamstress chase chaps?

If you choose to lean into gender roles and active vs passive roles in courtship, I believe it is best to leave it that the one of higher social status takes on the role of the female, as it would be uncouth for a Duke to be chasing lowly Viscounts. Those looking for a higher status husband should be the one working to win the Duke’s affections. While one could argue that the one of higher status should be the active pursuer, the thought of a queen chasing skirts simply fails to capture the regal dignity of the position when we think on it. It seems more in line with the properness and decorum of the era to have the elite have the suitors come to them.

Even if you do away with the gender roles in favor of gender equality in relationships, social status and rank would still be enough to impact the active vs passive roles. A prince looking for a spouse will always be more passive, while his knights, dukes, and counts vie for his affections. Meanwhile, a lowly Baron will almost always be in pursuit of a match. This follows the Order of Precedence, a real life rule of etiquette  that states that those of lower status are the ones introduced to someone of higher status. So before a Baron can speak freely with a Prince, someone must introduce the Baron to the Prince and never the other way around. If the Baron is being introduced to a group, they will be introduced in ascending order of rank. The Baron will first be introduced to the Count, then the Duke, and then the Prince. This is why in many court scenes, someone will introduce a character to the king before they speak to one another.

But what if they’re of equal status? What happens when a prince is seeking another prince to be his husband? While they have equal titles, a prince of a tiny, less powerful kingdom is more likely be the pursuer to the prince of a bigger, wealthier kingdom. Likewise, in a relationship between two Dukes, the one who is higher in the line of succession to the crown would be the one to be pursued by the one lower down the line of succession. TL;DR: Whoever has the bigger house is the one getting pursued by suitors.

Presenting at Court

When a young gentleman or lady had come of courting and marrying age, their parents would petition to have them present at court, though people could also be recommended by other nobility. This was an effective way for some to social climb, being recommended by someone of much higher status and impeccable reputation can skyrocket their child into an advantageous position. These events would be held at the palace multiple times per year, and were invite only. The Lord Chamberlain was in charge of going over the guest list with the utmost scrutiny, and nobody would be permitted who did not have a pristine and stainless record.

Men of good social standing would present at court at formal events called Levées. They would present before the King or Prince. In the event that there were two queens or otherwise no living males of the royal family, they might present before the highest ranking male in the line of succession, or otherwise just present before the Queen. In the Victorian Era, men wore buckled shoes and swords to both a Levée and a Presentation. They had to wear either court dress or a uniform. So, if he was a soldier, he might present at court wearing his finest military dress uniform.

Presenting at court for girls were much less imaginative, only being called a Presentation. They were expected to drag long trains behind them, to bow and address the queen flawlessly, and then leave the room without fumbling over her dress or shoes. Like with the Levées for the gentlemen, these events would be held multiple times per year, and multiple girls would present on the same day, meaning that all of the girls would be compared. The better she performs, the more desirable she will be. Some men might be charmed by a little clumsiness, but it was generally seen as extremely important for a girl to make a great first impression on the court as a lady of courting and marrying age. This is also why the presentation itself is rather short. There’s a lot of girls to get through, and the queen’s a busy lady.

Someone who was already of marrying age but marries into higher status would be expected to present at court after the wedding. As a king and queen had the power to bestow titles on people at their leisure, it was not impossible for an older married woman to be made a high enough status to make her formal debut at court, and older women had different expectations when making their debut, such as styling themselves differently, and wearing different colors. Thus if, for example, a lowly washer woman saved a nobleman’s son from drowning, she might be rewarded by being recommended for a title like Lady or Baroness and being allowed to present at court. Regardless of age, the presentation mostly serves as an introduction of a new face at court to the rest of high society.

The Rules for Men

Men were encouraged not to flirt with everyone they found attractive, as being too friendly might earn them a reputation that hurts their social image. Guidelines to courtship from the Victorian Era makes it clear to young men that not every girl will be interested in his pursuit of her, and that he should take a lack of positive response to any advances as his cue to move on, lest he embarrass himself or his family.

Never allow a woman to be uncertain of your feelings and intentions. Women were permitted some leeway with acting coy, but for a man to toy with a woman’s affections was seen as improper. Once a man is aware a woman mistakes his attention for affection, he is to quickly, yet politely, lay bare his true feelings. In a similar vein, a man should never make any declaration in jest, whether expressing love or proposing marriage, any attempt to make such grand declarations as a jest does grave disservice to the woman, and will earn him great dissent and contempt from those of good breeding and high social standing. This second rule also extends to the fairer sex, and is just universally sound advice when navigating romantic entanglements.

A man must put out his cigar in the company of women, which also meant that if a woman approaches him to engage him in conversation, he must discard it, regardless of how expensive it was.

When greeting a woman in public, a man should tip his cap in a polite manner, though if she stops to talk to him, she will extend her hand to him. In this case, he must remove his hat with the hand farthest from her, and take her extended hand with the one closest to her. If they are well acquainted, he might bestow the back of her hand with a quick kiss before letting go of her hand. He would then be expected to walk with her as they converse. If he has somewhere to be or the conversation has reached a natural ending, he should politely excuse himself, and wait for her to say her farewells before he leaves her company. If he simply cannot stop to talk, he should make his urgency clear, and apologize before carrying on, still being sure to tip his hat in a show of politeness.

The Rules for Women

Accepting gifts from a suitor is dangerous. If a suitor brings you a gift and you accept it, it indicates that you are interested in their advances. Being too accepting can also cause a man to continue to shower you with gifts, which could be seen as greedy. If disinterested in the suitor, it is advised to decline his gift. However, it’s best to try and decline his gift in a courteous manner, as a calous decline will earn you a reputation for a foul temperament, which may discourage other suitors.

An unmarried woman should never be outside alone. She should always be in the company of a companion, chaperone, parent, or legal guardian. This is a means of protecting women from being set upon by unscrupulous men.

Even while courting one another, an unmarried woman should never be alone in the company of a man outside of her immediate family. This usually meant that any sort of date the pair might go on will always be supervised from afar by a parent or chaperone, such as a lady-in-waiting or a governess. The young couple would usually be left some leeway to conversate privately, so long as they were within clear eyesight of the woman’s caretakers, and close enough for them to step in should the man act dishonorably toward her.

A man will come to call upon a woman he is interested in pursuing, meaning that he will come to her house in order to pitch woo or charm her. This is to ensure she is in the safety and protection of her family, so as to prevent her from being done ill by the man where her family cannot protect her. As such, a woman would never call upon a man or go to his residence. In a queer relationship, this is simply swapped to the one of lower status coming to the house of the one of higher status. Although, due to the role of status, the suitor will require an invitation (either specific or open) to come a-courting on the object of their affections.

Women would often have a dance card which indicated who she intended to dance with at an upcoming ball. She’d save a dance for the host, and likely also her suitor. Any special guest of the ball would likely also be afforded a dance. If she has multiple suitors, she would be expected to dance with all of them, and not to spend her entire evening doting on only one of them. It was also seen as improper for her to dance too often with the same partner, regardless of whether she was looking for a spouse or not. If she was the guest of honor, it might be expected for her to share more than one dance with the host, possibly sharing the first and/or last dance with him to start or close out the night. Sometimes at dances, the guests would know the music selection and dances ahead of time, and women would have the music or dances on their dance cards. While I don’t know if it was done historically, I don’t think it would be too unorthodox for a man to write a woman ahead of a ball (assuming he’s familiar enough for such audacity) and request that she save a specific kind of dance for him. If his Waltz is shabby, but he does a marvelous Minuet, he’d want to be sure his dance with a possible match would be a dance he’s more proficient with. A lady might fill up her entire dance card ahead of time, but she’d more often than not leave a spot or two open to allow for more spontaneity. As dance cards were only used by women, I don’t know if they’d be used by gay men in courtship or not. Queer people at a ball however might wear something to indicate their preference in dance partner. A visual cue to let the gentlemen know that the Baroness of Arendale doesn’t have much interest in dancing with men.

Courting in Public

Courtship, especially among the upper class, was predominantly undergone during the Social Season, which in the UK ran from March until September, and included a wide variety of events and activities including balls, picnics, dinner parties, and sporting events. During the social season, every personage of noble blood would gather in a central location, usually the capital. These were not the only times during the year when people courted, it was more akin to a feeding frenzy for eligible bachelors, largely due to all of their marital options being assembled for the season, making it much easier to find someone to his liking.

It was wildly scandalous to show public displays of affection. That was to be reserved for private life. As such, suitors would instead exchange gifts, photographs or locks of hair instead of kissing or holding hands. For a queer relationship, it might be allowable for suitors to give one another their clothing, jewelry, weapons, or armor, either in their entirety or a particular piece of it. However the intimacy of sharing garments would likely be reserved for couples that have been courting for some time, and would be ill-advised as a first gift to one’s admirer.

At a ball or other such party, if someone catches your fancy but you’ve never met them before, it is impolite to speak to them until the host or hostess has formally introduced you to one another. Even if you dance with them, it is ill-mannered to speak to them during and after the dance if neither of you have been introduced to one another.

If someone insults your suitor, a gentleman should be ready to act the part of a knight and defend his lover’s honor. If his partner initiated the conflict, it is advised for a gentleman to apologize on their behalf, though not so meekly as to offend their lover or besmirch their honor. If another man is looking to start a quarrel, a gentleman should not return his hostilities, as a foul temper and lack of self-control is an indication of ill manners and poor breeding, bringing you down to the other man’s level.

A gentleman should always carry his lady’s luggage, and on the sidewalk, takes the side closest to the street to keep his lady’s dress from being splashed with mud or water, or to keep her safe should a wayward horse, carriage, or car veer off the street, it is more likely to strike him than her.

A couple talking in public must speak succinctly, poignantly, and softly. Long drawn-out conversations were best for private, whereas in public, it was unwise to spend one’s entire evening conversing with a single person, unless it is well-known the severity of their entanglement. It was considered ill-manner to speak excessively or too loudly as to disturb others.

Matchmaking and Gold-Digging

Due to eldest sons getting the entire inheritance of his father, women seeking to court would seek out eldest sons who would be coming into their family fortune, while sons left out of the inheritance would be more willing to marry below their station in pursuit of rich heiresses whose wealth would keep them in the lifestyle to which they have grown accustomed. Likewise in a queer relationship, wealth and power would likely effect the interests of relationships, and differences in inheritance laws might also change the power dynamics in courtships. If a daughter can inherit the full control of her father’s mercantile empire, she’s going to be fighting off second-born suitors with a stick, regardless of gender.

I mentioned above the Levées and Presentations that young nobles would go through when entering the public sphere of the court. Parents of other noble families would often be in attendance of these parties, and if a presenter impressed them, they may approach the parents and suggest a courtship between their children. This is less of an arranged marriage, and more the parents steering their children to give each other a chance. It’s much closer to playing matchmaker than paying 5 cows and a corn mill for someone’s daughter. The children could still decline the courtship out of lack of interest or an absence of chemistry, so long as they settled things politely. 

this is probably somewhat awkward for a fiction written years ago, but today i read both of the mirror mirror-verse fictions and found them quite enjoyable. thank you for writing them.

Okay, so, I think the reason that explanations about this aren't gaining traction is that we as ficauthors instinctively respond by focusing on our experience to reassure you--"No, it's great! I love getting comments on older fic! No fanfic author is going to object to that!"--and the reason that doesn't have much of an effect is that it's inherently subjective. Just because one person has a positive reaction doesn't mean everyone does, and besides, we might just be polite, right?

Here's the actual explanation: Your anxieties are misplaced because you are mistaking a fanfiction site for social media.

Ao3 isn't Facebook! It's an archive. Works there are intended to be easily found and enjoyed years after their creation, exactly the same as books in a library!

It's not "awkward" to say you just read Fahrenheit 451 for the first time even though it was written years ago, and in the same way, new readers are SUPPOSED to be constantly finding fic and enjoying it regardless of publishing date. That's the entire point of publishing it.

Fanfiction sites are not social media. There's no such thing as "creeping" in someone's old posts. In a very real way, there's no such thing as "old posts" at all. Again--by that logic, you're being creepy whenever you pick up a book at the library that's more than a few months old! That's insane.

If this is your first time reading Macbeth, then it's a totally new experience to you and you can and SHOULD talk about your impressions and reactions to that story in the context that you're reading it. There's entire courses and academic careers dedicated to doing exactly that. If today was the first time you went looking in the right section of the site to find our mirrorverse fic, then that fic is a new story to you and you should join the conversation.

AERUH I tell thee, rosemary is like a pine but with a spicy taste.

MALUS                         Art thou to claim that needles base of pine have not a spice?

AERUH A needle base of pine is merely base.

MALUS ‘Tis not when held, comparing, to anthos.

AERUH My dearest Malus, needles thou'st eaten?

MALUS How many moons have we as friends seen rise? How many suns have we as friends seen set? Thou sixteen seasons in my heart I’ve held, and hope that I in thine hast been the same. With brotherhood as rich and old as this, thou needst not ask me such frivolities.

AERUH I know thou likely has, to tell the truth, but I would not assume.

MALUS                       Well, yes, I have. A multitude of types I’ve eaten too. I’ll tell thee now: the best (though it is strange) is single-leaf pinyon.

AERUH                     And it has spice?

MALUS I truly wish that I could tell thee this, but now, i'faith, I cannot fully tell, the difference in classifying thus: to say “has spice” or merely “herbal strength”.

AERUH To tell this tale most clearly it would seem that eating needles from a pine’s required.

MALUS Aye, it would seem that that’s the task at hand, but caution tells that this is what’s to do: eat only needles of the honest pine, and none of lying leaf with pinelike shape.

AERUH I’ll eat them all.

MALUS                   I prithee, stay thyself.

AERUH Roulette with leaves.

MALUS                     At least restrain from yew.

AERUH I’ll do my best.

MALUS                That is all can we do. The scholars tell that needles true of pine can be distinguished from the lying yew by sheathlike clothing all along the base; the yew has no such guard.

AERUH                          With this new truth I now will venture out into the wood and seek the pines and pinelike fakes alike to stare them down and learn their secret truths.

MALUS With this thou canst at long and weary last Discover for thyself my life’s own path.

Exeunt.

Enter MACDUFF.

First batch of easy answer images.

Easy to make and easy to use! Save these pictures and the next time an anti tries an overused argument, you’ve got an answer ready to go. Just post the picture instead of typing the same thing over and over again. Free for anyone to use with or without credit.

I’m browsing ao3, as one does, and this one image struck me to the core and I just stared at the screen for like a solid 20 seconds

“no stop” “oh no i didn’t mean to do that” “wRONG LAYER” “wait go back” “what line is that?!” “cAN YOU– [irritated noises]” “oh you…bastard” “what..layer is that on??”

…..now I really wanna see the version of the movie where instead of dying, the curse passes from the beast to gaston!

except gaston doesn’t have a swag ass castle to sulk in, so he’s out running around the countryside, hiding in forests and stuff, alternately terrorizing the populace and being hunted. it’s a turnabout of his “peerless hunter” backstory– he is now both the monster and the prey.

untillllll he, idk, meets some humble woodcutter(?) that takes him in when he’s wounded or offers him shelter in a storm? and etc, etc, LIFE LESSONS, toxic masculinity slowly vanquished.  (ooh, or maybe it should be like–a flower seller or herbalist or some feminine-coded profession he would have devalued to really set up a foil.)

And the curse, rather than seeing ‘ah well he’s just a kid’ and not taking, instead went ‘oh he’s a kid - so his dickishness is also the fault of his caretakers’ and then applied itself to the entire damn castle.

Enchantress was probably like ‘…uh, oops? Oh well lol not my problem anymore’ and skipped off, after feeling juuust bad enough to tell Adam about the True Love option. But not the transfer one because what if he comes after her and the curse decides that after a week of beastification, he’s less of an asshole than she is now? Not risking it.

So Beast and Belle hook up and Beast thinks it’s the True Love cure, but in actuality he gets cured after the fight with Gaston because the curse decides ‘welp this guy is DEFINITELY a bigger asshole’ and that’s why the timing is kind of… odd Belle really does love him, though, but maybe the shift back is supposed to be more gradual with a love cure, because true love really does linger more in gradual adjustments and quiet moments than in grand displays. It’s a slower process (the time limit was really just the enchantress trying to make sure that the prince would hurry up and go that route for curing himself, and not waste time trying to track her down - it’s total bullshit, she’s a con artist, that’s what got her into this mess in the first place).

The slow cure is what happens with Gaston, instead of getting a declaration and then a magical girl transformation sequence back into his sporty lumberjack self, he just, bit by bit, starts to look more Gaston-y again. It spreads out from the eyes. His fur starts to get a bit thinner, his claws start to soften, his teeth no longer fill up his mouth like a packet of razors. At first he thinks it’s just because he has a place to stay and access to, like, brushes and warm water and stuff like that. But then he wakes up one morning and his antlers are shedding, and he can definitely see more of his old face than he used to.

His woodsy herbalist ‘friend’ doesn’t really say anything. He’s heard of curses and things, and he doesn’t like to pry - he’s just the sort who sees a need and tries to help with it. In the end, it’s really not Gaston’s looks (in either form) that when him over. It his skill, either, because Gaston can’t really hunt much without risking being seen and having to leave and possibly getting his herbalist in trouble for housing a monster. It’s just his company. Talks by the fire. Quiet mornings spent side by side. Sheer boredom, and a begrudging sense of indebtedness, have Gaston asking about his host’s tasks, and then offering to help with them. He’s insufferable about it at first, of course. But after a while he finds that he likes the scent of herbs, and that gathering is as interesting as hunting, and he even paws carefully through a few of the herbalist’s notebooks.

Being trapped gives him a somewhat better appreciation for books, though he still never loves them.

At night he can venture outside, just so long as the moon isn’t too bright. He takes to sitting on the roof, and looking up at the stars, and remembers… it was his mother who taught him how to read the stars. In case he ever got lost. His father died when he was fairly young, and Gaston had done his best to try and make up the difference. And he had done; he’d been a good hunter, he’d kept the village fed through a lot of cold winters, but he’d never quite been able to escape the sense that he needed to absolutely make certain that he was following the right script. That there was something about him that didn’t… that wasn’t what his father would have wanted. Or his mother, either. He had a long list of things that made a man worthwhile, and maybe that was part of the reason why he had set his eyes on the one woman in the village who refused to give him the time of day.

Because that list included marriage and a house full of children, not quiet nights in a tavern, looking for too long at the woodcutter’s arms.

But even if he had never really wanted Belle, he had been angry enough at not winning her, too. Even if the script never really made him happy, he still wanted to follow it. Wanted to be the kind of man who could. The man who killed every beast and conquered every challenge.

He can’t go back to that life, now. It’s not even an option anymore.

The knowledge is an unexpected - but very visceral - relief.

The next morning, Gaston is about a foot shorter, and the cleft in his chin is back.

It’s more than a year, though, before he looks human enough to ‘arrive’ at the little village near to where his herbalist lives. He introduces himself as a friend of the healer’s family, an old friend who used share correspondence with him, who’s come looking for work. The townsfolk find him to be a quiet man, burly but skilled, and more boisterous if you can get a few drinks into him. Though, he avoids the tavern more often than not. Some folks talk about him and his herbalist, living out in that little house all by themselves; but Gaston’s skills quiet most tongues, and the way his eyes sometimes catch the firelight, and his teeth seem just a little too sharp, manage to quiet others.

Years pass. It is, funnily enough, only when Gaston looks almost entirely himself - though still different from how he used to - that trouble really comes, with the mayor’s son, who decides on a dare to vandalize the herbalist’s door and destroy some of his best plants.

Gason is only meaning to make the boy pay for the damages, when he goes and finds him out in the fields. But he’s barely had time to get impatient with the brat’s sneering - seventeen, god, he had nearly forgotten how insufferable he was at that age, too - when he feels a weight leave him. A weight he has grown so accustomed to, that he had long forgotten it wasn’t supposed to be there.

There are no witnesses to the change that happens in the field, though later, many people in the village will whisper that a werewolf must have savaged the mayor’s son. All Gaston can do is offer the boy some advice, before he flees in howling terror:

Introduction:

Visible mending is a decorative way to fix up an item. Instead of trying to make your mend as invisible as possible, the idea is to make it part of the garment's design.

Visual mending is not a single technique: it's more of a mindset. If you've got an item you love, it deserves to be mended, and if you're going to put that love into stitches, why not show them off?

That being said, there are some specific techniques that are popular with visible menders. Let's take a look!

Sashiko:

Sashiko is a type of traditional Japanese embroidery that is used to both decorate and reinforce fabric. In visible mending, sashiko is often used to cover up holes with patches or to reinforce thinning fabric. This technique uses a variation on the running stitch.

(Image source) [ID: sashiko stitch diagram: the distance between each stitch is 1/2 stitch in length.]

Some resources on sashiko:

SashiCo on YouTube: sashiko livestreams and information on the cultural aspect of sashiko.

Written tutorial by Upcycle Stitches.

Free sashiko templates by TheSpruceCrafts.

Fixing jeans with sashiko by Soluna Collective.

(Image source) [ID: three examples of sashiko embroidery on jeans fabric.]

(Image source) [ID: sashiko embroidery with white thread on blue jeans fabric.]

Embroidery:

Regular embroidery is also a popular technique to accentuate your mends. Check out my embroidery 101 post to learn how to get started. You can embroider patches, or use embroidery to hide or accentuate any stitches you've made to fix holes. Embroidery's also a great way to cover up stains.

(Image source) [ID: colourful embroidery floss covers a worn sleeve edge of a jeans jacket]

(Image source) [ID: colourful flower embroidery surrounds a hole in a pair of dark gray jeans. Fabric with a red and black flower print peaks out of the hole.]

Patches:

There are many ways to add patches to a garment. My tutorial on patches is a good place to start if you want to make custom-shaped patches to sew on top of your fabric. You can also sew your patch on the inside of your garment and have it peek out from beneath the hole you're trying to fix. Fun ideas for this are lace or superheroes.

(Image source) [ID: Spiderman peaking out of a rip in a pair of blue jeans.]

(Source) [ID: a red flannel heart-shaped elbow patch on a gray knitted sweater.]

Darning:

Darning is a technique used to repair holes in fabric by using running stitches to weave extra fabric over the hole as to fill it up again. While traditionally darning is done in an invisible way by using the same colour of thread as your fabric, you can also use contrasting colours to accentuate your fix. Check out this written tutorial on darning by TheSpruceCrafts.

(Image source) [ID: vintage instructions on how to darn a hole.]

(Image source) [ID: four examples of darning on blue fabric with colourful contrasting thread.]

Conclusion:

Visible mending is a creative way to fix up your clothes and give them some personality at the same time.

You should be proud of the fact that you took the time and learned the necessary skills needed to mend your clothes! Show off what you did!

A fun side effect of wearing these obvious mends is that people will notice them. They'll remember your fixes the next time they're faced with a hole in their wardrobe, and it will make them more likely to try it for themselves.

Historian, curator and documentary presenter Dr Lucy Wosley: Actually it was originally called the ‘withdrawing room’, as in the place one withdrew to, and where only family and important guests were allowed to enter. The name got shortened over time.

Miguel: Fuck you!