Happy pride. I've ended a 23 year long straight relationship and am about to move out into the world, single, for the very first time as an adult. I am what they call a late bloomer lesbian. It's scary, but also exciting.
I know it sounds ridiculous. 23 years. I still love my ex, but I mistook that love for romance and tried for years and years to fit myself into something that didn't fit. We met very young and it just made sense for a couple of best friends to be together. Comphet is one hell of a drug.
I always had a hard time with the idea of sex. Felt pressure from society and friend groups but no interest of my own. I assumed it was nerves. I was told girls don't want it as much as boys do and that's normal. He never pushed or complained. Somehow I got the idea that sex would change our dynamic. It took 2 years before I took the leap.
Shortly after, I came out as bi. We giggled and talked about having a threesome or even a poly relationship. I know, that should have been a big hint. More years went by with me thinking more and more about life with a woman. I always admired the feminine beauty, but I thought everyone felt that way.
More years went by with me having more and more aversion to intimacy. I must be ace, it must be my mental health/meds, it must be anything but a great big change needing to happen. Don't look too closely at it, it's fine.
I did develop several crushes on close friends. I didn't realize it at the time, just thought I had a lot of love in my heart. I was a lonely kid so I didn't have a lot of references to how different kinds of relationships felt.
I kept on pretending in the bedroom, fake it til you make it. Sex became an obligation, a chore, something I gave but didn't enjoy for myself.
I came clean in 2021 that I no longer wanted to be in a romantic relationship. This was due to many factors, but they dont belong on this post. He was devastated, we talked for weeks, and I let myself be persuaded. He would do better, spend more time with me, "let's just wait and see if the feelings come back!"
Last year, I became chronically ill. Lost my job, got so depressed and isolated I actually got to the point of being suicidal. But I had a lot of support around me and my mental health improved significantly.
This spring, an epiphany finally took root. Holy shit. Am I gay? I'd always been calling myself gay half as a joke. I did research, read other people's stories. People who made similar or the same journey. That's when I learned the term, late bloomer.
So now, I'm sharing my story. I sincerely hope it's a comfort and helps someone out there come a little bit closer to realizing who they are. Or aren't. I'm 37 years old, and I'm grateful my awakening came now and not later.
Happy pride my darlings, it's never too late. I wish you all a safe and happy queer life.