literally just some guy

and tennal is a public figure with a string of past therapists and a history of medical mistreatment. which pretty clearly affects him deeply, even though he doesn't acknowledge it outright! there's the obvious like the refusal of shots after being primed, but i think it's also reflected in tennal's general aversion to medical spaces (he refuses to go to the medbay more than once, keeps surit in their room when he's injured rather than treat him there, and the times he is treated in a medbay he is either there against his will or leaves as soon as he can, against explicit medical advice/orders, going so far as to pull his IV out to do so), and the way he speaks to and about the one medical personnel we know (isn't it interesting that we never learn the medic's name? the way he directly accuses the medic of conspiring to kill surit, not because the medic has malicious intentions, but because the intentions of the doctor don't matter at all in a medical system whose primary function is is control?).

and like, i don't think there's any kind of therapy in tennal's future because he is literally correct about everything. there's no way for tennal to work though his issues with the orshan medical system individually, because the fact of the matter is that he has been coerced and had his autonomy violated with basically every interaction. how could you move past that? and why would you want to? why should you be expected to 'get over' the lifetime of medical abuse you've experienced so you can talk to some new schmuck about that very abuse? how could you ever trust that person, how could you ever feel safe when you know that at the end of the day, they're just another arm of the system that has caused you nothing but pain?

tennal would rightly see the suggestion of going to therapy as a threat or an insult— and lbr, "go to therapy" is already an insult irl today. people do not say that out of compassion, or a desire to see the other person self-actualized. they say it because the person they're speaking to is behaving in a way they find uncomfortable or weird, and contains the implied assertion that the goal of therapy is to make the patient conform more to societal expectations (sidenote, it's interesting that people will often indignantly deny this, and say that no, therapy IS about improving the patient's life on the patient's terms. certainly many people are able to have that kind of relationship with a therapist. i've even been one of them! but i think it's naive and a little insulting to act like this is How It's Supposed To Work. it is straightforwardly more about correction. you are disordered, and you need to be made orderly. you are sick and need to be made well. you are wrong and need to be righted. it is wonderful and meaningful that people are able to find help they desire and need within this system. but at the same time, let's not pretend that the patient's wants and needs are at the top of the heirarchy. we all know that if you want the wrong kind of help or don't want any help at all, therapists and other medical professionals will step right over you and issue whatever kind of treatment they feel is best, your autonomy be damned. professionals who do not do this are the exception, not the rule, and they have to fight against the medical system in order to do so).

anyway. slight anti-psych tirade aside, what i do imagine happening is that tennal gets more involved with zin's readers rights group, and that that group runs some kind of group support circle for readers. which tennal would not actually attend of his own volition and if it were to be suggested that he could benefit from it he would get kind of indignant about it and dismiss the concept altogether. buuut. zin is not an idiot and she absolutely knows he would do that, so instead of asking if he wants to join, she tells him she needs another person to help facilitate. which is mostly like, setup, takedown, manning the catering table. zin stresses that he won't have to actually Do anything and its for a good cause and tennal is kind of like one of the most famous readers in the sector now and so it would really help for him to just be there and not treat the idea as stupid ("i do think it's kind of stupid though" says tennal. zin smacks him on the shoulder and tells him part of the job is not rolling your eyes and sighing heavily every two minutes. he says i didn't see that in the contract and she says well you must not have really read it because that was an NDA and not an employment contract you're not even employed. and hes like youre not even paying me?? and shes like to stand by a snack table for an hour or two every couple weeks? no. also why are you signing things you aren't reading and hes like youre my SISTER lights forbid i trust my SISTER to not fuck me over. i read other contracts. and shes like do you. and he's like surit reads other contracts and summarizes them for me. and shes like okay so you're signing stuff you've never read before and hes like OKAY i am coming to your stupid meetings. and i wont call them stupid. while im there. and shes like good enough)

& so he does in fact go and the first few times hes literally not even listening to what anybody is saying he's like reading stuff on his wristband etc but eventually runs out of time wasters that don't make him look like an asshole and starts paying attention to what people are saying. the first time he ever adds to the discussion it's almost by accident, like someone says something that's a little close to home and he makes a kind of dark joke about it which, shockingly, actually lands, at which point tennal realizes he said that out loud and retreats back into silence. but whoever said it seeks him out after the meeting is over and is like thanks. i know the topic is sort of heavy and i always feel like everyone's walking on eggshells around me. it's nice to have someone not treat me like im going to explode any second now. and tennal [guy who has lived his life being treated like a lit explosive] [definitely just said that involuntarily] [beginning to understand the Point of these meetings is in fact this exact type of conversation] is like… yeah, no problem. see you in a couple weeks.

several meetings pass by where he does this half-participation where he comments and empathizes with others but doesn't share much of anything about himself. zin is like you know youre allowed to participate if you want. and he's like shut up i don't need to. and zin is like okay damn whatever suit yourself. and then later to surit hes like. surit do you think i need to go to this stupid support group thing. and surit is like. well you don't Need to do anything. would it help? and tennal is like i dont knowwww. and surit is like do you really think it's stupid? and tennal is like [begrudgingly] no i guess not. and then surit is like you can do whatever you want. sometimes i do think you're in a better mood after those meetings. and tennal is like oh so i should go so i'm more pleasant to be around? surit doesn't bother to rise to that bait and after a moment tennal is like [sighs] fuck. i do want to go. and surit is like then go. & all of the sudden it really is that simple.