Äpplecalypse

I know it sounds ridiculous. 23 years. I still love my ex, but I mistook that love for romance and tried for years and years to fit myself into something that didn't fit. We met very young and it just made sense for a couple of best friends to be together. Comphet is one hell of a drug.

I always had a hard time with the idea of sex. Felt pressure from society and friend groups but no interest of my own. I assumed it was nerves. I was told girls don't want it as much as boys do and that's normal. He never pushed or complained. Somehow I got the idea that sex would change our dynamic. It took 2 years before I took the leap.

Shortly after, I came out as bi. We giggled and talked about having a threesome or even a poly relationship. I know, that should have been a big hint. More years went by with me thinking more and more about life with a woman. I always admired the feminine beauty, but I thought everyone felt that way.

More years went by with me having more and more aversion to intimacy. I must be ace, it must be my mental health/meds, it must be anything but a great big change needing to happen. Don't look too closely at it, it's fine.

I did develop several crushes on close friends. I didn't realize it at the time, just thought I had a lot of love in my heart. I was a lonely kid so I didn't have a lot of references to how different kinds of relationships felt.

I kept on pretending in the bedroom, fake it til you make it. Sex became an obligation, a chore, something I gave but didn't enjoy for myself.

I came clean in 2021 that I no longer wanted to be in a romantic relationship. This was due to many factors, but they dont belong on this post. He was devastated, we talked for weeks, and I let myself be persuaded. He would do better, spend more time with me, "let's just wait and see if the feelings come back!"

Last year, I became chronically ill. Lost my job, got so depressed and isolated I actually got to the point of being suicidal. But I had a lot of support around me and my mental health improved significantly.

This spring, an epiphany finally took root. Holy shit. Am I gay? I'd always been calling myself gay half as a joke. I did research, read other people's stories. People who made similar or the same journey. That's when I learned the term, late bloomer.

So now, I'm sharing my story. I sincerely hope it's a comfort and helps someone out there come a little bit closer to realizing who they are. Or aren't. I'm 37 years old, and I'm grateful my awakening came now and not later.