The room was very quiet after the door closed. Outside, the light was already going. In twenty minutes they were due at the cake place, to meet Molly; there was time, and no time at all.
John was weeping behind his hands, fighting to keep silent. Fat tears kept slipping through, one after another, catching the low evening sun as they fell. There was something in the sight of him β a waterbird with no shore left to return to β that closed round Sherlock's chest like a fist. Before he knew what he was doing, he was on his feet, and John was in his arms.
"No. But it is what it is."
He held John's shaking shoulders and cupped the side of his neck in one palm. The first touch of John's neck was cooler than he had expected. Thinner, too, than it used to be. He stroked it, slowly.
"John, you may not remember this."
Sherlock's voice, dry and steady, came down from above John's head.
"The first time we had dinner at Angelo's. You said something to me. You said: it's all fine. Do you remember that, John?"
Little by little, the shaking began to subside. Still stroking his neck, Sherlock went on.
"Have you any idea what those words did for me?"
He didn't wait for an answer.
"They saved me, John. Do you understand? You saved me."
John finally spoke. A cracked, unsteady voice, barely more than breath.
"Until I met you, I had always been alone. No one ever found me. No one tried to understand me; to them I was a freak β wanted only when my brain was useful. I lived believing I was entirely alone in this world."
Word by word, as if testing the texture of each one, Sherlock murmured on.
"And to a man like that, you said: it's all fine. You said it in passing β you probably don't remember. But with those words, I felt I had found somewhere in this world I was allowed to exist. That day, you saved me from being alone."
John slowly lifted his head. Sherlock's calm gaze came down to meet his.
"So now let me say it back to you. This is what's real. Our life exactly as it is β wretched, unvarnished. And it's all right. It's okay. John Watson. Whatever you are, it's all fine. Whatever kind of man you turn out to be, you're fine exactly as you are."
The moment he heard it, John caught his breath, his eyes went wide, his lips pressed thin, and then β
With a roar like an animal's, John flung his arms round Sherlock's body. Hard enough to crack ribs. One body driven straight into another. Holding him back just as hard, Sherlock repeated the same words, over and over.
It's okay, John. It's okay. It's okay...
The more the words settled over him, the gentler John's breathing became. The stiffness of fingers dug in hard enough to bruise slowly dissolved.
"............Thank you, Sherlock."
"............I feel forgiven."
They stayed like that a while. As if soothing a child, Sherlock held John, quietly stroking his neck, rocking him gently side to side. How long they stood there, neither could have said.
"John, there's something else I want to tell you."
Sherlock drew back slowly, set both hands on John's shoulders, and stooped a little. Their eyes met, level. Sherlock's eyes, gone gold in the evening light, flickered minutely from side to side. A hush fell.
Sherlock said it quietly. John's eyes went very wide; he opened his mouth to say something, and nothing came out. He gave up and closed it again.
The same words again, with more heat in them this time. John, for his part, stood frozen, eyes wide enough to spill over. He couldn't have moved a finger.
".....................Since when?"
After a long silence, John at last produced something resembling words.
"An important point. Ordinarily I retain the precise date and time at which I first perceive a phenomenon β but in this case, regrettably, I can't identify the moment. It's a banality that appals even me, but: by the time I noticed, it already was. β Or, if you pressed me: perhaps the day we met at Barts."
"From the moment I first saw you."
John was in absolute chaos. Every emotion Sherlock had ever caused him was churning in his head, on the point of bursting. There were ten thousand things to demand of him, and he had no idea where to begin.
"Why are you telling me now?"
"Because you told me to, just now. That the chance to say it doesn't last forever. That chances vanish before you know it. You said it, John. So I ββββ"
"...All right. All right. Yes. I did say that, just now. But that was about Irene Adler. And for the hundredth time, I'm not gay."
"Your sexuality is beside the point. What matters, John, is that chances vanish. Your advice is always sound."
"I've told you I love you. Your answer?"
Sherlock's gaze, its old strength restored, pinned John dead straight.
"β Oh, you bastard, what the hell is this! You can't be serious β you're saying it now, you?! After β after everything's ended up like this ββ?! ...You absolute shit!!"
John's fist hammered against Sherlock's chest. He had been calm a moment ago, and now a hot mass of feeling rose in his throat; he did not want to cry any more, and the tears came anyway.
"You idiot... why... why didn't you... say it sooner... Then none of this... no one... Mary wouldn't have had to die... Now, after everything's already broken... fuck..."
"Hypotheticals mean nothing, John. It is what it is."
"...I know... I know... This is the reality, the whole bloody mess of it... I know... I can't put it all on you... I had... my chances too..."
John groaned like an animal through clenched teeth. Every regret gone past. Every choice mischosen. And the life that would go on regardless. And the one who would walk that road beside him β
"β is you, Sherlock Holmes. You put light into my bloody miserable ordinary life, then you took that light away and dropped me into hell, then you strolled back in as if nothing had happened, and you've dragged me about and run me ragged every day since ββ you've wrecked my life completely, and still, the one standing next to me is ββ you. Sherlock!"
He all but screamed the name. Rage or grief or joy, impossible to tell β something fierce flooded John's eyes and aimed itself straight at Sherlock.
"John. May I take that to mean that you love me too?"
"Take it however you like!"
Sherlock smiled, calm, and drew John's head in against him again. John was no longer crying. The evening sun cut their two shadows out sharp on the floor.
"John. One more request."
"What now. If this is any more ββ"
"ββββ Fine. What do you want?"
Sherlock said nothing, and looked at him. The big palm resting on John's neck moved slowly up and down. Wearing the gentlest face John had ever seen on him, Sherlock tipped his head slightly to the right.
John glared at him for a second, then let out a small sigh. He took Sherlock's face in both hands, pulled it down, and kissed him. Once. Twice. John's thin lips against Sherlock's full ones. They parted a little, and looked at each other. Then once more. Harder this time. As they broke apart, John's wet tongue flicked across Sherlock's lower lip.
"ββββ Satisfied?"
"Yes. Entirely. The best birthday present I've ever been given."
"Well β glad to hear it."
Still scowling, John shrugged. Then something occurred to him, and he glanced at his watch.
"Hang on β didn't you say Molly was coming round?"
"Ah. Yes. We're meeting at a cake place."
"A cake place. Well, it's your birthday. There has to be cake."
The two of them scrambled into their coats. It was a thing they had done hundreds of times in this flat, but today, somehow, the cold of the fabric felt new.
"Do you suppose a sugar high would do instead of the drugs?"
"What? What are you on about? Behave yourself."
Their first banter in a very long time. It fitted so exactly that they both laughed a little.
"ββββ John. Thank you. For the birthday present."